Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 12:56:48 07/13/02 Sat
Author: sp99
Author Host/IP: pool-63.53.141.213.nwrk.grid.net / 63.53.141.213
Subject: Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult]
In reply to: Raphaela 's message, "Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult]" on 12:46:47 07/13/02 Sat

Thank you Raphaela,

Even your 'short of time' critique gives me MUCH
to work with to polish this into a poem where I
pray I may help some upon reading to realize
that this type of treatment is not the kind to take
and to use whatever they can legally to escape.
I appreciate your read very, very much with your
valued 'honest opinion!!!

SuSanne

Oh yes, I am certainly taking yours and Gem.'s
advice of considering prose and mostly at this
point, it is a time factor not being able to branch
out more than I already have....and that too may
soon change...*smile*....thanks again!!!

>I first read your poem this morning but did not have
>time to comment then and wanted the opportunity to
>re-read. I particularly like the first stanza. It is
>strong, full of imagery, enabling your reader to
>visualise and sense what may be about to follow. The
>animal imagery works well, particularly the snake and
>the lizard.
>
>If you want my honest opinion, I think the poem could
>be shorter - it would be stronger that way - the first
>3 stanzas say it all, even by the the second. If you
>wish to tell the full story, then maybe adapt it to
>prose and with your poetic skill, this could then
>become a more interesting autobiographical piece.
>Unfortunately, time is against me for doing a details
>technical crit but I preferred the first half of the
>poem.
>
>Raphaela
>
>
>>STRONG ADULT
>>
>>
>> ONCE IN '99
>>
>>
>>In the still of dark,
>>Noise sprinkles movements
>>Of unwanted attention
>>Sensing an attack
>>Nerves tingle during soft moves
>>In a desire to slink along
>>Quietly, imitating a tiny lizard
>>Side to side through a long dirt groove.
>>
>>When suddenly from dark sins
>>Come large hot hands
>>Like a snake of a drunken, cold heart
>>Fastening coils tightly
>>Around a long, slim neck,
>>Swiftly giving her sure knowledge
>>Death had been scant seconds away
>>Before thankfully released
>>For lungs to grasp at precious air
>>Before her face being struck
>>By a Cobra's reach of closed fists
>>Further demoting,
>>A swift, horrified mental state.
>>
>>Air presses hotly down
>>Smothering as heavy blanket.
>>A quilt knitted by needles
>>In evil's exhaled breath
>>As if to melt, pieces of her soul
>>Liquidized into a 'black hole'.
>>Along with much of his humanity,
>>For these actions, were extracting,
>>Huge payments from his soul.
>>
>>Inwardly she prays
>>Protection of blue Light's aura
>>Asking if meant to live
>>Without aids of a gun
>>Or Mace's might.
>>Then a feeling answered
>>With a warmth of a calm's pinprick
>>Shining to spread within
>>Growing bewildered strength
>>Calming her, for survival.
>>As blows start back and forth on arms,
>>Hands, alternately more chokeholds
>>Slowing time, to near death-still.
>>
>>On her mind's third level,
>>Bewildered of evermore
>>Why she or any anyone
>>Could be so cruelly victimized
>>By another's un-disciplined self
>>With twisted thoughts of love
>>In physical harm of soulful sins.
>>Yet for her, Light's strength glows
>>Self-knowledge of strong faith
>>She would live.
>>Even if just momentarily
>>As a shocked round-eye fish,
>>Suddenly landlocked, gasping for air.
>>Praying thanks to be back in water, to live
>>Beacons of Light to highest Source
>>She did not do, a total death dive.
>>
>>Pressure released,
>>He starts to fall asleep,
>>Gently patting her head
>>Uttering, "You didn't deserve that"
>>She thinking, "no kidding"
>>With a madly pounding heart
>>Starts a new life crawl
>>Easing herself,
>>From their never again of bed,
>>Now scenes of recent deep fear,
>>Leaving a forlorn wish, this experience
>>Had only been .. paradoxical sleep.
>>
>>
>>� SuSanne &*_*&
>>
>>8.2.02~smb.powell
>>All rights reserved
>>Revision 9.7.02
>>*~Definitions of paradoxical sleep:
>>noun: a recurring sleep state
>>during which dreaming occurs;
>>~a state of Rapid Eye Movements during sleep
>>This man went on to two other women
>>after this one time incident, and then
>>the second woman, he married
>>and after a year of them being together,
>>he died of a heart attack on the 9th a year ago
>>and was buried on his Mother's birthday of the 13th.
>>If he had died after the first year I knew him,
>>I would have grieved as his lovely wife does;
>>it was the end of the 2nd year, that for me, almost
>>was a killer. I�m sad in this case, he let the
>>bad in him outweigh his good and grieve
>>he did nothing to help me recover from
>>the shadow of bruises and ruining my car
>>as well as debts he left, that I have
>>not recovered from as of yet. But I will,
>>even without anyone's help, except somewhat,
>>from a blessed few.....thanks for reading...I pray
>>somehow, this tale can help someone, somewhere,
>>of either sex of humans.
>> &*_*& >^. .^<
>>
>>

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Re: ~Once In '99 ~ [strong adult] -- Raphaela, 14:17:39 07/13/02 Sat