Re: I never meant -- Unicorn

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, [5], 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 12:33:25 08/25/02 Sun
Author: Richard Blake
Author Host/IP: h-64-105-255-30.HSTQTX02.covad.net / 64.105.255.30
Subject: Re: I never meant
In reply to: Ambrosia 's message, "I never meant" on 20:53:46 07/24/02 Wed

Er, this may seem a bit acinine, but first of all it seems to me (perhaps because I have not read your other work?) to lack a certain sincerity essential to poetry. On top of that--the rhymes seem forced ('The cut was not deep'? Then how did you die? It appears you only chose it to rhyme with 'I mean I could not sleep!', which is another superfluous line), the flow is inconsistent ('So I took the knife/And then I would take my life'; also contains grammatical awkwardness), the use of exclamation points tasteless ('Really I did not know the cut was so severe!' This too sounds like you are trying to convince us of something, when you should just make us believe), the idea unoriginal (there have been more blatant suicide poems attempted than suicide itself), the whole poem lacking in focus and developement. Overall, it was badly crafted. There are alternatives when it comes to morbid poetry. Don't be trite.

P.S. The one thing I will admit this poem had going for it was that people could identify with it. Remember, I am not insulting you by critiquing your stuff, merely trying to help. :)

>The cut was not deep.
>I mean I could not sleep!
>So I took the knife,
>And then I would take my life.
>
>I did not know that they would cry.
>I thought they would be happy if I died.
>Really I did not know the cut was so severe!
>Now they can not stop my mother's tears.
>
>But I guess it is to late.
>To late, somehow maybe this was my fate?
>Maybe i was meant to die?
>I never meant for them to cry...-Ambrosia

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]