I need some opinions on this thing that I wrote -- The Flaming Squid's Short Story Post

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Date Posted: 04:11:29 06/27/01 Wed
Author: Vendrin
Subject: I need some opinions on this thing that I wrote

The Jester Asked Me
Brandon E. Digges

The jester said to me, Amongst a group of darkened trees. �What, is your wish?� His raspy and snickering voice filling the lingering night air.
�My wish is death.� I said back to him, my voice true. My hazel eyes peering up into the area in which I thought the crazy, bouncing man to be. The air was crisp and the moon was particularly large. The ground was sparkling in the moonlight from the dewdrops. Glowing like gems, the field of glowing embers went as far as the eye could see in every direction except for the cluttered group of black leafed trees before me.
�Death be your wish?� The jester�s grotesquely smiling visage spat at me. �If your wish be death. Why have you come, when you could have gone?�
The question made my head turn. My mind went into shock, as it tried to make reason of the surroundings that was so unimportant to me. I shook my head and looked up at the glowing, yellowish moon. The clouds were gray streaks and wisps on the bright background. A clock in my mind began to tick faster, and faster. Suddenly the wisps became streaks as they went past the moon at a fast rate. The sky became a vortex of nothingness and sucked up all light.
Suddenly I was in a room with no light. Fear ran through my body. It made me shiver like abrupt and harshly cold conditions. The only light came from my own eyes. I peered out amongst the nothingness looking for the copse of trees where the Jester, I knew, would be snickering silently in the night.
I took steps on firm ground that felt like metal but made no sound on my boots. I felt the sensation of falling, lightly, but surely. It began to pick up. Every step I took felt like I was walking down, straight down at a 90-degree angle. I suddenly lost control of my feet and I free fell down, further, further into this void.
As quickly as it began, I came to a stop so quickly that it jerked my body. I rotated up. I was staring at a huge white mask. The mouth was turned up into a wickedly gleeful grin that made me afraid almost instantly. The eyes were cut so that they were slits and oddly insane looking. They seemed to want to inflict pain. The mask was set in the middle of the blackness. The eyes and mouth openings were red like blood.
Suddenly the mask seemed to be alive. It laughed at me. It�s insanely sinister eyes peering at me looking at my soul. Looking at my pain and manipulating it to hurt me more. It had the facial expression of what I thought a merciless killer would always have before an execution. The mouth area then grew sharp pointed teeth. They were dull white like the rest of the mask. The color reminded me of bleached bones.
The mask then raced across the blackness. The blood red making my eyes see blurring streaks of blood across the void. The mask swallowed me in one mouth full. I was in a sea of blood. My clothes stained immediately. They became saturated. I became stained. I was saturated in the blood. The socking wet clothes threatened to drown me in this sea of sin.
The sea was in every direction. There was no escape. The sky above reflected the color of the blood. Lightning bloomed and the roar of thunder and liquid moving in waves could be heard. The clouds were dull gray outlined in red. The lightning struck down in the distance, and was always replaced by another clap of thunder each time. I struggled vainly to keep my head above the blood. But it was thick and my clothes weighted me down.
I attempted to shed my clothes. But it just got me tangled up. How sad that it ends this way, In shame, Because of the shame that hounded mankind from the beginning. It would end the same way. Feelings of adrenaline came over me. It fueled my last attempts to free myself from this hell. My limbs slowly gave way. My muscles ached. My mind had already accepted loss. I denied it. I had to try� I tried�
The winds picked up and the waves began to crash over my head. Sputtering and breathing hard, I continued my vain assault on my mind. Attempting to encourage myself. The lightning grew larger. The thunder was louder then any I had ever heard. With each new clap of thunder I felt part of myself die. The wind howled and the waves became even larger yet. I let my limbs go slack from exhaustion. A huge wave carried me downward into the blood.
The storm stemming from my own soul put the final nail into my coffin. The Jester asked me. I wished for death�

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Re: I need some opinions on this thing that I wrote -- skittlefairy, 10:56:41 07/01/01 Sun