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Date Posted: 07:57:48 06/15/02 Sat
“About the System”
(Faith... circa Season 3 at some stage)
So this is life? This pointless, inane, day to day routine... This is what it’s all about? No reason. No grounds. No rationale.
Just... this.
I remember back in the 3rd grade my mother told me, “Depend on yourself, and you’ll make it.” Hardly the words of an astute intellect, but I can’t say it’s bad advice. Of course, this coming from the woman who lived her life one bottle at a time; the living embodiment of tough love. Not that I blame her. Not completely anyway. I want to, of course I do, but you gotta put it all away. Lock it up and deal.
Maybe life isn’t exciting, and maybe it’s not fair. But we are here no matter what. So, I tell you I have a philosophy. Life is a system. We’re all part of a bigger thing, but that isn’t what matters. We don’t need to know why things are the way they are, we just need to know that they exist. We live because we have to, not because we want to. And I don’t mean to sound disheartened, I don’t. But the world is what it is. I survive because of the system. I survive because I’m in this world, and whether I like it or not I’m a part of something. I survive because I have to.
They say the world changes... but I wonder, does it really? I think maybe people change... or can. Twenty years or eighty, things might look different, the world might seem like a different place... but after all of it, has anything really changed. Makes you wonder.
Makes me wonder what happens if the system ever does change.
That’s what scares me when I think about death. It’s not that I’m afraid of dying, it’s just... I’m terrified of what happens after that. The unknown. Because that’s what change is all about... you lose control of reality, and when you come back things are different. I’ve gotta believe that the system works. That everything we do is meant to be done. Being here, just waking up every day and existing.
I have to believe the system is safe.
And stable.
Because if it changes, I’m afraid of what I’ll do.
“Because Of You”
(Willow... circa "New Moon Rising")
I’m here.
Because I felt something.
And I don’t know how to describe it, not really... It was kind, and warm. It made me feel safe, but made me feel scared. Scared that I wasn’t right, that I wasn’t safe without it. It’s something that I saw every time you were here with me. It was so raw… but tender, you know? It made me feel like the world would always be safe with it nearby.
I saw into it.
Into you.
And it took me by surprise.
I’d felt love before but this was different. This was... It was like my heart was open for the world to see and I was finally feeling everything for the first time. The thoughts and feelings, they were a mystery, but now I know, and it’s clear to me. I’m in love... I’m in love because of you.
So now I’m here.
“Cold Inside”
(Cordy... circa "Redefinition")
Don’t say anything. Don’t get up. Just listen.
I don’t know exactly what it is that you’re going through, and I pretty much don’t care. What I do know is you’ve let me down. I’ve seen some horrifying things over the last few years and I’ve learnt to build up my defenses, to toughen up so that I know I’ll be safe. Learned how to survive, and what I need to go through to get there. For the most part, I think I’m a better person because of it. I know that I’m stronger person. Stronger in the sense that I believe in myself. And that’s a good thing. Being able to look inside and see that you’ve grown and that all the pain and suffering hasn’t been for nothing.
But the pain stays. After everything, it’s still there, it becomes part of you. Being strong means that you don’t let it take over. That’s what it’s taught me. That’s what you’ve taught me. Being around such torment for so long, if for nothing else, I’ve learned that. When my head aches and my whole body feels like it’s going to give up, I know that if I look inside, the hurt will lessen. I know. But when I look at you, I don’t see that. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Looking at you, I feel cold inside. And even if somewhere deep down there’s a glow...
When I look at you, and all I see is pain.
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