Re: White Out - A careful analyssi -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 20:16:00 07/15/03 Tue
Author: Gray
Author Host/IP: dialup-67.30.119.120.Dial1.SanJose1.Level3.net / 67.30.119.120
Subject: Re: White Out - A careful analyssi
In reply to: AAAAGGGSSS 's message, "Re: White Out - A careful analyssi" on 06:49:05 07/15/03 Tue

Gee, AG, in another forum several people loved this! ...especially the stanza you called "BS"... but, we each have personal opinions, of course, and I admit a departure in this, a play to the rhyme and an understated surface...

-Gray

>I will never love again,
>No wait! It's a shame...
>I still love, and will
>Always love the same.
>
>White my picture out,
>No, make it gray,
>To stay with you, too, on
>Cloudy, sunny, days.
>
>Or remember madness,
>Drink upon my eyes and freeze,
>So terrible and full and glad...
>Those muttered memories.
>
>Just a wish held so dear like
>An old pair of shoes on a
>Deserted island,
>Like she could really
>Hear me...
>
>Crying.
>
>Hey Squirrel
>
>A poem that definately lets the reader in to the
>misery ad heart felt confusions, of one in this state.
> The to and fro elements certainly suggest that:
>
>I will never love again,
>No wait
>
>White my picture out,
>No
>
>However, I do feel this rhyme
>
>White my picture out,
>No, make it gray,
>To stay with you, too, on
>Cloudy, sunny, days.
>
>ie between "Gray", and "days", is rather trite,
>uneventful, and adolescent; and knowing the talent
>that you have, you could have done better.
>
>this is also adolescent:
>
>Or remember madness,
>Drink upon my eyes and freeze,
>So terrible and full and glad...
>Those muttered memories.
>
>, in particular, giving, or providing too much of a
>self picture, ie too much comment or an analysis of
>"self", and therefore B.S., and also quite boring.
>
>This statement -
>
>Just a wish held so dear like
>An old pair of shoes on a
>Deserted island,
>Like she could really
>Hear me...
>
>
>.... the Desert Islands, certainly adds nothing, and
>your poem would have been much better to leave it out.
>
>
>You seem to fall into metaphores, it seems when you
>run out of things to say, and more than one, fully
>developed, become sore, trite, and boring, Al

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Replies:

Re: White Out - A careful analyssi -- AAAAGGGSSS, 06:47:34 07/16/03 Wed
Re: White Out - A careful analyssi -- AAAAGGGSSS, 06:48:10 07/16/03 Wed
- Re: White Out - A careful analyssi -- Gray, 21:19:30 07/17/03 Thu