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Date Posted: 22:02:27 04/10/01 Tue
Author: Bruce
Author Host/IP: NoHost / 24.42.80.209
Subject: Found this on one of my mailing lists!!!! LOL.

ASSOCIATED PRESS
Kansas City, Friday, April 6, 2001 2:15 pm

At 1 pm today the Surgeon General posted the following on the FDA web
site as a public service for those individuals suffering from Contest
Withdraw Snydrome.

Contest Withdraw Syndrome (CWS) frequently occurs to groupings of
obsessed individuals that participate in BBQ contests as a team or to
individuals that participate in BBQ contests as judges or other
interested parties.

The most frequent occurrence of CWS follows the participation in two or
more subsequent weekend BBQ contests and manifests itself the Friday
following the last scheduled contest.

CWS symptoms include irritability, nervousness, twitching, increased
frequency of blinking, dry mouth, the uncontrollable urge to load and
unload unnecessary items into vehicles and drive non-stop for hundreds
of miles, the desire to purchase hundreds of dollars worth of uncooked,
unseasoned meat and green leafed lettuces, and a heightened fear of red
tipped lettuces and cabbages.

A number of clinics are cropping up accross the nation to treat the
individuals afflicted with CWS. These clinics are often located at fair
grounds, polo fields, parks, and for some reason distilleries.

Individuals afflicted with CWS are encouraged to follow the following
recommended treatment protocol:

1. Accept that CWS is an illness, it is not a character flaw.

2. Believe that CWS is cureable.

3. Do not deny your pain.

4. Enlist your family and friends support of your treatment.

5. Invite your family and friends to your home at Noon on the Saturday
following the last contest.

6. Stay up all night Friday and BBQ a minimum of four types of meats,
two of which must require a minimum of 10 hours.

7. Cut yourself at least once while trimming the meats.

8. Place the meats in the serving trays and run around your house twice
prior to placing the meats in front of your family and friends between
11:55 am and 12:05 pm on Saturday.

9. Encourage your family and friends not to make any comments until
4:00 pm on Saturday.

10. After serving the meats between 11:55 am and 12:05 pm and prior to
the 4:00 pm comments, wash and clean everything in sight and load it up
in your vehicle.

While the above protocol might not ease all the CWS symptoms they will
help until the next scheduled KCBS cookoff you attend.

For those needing additional relief from CWS send $9.95 to Don Grissom
for a CD with Carolyn Wells reciting recipies from Hannibal. The
soothing sound of Carolyn's voice will ease the most seriously afflicted
with CWS and the Hannibal recipies are actually quite good with a nice
Merlot.

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