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Date Posted: 15:34:53 12/30/02 Mon
Author: Dave Sucks
Subject: RANT: Video Game Character Hair

Isn't it strange that I always post my rants here? I have my reasons, primary among them the powerful Video Game Hair Gel consortium. I don't want them coming after my band to get revenge for my cutting rant.

Anyway, is anyone else bothered by the hair on video game characters? It's always so perfectly sculpted, like they spend three hours a day applying gel and other semi-lethal chemicals to their hair. Considering that most of them are being chased by monsters that wish to eat their faces, isn't doing their hair kind of a waste of time?

I have, sitting before me, the manual to Kingdom Hearts, a Disney game (but that's a whole other rant). The main character has this hair that goes every which way but down. Maybe it's because of Video Game Physics, which apparently take it gravity cues from Phobos, a moon of Mars. I'm thinking specifically of Super Mario Brothers, in which a short, fat, Italian plumber can leap several times his body length. Then there's the shooting fire because he ate a flower. Have you seen that link to the website that ferrets out Mario's Communist leanings?

Where was I? Hair. This kid (who, by the way, is holding onto a gigantic key he uses as a sword) has hair that I've only seen in theoretical mock-ups. Same with his buddy. If these were video game characters fleeing the Face-Eating Monsters, wouldn't they each have long, greasy, unwashed hair?

Of course, maybe I'm an idiot. After all, it's only a video game. And I've seen some hair in real life (especially among punk rockers) that puts these guys' heads to shame.

On another note, Sonic the Hedgehog had the coolest fucking hair PERIOD. I got no complaint about that hair. I think they were really quills anyway.

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