Re: The Domesticated War -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 11:40:16 11/13/03 Thu
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB01a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.163
Subject: Re: The Domesticated War
In reply to: Ashley Owen Smith 's message, "The Domesticated War" on 04:10:44 11/12/03 Wed

I like the narrative style of the poem. The similes paint the picture of the scene well. I agree with what Rafael says about the line spacing, a slight rejigging would improve it - in my humble opinion.

I will email you re the link - or you can tell me it here. No problem to amend my friend.

Kind regards

Raphaela

>Ever-knowing, glowing
>flowing, going down the stairs
>to my boyfriend�s apartment
>
>The stench of hostility greets
>me at the door, I feel perfect
>in my sense of indignation
>
>And in my sense of justification,
>wearing it like my yellow cashmere
>sweater. The door is like a fickle little child,
>
>Refuses to move, holds its breath. The war
>awaits inside and I�m bivouacking
>in the hall with the bum who has
>
>His kingdom built in the alley.
>The war stretches on into another
>minute�s horizon; hurtful words
>
>Echo into infinitude off the hideous
>pink wallpaper (a starlet�s candy room),
>and the accompaniment of orchestral
>
>Bedsprings is a fitting farewell for the
>war who might�ve been a crude little girl
>with dirt on her face and gum in her hair.
>
>
>~AOS~ (Oh, Raphaela, sugar! If you read this, I have
>updated my website...and the link I gave you is
>horrible! So, let me know via email if you read this,
>and I'll send you the new link! :o))

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