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top gear -- andrew, 15:00:17 12/23/04 Thu (host217-44-23-241.range217-44.btcentralplus.com/217.44.23.241)
"What sort of country do we live in,when boxing day is sacrificed to go and buy a sofa? We should be out foxhunting!"
Jeremy Clarkson
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Re: Christmas cheer -- KateD, 07:10:40 12/24/04 Fri (host81-157-140-160.range81-157.btcentralplus.com/81.157.140.160)
Tis very dangerous to foxhunt on icy ground though.
I used to go riding every boxing day. It was always a somewhat hair-raising experience. Back in the days before music swallowed all my money...
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Re: Christmas cheer -- Emily, 13:04:27 12/24/04 Fri (host81-154-167-248.range81-154.btcentralplus.com/81.154.167.248)
do you like this wine?
i hope so, i bought 27 bottles of it.
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Re: Christmas cheer -- Zachery, 13:18:08 12/24/04 Fri (159-134-245-56.as1.chf.cork.eircom.net/159.134.245.56)
We should go out on horseback and chase Clarkson's fat denim-clad arse over a field. It would be over in seconds and the world would be 0.005% less smug.
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Re: Christmas cheer -- ray, 18:17:00 12/24/04 Fri (NoHost/82.133.103.26)
i quite agree zac.
either that or to run over him in a sports car.
Merry Christmas everyone!
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Re: Christmas cheer -- ray, 15:27:41 12/25/04 Sat (NoHost/82.133.103.26)
preferably whilst yelling "great acceleration on this model!!" into the camera. to film him dying on his own programme would be nice
>i quite agree zac.
>either that or to run over him in a sports car.
>
>Merry Christmas everyone!
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Re: Christmas cheer -- lindsay, 17:33:26 12/25/04 Sat (host81-152-69-235.range81-152.btcentralplus.com/81.152.69.235)
I bloody love JC (that's right.. I made him hip) his smugness yet total lack of cool makes him a legend.
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Re: Christmas cheer -- Zachery Needs, 06:44:23 12/26/04 Sun (159-134-245-184.as1.chf.cork.eircom.net/159.134.245.184)
Yeah. A legendary cunt.
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Re: Christmas cheer -- andrew, 08:21:59 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
He's a more sexually dangerous version of Bond.
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Clarkson -- daniel, 09:42:42 12/26/04 Sun (webcacheH03a.cache.pol.co.uk/195.92.67.67)
Oh dear zachery, Clarkson is great, what other man can release drive time CD's and get palpably excited by a Meatloaf song coming on his car stereo. I know who i would rather share a few drinks with in the pub, if it came to a cahoice between him and the stig or some bleedin heart vegan hunt protestors. Well, apart from Otis Ferry who is also quite funny, in a trustafarian kinda way.
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Re: Clarkson -- andrew, 10:43:01 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
daniel
my phone is not alive
can you tidy up before tuesday.dont want the old man to think we live like morons and sit around all day getting drunk and watching crap like cool runnings.
also i've seen a new guitar.
1959 Hofner Club. problem is it costs seven grand.
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Re: Clarkson -- andrew, 10:51:00 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
oh yeh. and I have not smoked since we played Risk last week. in effect making me an ex smoker. im not sanctamonious but please will you and neil protect our lungs by not letting us breathe in your smoke.ta
i have been driving round the streets at one hundred m.p.h in a green Peugot 106.
Boom Boom
i was playing Need For Speed II on my brothers X-box!
haha!!
!!
!!!!!!
!!
!!
!!
!!
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cabin fever. -- big ears, 10:52:12 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
aaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
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Re: cabin fever. -- andrew, 11:01:01 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
daniel
who would win a fight between
He-man and Phil Jupitus?
WRONG
i think He-man would be battered to within an inch of his life. jupitus would start crying about his weight and having his head put down the toilets of Working Man's Clubs as punishment. He-man would bide himself a vital fiveminutes to find his Mastercard and penetrate he filhty pundit.Probably finish off with a mere headbutt.
Daniel
Who do you think would win in a fight between Uncle Douglas and Tony from Hollyoaks?
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Re: Christmas cheer -- Zachery Needs, 12:05:00 12/26/04 Sun (159-134-245-225.as1.chf.cork.eircom.net/159.134.245.225)
You're wrong about Clarkson.
We've said before that we shun irony and to like this man and claim to be a human being can only be ironic.
I'd also like to point out that Otis Ferry was in fact a PRO-hunt protestor.
And a fucking wanker.
(Pardon my language).
Zac xxx
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Re: Christmas cheer -- andrew, 12:59:52 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
Last time I checked we weren't a political party. but Jeremy Clarkson is a very entertaining television personality, and comparable to other luminaries such as Alan Partridge, and Basil Fawlty.
I think there are repeats of Little Britain on later
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My plans to save Formula One -- Jeremy Clarkson, 13:10:20 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
So, the Formula One season is over and now the rulemakers will be spending the winter wondering what changes they should make for next year. Might I suggest they begin by doing something about Ron Dennis’s wardrobe?
Ron, and all the bigwigs at what David Coulthard insists on calling “West McLaren Mercedes”, turn up to races in sorts of browny-grey leather bomber jackets — the type favoured by Dennis Waterman when he was Arthur Daley’s minder 20 years ago.
This, coupled with Bernie Ecclestone’s pudding-basin hair, and the Lycra girls who grin and hold flags at the start of every race, gives viewers the impression they’ve inadvertently tuned into a plumbing company’s corporate video from 1982.
This does nothing to bolster the image of the sport, and as a result it does nothing either to bolster the image of the people who watch it. Thanks to Ron, we’re all seen as being members of the Terry McCann Appreciation Society.
Then we have the drivers. Earlier in the year Toyota sent me a photograph of Olivier Panis and Cristiano da Matta touring the electrical workshop of a young offenders’ institution in Aylesbury. Why? I like to believe that when the races are over the drivers climb into their private jets with some of the pit girls and play hide-the-sausage all the way back to their penthouses in Monte Carlo. I like to think they spend their free time Skidooing down mountains, not wrapped up in branded short-sleeved shirts, peering at circuit boards in Buckinghamshire prisons.
In essence the whole sport urgently needs a makeover, and then, when Nicky Clarke has had a go at Bernie’s barnet, Ron’s been given a suit and Olivier Panis has been photographed leaving a lap-dancing bar on a personal hovercraft, they can start to do something about the racing.
At the moment it’s dire. In the last event of the championship, the commentator told us breathlessly that we were watching one of the most exciting races of the year, yet he still had time to say that next on ITV it was Coronation Street.
They don’t do that in horseracing. Jim McGrath doesn’t tell us that Crooked Dick is starting to catch Venereal Disease and “coming up next is Richard and Judy who will be interviewing Bryan McFadden about his tragic split with Kerry Dimwit”. There isn’t the time because horseracing is fast and furious and Formula One is just not.
Amazingly, however, instead of working on ways to make the racing better, all I’m hearing from the rulemakers are ways to make it cheaper — which will benefit the team bosses and sponsors — and safer, which will benefit the drivers’ wives. There isn’t a single proposal on the table that will make it better for the viewers.
Nobody is saying, “Hey, let’s sprinkle water onto one of the corners and see how they cope with that”. And to my certain knowledge nobody is suggesting that each driver has to race while under the influence of a different drug. Imagine that: Schumacher on acid, Coulthard on coke and Raikkonen on grass.
The fact is that they can limit the number of days a team can test, and allow Minardi to run with a turbocharger, and host races in Uzbekistan on Malaysian crossply tyres, but none of these things will correct the fundamental flaw — that what we’re watching every other weekend is Manchester United playing a selection of teams from the Conference League. We know before the damn thing starts who’s going to win.
And it’ll be the same story next year because McLaren and Williams might, given a fair wind and about £200m, be able to make their cars as fast as the Ferraris were this year. But then they’ll turn up in Australia to find the red cars have improved by a similar margin, too.
It has always been thus. For as long as I can remember there has always been one team that dominates the year’s racing. No amount of rule changes will alter that, so what we need is a complete overhaul, and don’t worry. Because I have the answer.
Each team puts, say, £1m in a pot controlled by, let’s say . . . me. I will use this to pay a squad of 22 drivers who take it in turns to drive each car. This way Michael Schumacher races for Ferrari at the first race, Minardi the next, Jordan the next and so on.
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Re: My plans to save Formula One (part two) -- Jeremy Ernest Dave One Of The lads Clarkson, 13:12:11 12/26/04 Sun (host217-42-244-1.range217-42.btcentralplus.com/217.42.244.1)
At the end of the year the best driver wins the driver’s championship because he has made the best use of whatever machinery was made available to him. And the best team would win the team championship because their faster cars would mask the inadequacies of, say, David Coulthard.
Formula One would still be a showcase for technical excellence. It would still be home to the best drivers in the world. But instead of it being a yawn on television, we could never guess in a million years who would win each weekend.
The drivers, I feel sure, would love this too because they’d be freed from the short-sleeved branded shirts and could spend their weekends off having parachute-sex instead of looking at a young offender’s circuit board. And the teams would love it because they could concentrate on running the cars, only having to worry about the ego of their backroom, never-seen test driver.
The trouble is, of course, that in the whole of Formula One, there’s only one team that is clever and adventurous enough to go for such a radical and cunning plan. I’m talking, of course, about Renault.
Think about it. Every time you find a dark erotic thriller set in Prague on Channel 4, you can be assured it was sponsored by the créateur d’automobiles. Whereas Dale’s Big Cash Holiday Supermarket Price is always brought to you by Rover.
And what about the shaking-that-ass advert? Can you see those Mercedes men in bomber jackets sanctioning such a thing?
In Formula One Renault is the only team that seems to understand that the sport is all about glamour, excitement and danger, and having unusual sex with ice-white, 9ft-tall stick-insect women with cartoon lips and breasts that boing upwards when you take their bras off. The boss, for instance, is a chap called Flavio Briatore, and he seems to have dated if not fathered children with every supermodel in the world. The man is so aloof he doesn’t even bother to form sentences properly, so “Hello Jeremy, how are you?” comes out as “hnnf”. I would love to ask what he thinks of Ron Dennis’s jacket.
Then you have their drivers. Now I know Jarno Trulli likes Simply Red and lives in Reading. But they masked this by insisting he grew rock-star hair and wore a bandanna. Some say he was sacked for petulance, but I suspect it’s because he once let slip that he likes Phil Collins, too. This, in the world of Renault, is simply not on.
As a result of this, Renault is the only team in Formula One that does what it sets out to do. Sell cars.
Ron Dennis doesn’t make me want to buy a Mercedes. Frank Williams doesn’t want to make me buy a BMW. But fatty Flav with his Billionaires’ Club in Sardinia and his monosyllabic speech patterns makes me want a Renault Vel Satis.
Traditionally, I would now tell you all about this strange form of executive transport. I’d say it was not an aesthetic or dynamic match for the 5-series BMW or the Audi A6, but that it feels unusual and rather groovy inside. I’d talk about the rather dull front-wheel-drive handling and everyone would be happy.
But to demonstrate that you don’t always have to do what you’ve always done, I’m going to draw a line here and hope — pray even — that Formula One’s bosses do the same.
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