Re: Alert and Alerted -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 12:19:52 11/27/03 Thu
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheB03a.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.168.165
Subject: Re: Alert and Alerted
In reply to: The Banned One 's message, "Alert and Alerted" on 07:32:06 11/27/03 Thu

The theme is strong with much potential but at times the use of rhyme seems forced and thus lessons its effect, particularly the last lines on stanza 3 and 4. You may be able to overcome this by just rhyming two of the lines, rather than the AA BB effect as sometimes a serious message is lost through rhyme. There are also some typos and punctuation errors.

Just my opinion opinion - feel free to ignore :)

Raphaela

>They give me names, in other place
>Mouthing their lies with faceless faces
>The deny me life, so I'm left in the gutter
>Treat me so cold as if I was a nutter
>
>So I eek out my living doing what I can
>Searching through rubbish and garbage cans
>Following each lead has become my lifes plan
>Hinting dark hints for I'm only a man
>
>The trouble with plagues they quickly spread
>Bringing loathing, distruction, nervousness dread
>It looks for a weakness to exploit to the full
>Or just sits in a carrier, for a time oh so still
>
>And to my meaning (for justice awaits)
>We wouldn't want a plague here, so don't close your
>gates
>Keep your windows wide open, let the air circulate
>And beware of the doom merchants, before its too late!

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