Re: Secret rendezvous -- Unicorn

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Date Posted: 23:11:07 07/06/02 Sat
Author: Raphaela
Author Host/IP: webcacheM04b.cache.pol.co.uk / 195.92.194.14
Subject: Re: Secret rendezvous
In reply to: Silvana Krculic 's message, "Secret rendezvous" on 17:42:33 07/06/02 Sat

The repetition of the first and last stanza give this poem a lyrical quality, and I could imagine it being sung. It has a very contemporary content, which many could relate to.

However, when read out loud, the meter is slightly unbalanced in a couple of lines and this prevents it having a smooth, even flow throughout - which is not always necessary but in this case I think it would benefit from some slight tightening of lines. I am not suggesting changing what is said, just perhaps rephrasing the odd line to give it more balance - if you read it out loud it you will see what I mean. Also not sure about the 'oh, so hot' in the penultimate stanza.

Much enjoyed though - feel free to ignore my suggestions.

Raphaela

>You wanted me to write you love songs,
>to choose the perfect words that pierce the heart,
>but all the things that were supposed to keep us
>together
>are the ones, now drawing us apart.
>
>With simple words spoken, love was born,
>it caught me by surprise, I was not ready-
>what followed...
>secret rendezvous... in places away from prying eyes,
>you took my hand and told me we were steady.
>
>Somehow, you knew I was taken by your love,
>not wishing for another bumpy ride, it was so clear,
>but with me you stood, as strong as a mountain rock,
>hidden from the rest of the world and held me near.
>
>We drank red wine, from the same glass filled with
>passion,
>for me you were always here and close at hand,
>but my glasses turned to darker shade, from a clear
>view
>when I realized you wore a wedding band.
>
>I finally thought I could love again, but it looks like
>the plans we had I have to renounce,
>the e- mails that you sent today, I will delete,
>your calls, letters and your presence I will denounce.
>
>Wednesday morning, I am drinking my coffee, oh, so hot,
>it already feels like Monday was forgotten a long way
>back,
>and when you think there is a light at the end of the
>tunnel,
>there is a locomotive coming, just ready for a smack.
>
>You wanted me to write you love songs,
>to choose the perfect words that pierce the heart,
>but all the things that were supposed to keep us
>together
>are the ones now drawing us apart.

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