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Date Posted: 14:42:00 02/15/02 Fri
Author: Debbie Moniz
Subject: guilt guilt guilt affecting my everybreath

My mom passed a year ago. When I arrived she discussed with all of us that she never wanted any life support of any kind. She successfully had a cancerous brain tumor removed. The hospital sent her home in 3 days she had staples from the crown of her head all the way to the middle of her neck. I was quite upset that they thought she was okay I discussed it with the nurse she said she would be fine. They gave her a chemo and sent her home through several elevations. She lived in Utah and she had to go to Colorado to the hospital it is 120 miles. She got home and she was only home for that night and 1/2 the next day before she started to hemorrahage and arterial bleed we rushed to meet the ambulance half way that took about a half hour and she was talking all the way. When she told us she would be okay and she loved us if this was her time. I won't go through what the ambulance did they didn't lock her gurney they traveled about 30 miles an hour when she arrived at the small hospital in Moab Utah she was taken from the ambulance totally stroked out she was trying to speak but couldn't get her tongue to work the Dr. came in and said they would need to tube her to get her to the airflight to Colorado. Her husband and I looked at each other knowing her wishes so I asked is this life support and he proceeded to tell me no it's just to get her to the hospital. She had another surgery to stop the bleed and they induced her into a coma. She came out of the coma somewhat but never from the moment she was tubed till she passes did she not suffer. Now looking back or looking back that day it struck me that she was shaking her head no and pointing over her right shoulder where she shared that her dad was with her during her first surgery. Well it took 2 days after removing the tube that wasn't supposed to be life support but we were told by the Dr. that it is all that is keeping her alive. Two days which I did not leave her side except to the chapel pleading God to take her so she wouldn't suffer anymore I listened to her drown in her own mucous and spit. This has affected my whole life/. I think of it everyday. I am being treated for post traumatic stress syndrome and seeing a psychiatrist but I feel so guilty for letting them tube her picturing her head shaking no and her pointing at the shoulder she was ready then to go and I stopped it. Especially with her being tubed which was totally against her wishes. I need to know she forgives me I am getting sick over this my health has been terrible since I finally came the realization that she IS in that wonderful place and I held her up miserably. Debbie Moniz 903-757-6835

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