| Subject: Bill Maher on Mars |
Author:
betty repost
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Date Posted: 11:30:36 02/21/04 Sat
In reply to:
Betty
's message, "Hubbble telescope to die & be destoyed" on 12:26:05 02/15/04 Sun
New rule: If you’re over twelve and you got excited this week about Mars, you need a girlfriend.
(TURN)
Two days ago, the planet Mars passed closer to the Earth than at any time in the last 60,000 years, prompting NASA to press for another probe costing 325 million dollars. For that kind of money, Kobe Bryant could buy his wife a diamond so big he could fuck a beauty pageant. And for what? The Mars mission is to look for ice. Guys, put down the sliderule and look at me for a second. We already have ice. It’s at a place called the 7-11.
And I’m not a hippie. I’m not saying we could throw that money away on schools or health care. I’m saying you could buy 350 cruise missiles with that dough and use them on anybody who gets between Dick Cheney and oil.
The media keeps claiming Mars mania is sweeping the world. No, gay guys giving straight guys a makeover is sweeping the world. This is just a red dot in the sky that for some reason NASA keeps shooting stuff at like it was a homeless Indian sleeping on Ted Nugent’s lawn. The latest probe is programmed to find clues that Mars was once warmer and wetter, and if it works up there, they’re going to try it on Katherine Harris.
Look, I don’t blame scientists for wanting to find life on other planets, that’s what geeks do. They figure women on Earth won’t fuck me, maybe the ones on Zorcon will. But it’s time we got real and admitted we’re not ready for this. We haven’t mastered cyberspace! I’m sure primitive man wanted to cross the ocean, but he had to get past putting a rock on a stick first. Maybe in another thousand years we’ll have teleportation and all that other Star Trek stuff, but with our current technology we can’t even make William Shatner’s hair look real. We’re not ready for other planets if we’re still slaughtering each other on this one over which holy book is truly God’s word – and that’s just in Alabama. Like it or not, we’re still a primitive tribe ruled by fears, superstition and misinformation, and I don’t just mean Fox news.
We should stop getting people’s hopes up about how great Mars someday could be. We tried that with Iraq. Mars could be what it is, a bunch of red dust, the kind that Arnold sprinkles on his head to make him look younger. Do you really think we can get a man to Mars? We can’t even get electricity to Rochester.
Forget the Mars probe. Be thankful something isn’t down here probing us. If you’re that desperate for contact with an alien, drive by Sherwin Williams around 7:30 in the morning and hire one to build you a deck.
Mars won’t be this close again till the year 2287, which is when future Republicans are expected to finally have all the data they need to believe in global warming.
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