Re: Shores and Countries -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 06:49:33 08/30/03 Sat
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB05a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.167
Subject: Re: Shores and Countries
In reply to: AAAAGGGSSS 's message, "Shores and Countries" on 13:40:16 08/27/03 Wed

Good to read your work again Al. I liked the dreamy quality and imagery here. However, I felt it needed another line or two rather than

'but then
moved away'

perhaps to show the effect of that move. Although the abruptness of the ending was perhaps the effect you wanted to achieve.

R

>The chambers
>of your heart
>are always
>neat, cozy
>
>filled to the brim,
>with delectables
>
>that somehow I know
>of; they wince
>through the small
>windows to me
>love letters
>daily
>
>in a language I understand,
>have been
>taught;
>by you
>
>Fling open
>your shutters,
>panes of glass
>that has thus tolerated
>
>life
>in and open
>meadow
>
>by fields and streams
>that have gotten bored
>by the procrastination
>
>you seek
>
>to share,
>running their way
>quietly
>now
>down a stream
>of thoughts
>
>that just flew
>out the window
>to boats
>ready ready
>to sail
>
>leave shores
>to other countries
>that have heard about you
>
>but then
>moved away

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