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The Extended Adventures of Gimli
Ok - Gimli is short, overweight and ugly. He also has a beard and a rather scary Welsh accent. All these, plus a few other reasons, mean that girls are not attracted to him, and therefore unlike Legolas, Gimli does not have reams and reams of fanfiction, websites etc dedicated to him.

Luckily for John Rhys-Davies however, Evilgrinch thinks differently. And thus this forum is born, in an attempt to prevent him littering our various other forums [see
here (homepage), here (rpg), and here (chat)]. We can only pray it works. If you wanna contribute details can be found on any of the above links.

Skip to bottom.

Subject: Gimli's Return

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Date Posted: 21:59:07 02/05/03 Wed

*Heroic Dwarf Drags Problem Elf Back into Burning Building*

Gimli, son of Gloin, made the ultimate sacrifice for Middle Earth yesterday, as the fearless Dwarf, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of an obnoxious elf. Legolas seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the dwarf subdued the elf and dragged him back to his death as the wizards and hobbits he had tormented watched gratefully.
One, Gandalf the White, said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags stored in Legolas's closet was ignited by one of the candles used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Gandalf quickly ushered the rest of the fellowship, including Gimli to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the blonde haired elf catch up on his sleep."

A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Legolas, and he stumbled toward the door. As the others watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the elf struggled free of the burning debris.
Tragedy was avoided only when Gimli sprung from his father Gloin's arms to push the staggering, annoying elf back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dwarf, was gnawing on Legolas charred flesh even as he was overcome by flames.
Witnesses described the elf's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Legolas' mouth like no beating ever could," a thankful Elrond said.

He continued, "Legolas changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Aragorn added, "He would call me that, too." Legolas was especially close to Gimli, said Frodo, "He would grip his beard and try to ride him down the stairs or sometimes trick him into licking his axe. It's that kind of thing that inspired him to do what he did."
Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the whole of middle earth gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Legolas death.


PS-Special thanks to thespark.com. Gimli shall return from the dead soon.


Aragorn and Gandalf are enjoying a drink to celebrate Legolas death, when Frodo bursts in.

Frodo: I have some bad news

Gandalf: Which is?

Frodo screams, and falls to the ground. An axe firmly embedded in the back of his neck. As he falls downwards, a shadowy figure is revealed behind him.

Aragorn: Who the hell are you?

To the shock and surprise of both the wizard and king, Gimli emerges, a look of anger and frustration on his bearded face.

Gimli: You're full of surprises Mr.Baggins...but not anymore.

Gimli uses the force, to pull his axe out of Frodo's neck. Gandalf isn't willing to make the mistakes he made earlier against the Balrog though, so quickly ignites his lightsabre.

Aragorn: Gimli! This can't be...you fell!!!

Gimli: What is with the word "fell", whenever someone dies in a Lord of the rings movie, they have to use the word "fell" everytime. Screw that word, I hate that word!!!

Gandalf: Lets get this over and done with.

Gandalf charges at Gimli with his sabre, ready to strike. Gimli calmly dodges the wizards attack, and pulls out a gun. With no hesitation, Gandalf drops his weapon and falls to his knees.
Gimli fires.

But instead of a bullet, Gandalf is shocked to find a liquid substance being squirted onto his face, dripping down onto his beard. He soon realises it is gasoline.

Gimli: You may have survived the fires of a demon, but consider this barbecue time you sonofabitch

Gimli strikes a match, and flicks it towards Gandalf. The wizard dives backwards in a pointless attempt at escape, but it is too late. His entire head explodes in flame, as the match hits his beard. He runs desperately back and fourth trying to find something to put the fire out, but within less then 10 seconds Gandalf is a smouldering pile of ash on the floor.

Aragorn: Thank God for that, I never really forgave him for that movie where he played the Nazi.

Gimli: You can't talk your way out of this one Aragorn, only one of us is leaving this room alive...


Legolas, a bloodied mess of burnt up elf staggers in with an arrow firmly pointed directly towards Aragorn's head.

Gimli: Legolas! But...you were dead.

Legolas: There's no such thing as death in films...haven't you seen Ghostbusters. Now we will get revenge on Aragorn

Aragorn: Excuse me, but wasn't it Gimli who dragged you back into the burning house.

Legolas: Maybe, but it was you who banished me and Sallah here into rubbish "comic relief" roles at Helms deep. You were busy kicking the living crap out of everything, whilst we were left with substandard roles having that rubbish competition. I'm a fun loving peaceful elf, I don't want to be forced into some murderous competiton with a midget. I want revenge...

Gimli: Lets get him brother

Aragorn uses the force to pull Gandalf's sabre from the wizards corpse. He ignites, and quickly deflects Legolas first arrow. He then swings at Gimli, narrowly missing his head.
Legolas soon has another arrow primed, and fires, hitting Aragorn in the chest.

Legolas: This ain't no Boromir incident Mr.Mortensen, you going down right now.

Gimli and Legolas both hack Aragorn to the ground. Then turn to face eachother.

Gimli: Are you sure you can really forgive me for dragging you back into that fire?

Legolas: Well, only because I love Raiders and Last Crusade so damn much Welsh boy.

Happy at the successes of the day, the two multi-species characters exit the nightclub...but then something shocking and science-fictiony happens that nobody suspects.




As soon as the duo landed, Gimli realised his mistake. Though Aragorn may have ruined Helms Deep for him, at least he provided decent conversation, unlike Legolas. Gimli turned to face Legolas...in addition to being a bit of a tosser, the elf's stupid blonde wig was starting to seriously damage Gimli pychologically.
Legolas had no personality...all he did was take the piss out of Gimli's height throughout all of their joint adventures...and worst of all, Legolas was a better rolemodel for kids.

Legolas: Where do you think we are Gimli, son of Gloin?

Hearing the Elfs piecing, painfully bad delivery of his dialogue cut through Gimli like a hundred swords. The final nail in the coffin though.....LEGOLAS DID NOT HAVE A BEARD.

Gimli force pushed Legolas through the air, sending him smashing through a brick wall...(that was there for some reason). Legolas picked himself up, and whipped an arrow out, ready to make Gimli's day a lot worse, but Gimli did a backflip and dodged Legolas shot.

Legolas: Gimli! Why! After all our time together, why do you betray me?

Gimli: Once upon a time master elf, we were fighting together in Moria, when I clearly told you NOT THE BEARD. Consider this revenge, for even touching it...let alone almost ripping it out.

Legolas: But thats not a reason to ki......

Gimli swung his axe with all his strength, and Legolas head went rolling away down a hill...leaving a trail of silver blood on the way down.

Gimli: Who's the short one now.



Proud of his witty one-liner, Gimli casually dropped his axe to the ground, and began looking around for anything that could show where he and his decapitated elf friend had landed. It was a lush, grassy area, with a few small buildings nearby...one of which, Gimli had pushed Legolas into a short while previously.

As Gimli examined his surroundings, a dozen policemen in full riot gear approached, with their batons ready to beat the hapless dwarf into submission.
They encircled him cautioustly, ready to pounce...but they were not quick enough for the clever young dwarf.
Gimli may have dropped his axe, but he had another...even better weapon on hand.

His lightsabre.

Gimli pulled the silver tube from his leather belt and held it in his two hands, ready and waiting. The police thought nothing of this silver tube the dwarf was carrying though, so continued their approach.

They regreted this though, seconds later, when one policemen found a white-hot laser slicing through his neck with great speed and accuracy.

The rest of the group charged, but no attack was too great for Gimli. He leaped into the air, sommersaulting and flipping from side to side like a bearded Yoda. The police scattered and ran for their lives, as Gimli shredded them with his sabre. Gimli fears nothing.

When the immediate threat from the police was over, Gimli pushed his sabre back into his belt and marched through the small town...directly into the graveyard.

Gimli: Time to undo the mistake I made.

Using a mixture of voodoo, amongst other stuff that is way too hard to explain Gimli ressurects Aragorn as a skelington (yes....i said skelington...the correct spelling, not skeleton)

Skelington Aragorn: I thought you hated me though Master Dwarf....you and that elf killed me?

Gimli: Yes...but now you are back....as a skelington...a skelington with a beard.

Skelington Aragorn: Good point

Gimli, Skelington Aragorn, Evilgrinch the wizard and Mr.Horse (Who now prefers Tango) run off into the sunset...



how many thousands of posts has david written?!?!?!?!?

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Subject: adventures galore

Aragorn... ok gimli
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Date Posted: 20:57:58 02/07/03 Fri

Meanwhile...Gimli, Skelington Aragorn, Evilgrinch the wizard and Mr.Horse (Who now prefers Cola) are still running....nobody knows where though, because I am tired.


PS- Gimli thinks Punch-Drunk Love is the best film of 2003 so far.


Night fell quickly upon the strange land they had landed in, and Gimli was not alone in wishing he had prepared himself a lunchbox before his adventures had begun.

Skellington Aragorn was agreed with Gimli on this issue, and with a series of cryptic winks and sly nods, they were decided how to go about getting some food.


Despite Evilgrinch's protests, Mr.Horse was now slowly being cooked over a large fire...he had drunk his last Fanta, and this time he would not be coming back. Once he had been properly cooked, Gimli and Skellington Aragorn would have some horse steaks.

A while later, Aragorn had eaten enough horse to change him from a skellington back into a normal person, much to Gimli's disappointment. Evilgrinch too was becoming his normal green self, and quickly got over the death of his only friend...Mr.Horse. The conversation soon turned to the more important issue at hand...where the hell were they?

Evilgrinch: Well, I've never been here thats for sure.

Aragorn: Can't you do some magic to find out where we are? Aren't you a wizard? I thought you were Gandalf's cousin?

Gimli: He gave it up for lent, remember!

Aragorn: But it isn't lent anymore?

Evilgrinch: I know that, but its too much effort to start the whole magic thing again...I rather like being just normal 'Mr.Evilgrinch'. Wizardry comes with too much baggage. If you want to know where we are, best chance would be to phone my beloved cousin.

Aragorn: What's phone precioussss?

Evilgrinch: Telephone...

Gimli: Quit it already, he doesn't know what a phone is.

Evilgrinch: I think I should get in contact with Gandalf anyway though, he knows best...either of you know where he may be?

Gimli and Aragorn looked at eachother...

Aragorn: Erm...errr....well, I'm not sure really....he kind of....died...sort of...like, well...kind of.

Evilgrinch: HE WHAT!!!!

Gimli: I can't be bothered to lie to you Evilgrinch, I murdered Gandalf. Elrond told me he was making advances on Galdariel, and I simply couldn't stand for that...

Evilgrinch: How could you Gimli...you will pay for this...I have a punishment that will suit you perfectly

Evilgrinch smiled menacingly.


Gimli stood, wearing a black pair of shoes, grey trousers, a green shirt, tie, white jacket and apron....most insultingly though...a cheap hat.
He was working on the Waitrose service counters.
Aragorn and Evilgrinch stood on the other side of the counters, laughing histerically.

Gimli: If you tell anybody about this, then I swear to God I will kill both of you...



Aragorn and Evilgrinch stood around laughing, in front of the counter for a great deal of time, until they realised that Mr.Burn was staring at them from the distance. As they left, Gimli went back to work, muttering expletives to himself as he wiped some skanky tuna off a chopping board.

After what seemed like an age of boredom, other staff began to arrive...including Gimli's section manager, Reg, who he spoke to briefly about salary.

Reg: Standard rate Gimli is 3.68 an hour, though we currently run a system of double pay per hour on Sundays...you you will earn 7.34 an hour then.

Gimli: That sounds reasonable, any other stuff?

Reg: Discount card...10%. Oh, and you get a 6% annual profit share in March

It was at this point that Reg firmly placed his hand on Gimli's shoulder...waiting for the dwarfs response.
Gimli, incredibly uncomfortable with Reg's disturbingly close proxmity to him stepped backwards, and out of Reg's grasp.

Gimli: That seems, okay...I guess...can I get back to work now?

Reg, a little sad that Gimli had backed away from his cunningly disguised advances, left quickly.
Gimli sighed, as an air of relief flushed over him...hopefully he wouldn't see his section manager again that day.

Gimli picked up the tongs, and started reducing some steaks to 6.99 a Kg, when a new, evil presense arrived. Forget Sauron, Gimli was now face-to-face with someone who could be the dark lords potential bride.

It was Jan.

This arrogant, short, grey-haired woman in her mid-fifties, stood shouting insults at Gimli...insults which even his razor sharp wit was unable to combat at such speed. She then lept onto the counter, and started throwing everything about...much to Gimli's distress.
Gimli would have loved to murder her right there. Sadistic thoughts began to form in his mind, as Jan stuffed his beard into his hat. He imagined just spontaneously picking this anti-christ, and launching her into a volcano....

But now was not the time. Gimli needed to cover his tracks if he were to get rid of Jan. Aragorn and Evilgrinch would surely be happy to form a plan, but they weren't enough.

Gimli needed a Waitrose insider...an accomplise if you will, to help him carry out his revenge.
And Gimli knew of another, who hated Jan as much as he did.



hopefully this forum will mean i can stop deleting stuff from the regular forum. *sigh* would like to say how much this paticular episode of the extended adventures amused me... love mocking of waitrose. do not know jan but i fear her. she jumps on becca everytime we go in there, is really scary. anyway going to go delete other posts now. byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

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Subject: future posts and indy barr

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Date Posted: 22:51:53 02/07/03 Fri

Well, I try...drawing on my long experience writing Jurassic Park fanfics back in the summer of 2001.

I am going to write another post tomorrow afternoon, after I finish filming Indiana Barr 3 (which should occupy a good few hours :>). Indy barr 3 has a cool scene in which Indiana Barr and Emile Heskey set fire to a beautiful mind poster, I burnt my hand filming it.
It is great


Ps- Barry Norman is a God....he signed my book :>:>:>

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Subject: Oscars are wrong!!!

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Date Posted: 11:21:49 02/08/03 Sat

Dave - aren't Indy Barr and Heskey on opposite sides?

Ah well, I suppose loathing of A Beautiful Mind is shared by all. Not that I've seen it though. A movie about maths didn't really appeal to me. (nb. Charlotte and Kt say it's actually quite good. That is no excuse for winning best picture over LotR though).

Is the racist granny back in this one? Dave, you really have to lend me 1 and 2 at some point. Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

p.s. I'm guessing Gimli's accomplice is gonna be me, as I can think of fewer people who dislike Jan more than me. My only concern is who I'll be appearing as. If I'm Sam or Gandalf I'll kill you...

...In the mincer...

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Subject: indy barr 3

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Date Posted: 18:34:48 02/08/03 Sat

Indiana barr and Emile Heskey *are* on opposite sides.

But when indy finds out that a beautiful mind won best picture, he has no choice but to team up with his arch-enemy in order to seek revenge.

You see, Indy barr died at the end of I.B.2, so this time he is a ghost/zombie, and is therefore unable to have revenge on his own.


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Date Posted: 19:18:26 02/08/03 Sat

David Camp

The only man in the universe who held a hatred as deep as Gimli's for Jan...the only person willing to commit a remorseless murder in order to free the world from Jan's grasp.
As soon as he arrived for his shift on the meat counter later that day, Gimli dragged him aside into the changing rooms and explained his plan.

David: Thats a fine idea Mr.Gimli, but I don't work alone, I have to be assured that regardless of how ficitonal you may be, you will help me dispose of the body.

Gimli: Fear not, when we've finished with Jan....there won't be much left.


The weapons were ready, the counter was clean...and the shop was about to close. Gimli stood, his eyes shifting from side-to-side, carefully making sure that everything was going to plan.
Meanwhile, David was carefuly walking towards Jan. She was facing away from him, washing dishes in the cafeteria....David walked slowly towards her, a knife held firmly in his hand...when suddenly....


It suddenly hit David, obviously Jan had some huge historic significance at some point in the future...so a terminator had been sent back through time to stop her murder.

The Terminator turned to Jan....who was sitting crying in the corner (:>)

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live...

He then turned to David, and threw him out a window...much to the young Waitrose employee's annoyance.
David landed in the carpark, and staggered back indoors bleeding heavily...and fell onto the meat counter.

David: Gimli...we are screwed.

Gimli: Why, what have you done? Is Jan dead...

The door that led into the loading bay, blew up...as the Terminator and Jan walked through and into the main shop. Customers screamed and ran as The Terminator opened fire with his mini-gun, blowing away most of the store (including the deli and fish counter :>)...Gimli pulled the badly injured Mr.Camp over the counter and underneath the metal panneling, as the rest of the counter got the living sh*t blown out of it....leaving nothing but a smoking wreck of a shop.

Then, to add to the crapness of this situation...Mr.Burn entered the scene, and stared in shock at the utter mess of his store.

Mr.Burn: What the hell is going on here! What have you done to my shop...DAVID CAMP AND GIMLI YOU ARE FIRED!

Terminator: (In bland, Austrian accent) Mr.Burn...you die now.

The Terminator opened fire again, causing dozens of bullets to rip through Mr.Burn. The (ex)-manager didn't even have time to write a will, as he fell to the ground leaking like a broken urinal.

This is the point where Gimli had enough, he drew his lightsabre and lept into the air, decapitating the Terminator and Jan simaltaneously with one quick swish of his blade.

David: Hey Gimli, you're pretty good with that thing, maybe you should audition for Star Wars 3?

Gimli: No time for that now, I must be leaving.

Gimli looked out the front of the shops broken windows, Aragorn and Evilgrinch were waiting for him....

Gimli: The police will be here soon, and I may lose my job if Reg finds out that I caused this mess.

David: Do not worry Gimli, you have been a great help to us waitrose-part timers...those of us still alive, will make sure you are not caught.

Gimli looked down at the bloodied bodies of Steve Morgan, Mark Glover and Rebecca Needes that littered the floor of the shop...

Gimli: Erm, well..there's not all that many of you left.

David: Thank God for that, maybe they'll put me on a good counter then...like that one with the cakes.

Gimli: Well, best of luck.

Gimli the Dwarf and David Camp shook hands, then Gimli ran off to join his Middle-Earth friends...to go on many more adventures...that I can't be bothered to write about now.


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Subject: Horray!

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Date Posted: 10:20:11 02/09/03 Sun

Horray am not dead! ..............

*ahem* comiserations to all those who are and yet.... I survived the destruction of waitrsoe! great.

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Subject: waitrose destruction

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Date Posted: 17:58:03 02/09/03 Sun

Well the deli did kind of get destroyed...but you weren't named directly among the dead, so maybe you hid in a cupboard or something?

I also dramatically survived, by hiding under the meat counter...which is my designated hiding place in the unlikely situation that some terrorists take over waitrose. Also, I couldn't in good conscience kill myself...that would be ficitonal suicide!

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Subject: Gimli goes to war

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Date Posted: 18:37:19 02/09/03 Sun

As Gimli exited the building, the last few pillars fell down.
Gimli heard distinct cries of pain, as the remaining staff found themselves buried under lots of rubble (apart from meat counter and deli....which definetly were not crushed...oh, and the pattiserie too, because i like cake)

Aragorn and Evilgrinch slowly backed away from Gimli as he walked towards them.

Aragorn: What did you go and do this time Gimli?

Gimli: It wasn't my fault...

Evilgrinch: Yeah....right....we believe you.

Gimli: Seriously, I had nothing to do with this.

Aragorn: Well isn't it coincidence that you seem to be the only person who has walked out of this building alive. We are going to have to go to Sommerfield to buy food from now on...meanwhile, we noticed something dodgy down on Yateley School field.

Gimli: Such as?

Aragorn: I think you better see for yourself, you won't be pleased...Its not good...

Aragorn and Evilgrinch led Gimli to Yateley school field, where he was shocked and appalled to discover that his worst nightmare had come true.

Standing in the field, armed with various weaponry stood 1000 cloned Jan's, 1000 cloned Legolas', 1000 cloned Ron Weasley's and worst of all....1000 cloned Hayden Christensen's.
Gimli promptly wet himself, before bursting into noisy tears.

Evilgrinch: Shall I say it, or do one of you guys want to say it?

Aragorn: I'll say it....We're fu**ed.

The 4000 strong-army, turned to face the three terrified characters.

Gimli: I am confident we can take them.

Aragorn: Ditto....good luck.

Aragorn, Gimli and Evilgrinch charged towards the giant army...who inturn, charged towards Gimli et al.

You would think in this kind of situation that Gimli, Evilgrinch and Aragorn were as good as dead...but thats not true. Numbers aside, none of their adversaries had any talent at anything...apart from being extremely irritating.

As the two rivalling groups met, there was little competiton. Gimli's lightsabre sliced through dozens of Legolas like cheese-wire. Aragorn meanwhile was throughly enjoying hacking Jans and Ron Weasleys apart. The death count for the opposition was in the thousands in a matter of minutes...and after 1 hour, Evilgrinch destroyed the last Hayden Christensen with a kick to the groin.

Near the battles end, David Camp + other waitrose employees showed up Beorn style, and helped Gimli beat the living crap out of the last few Rons. Eventually, they stood atop a mountain of corpses, as with one last swing, Gimli took off the last Legolas' head.

Gimli sighed, and put his weapon away. They had made quite a mess of the school field, and it looked as if sports day was off this year.
As the surviving characters climbed their way down the mountain of bodies, carefully using ripped up pieces of Ron Weasley for footholds...Mr.Sarrell casually strolled by and stopped abruptly at the foot of the mountain.

Mr.Sarrell: What have you done to my field!!!

Gimli winked at Evilgrinch, it was time to dispose of another authority figure. Evilgrinch pulled his wand out, and used magic to turn Mr.Sarell into a duck.

Evilgrinch: Anybody want some pancakes?


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Subject: mwhahahha

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Date Posted: 19:00:31 02/10/03 Mon

I am seriously stuck now struggling to think of how to do my next Gimli post. I find it hard to think of how to top the last epic undertaking.

Is it possible to get any better then seeing such nationwide figures of hate being killed!!! Forget about Iraq, Mr.Bush, I suggest we declare war on Hayden Christensen's house.


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Subject: film rights

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Date Posted: 20:40:31 02/10/03 Mon

If anyone wants to buy the film rights for Gimli's extended adventures, then bidding starts at 10 Million, okay?

Any takers??

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Subject: eh?

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Date Posted: 20:44:14 02/10/03 Mon

What has mr sarrell being turned into a duck got to do with pancakes? am increidbly confused

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Subject: How about...

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Date Posted: 15:57:18 02/11/03 Tue

Dave, when are we gonna get:
  • Gimli joins Yateley School
  • Gimli uses the drinks machine
  • Gimli tries out for Barnum
  • Gimli leans to stilt walk

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Subject: duck and gimli

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Date Posted: 18:32:54 02/11/03 Tue

For Katys benefit....duck is often a filler in pancakes, and duck is good...though i would not eat a Mr.Sarrell duck.

Also, i kind of thought that line was funny, even if it didn't make sense :>

+ I like the idea of Gimli at Yateley School, think I will write it when I come back from Barnum later....which I sadly will be unable to enjoy due to extreme unparralled anger about oscars. I got so annoyed, I threw my Titanic video at my bedroom wall and broke the case.

stupid oscars


Ps- best of luck to everyone involved with barnum, i am curious to see how it is, considering lots of people have been working on it for months...so i hope it goes well for everyone involved, i will be in audience...praying it doens't suck!

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Subject: barnum and movies

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Date Posted: 22:39:48 02/11/03 Tue

Barnum was good. Mr.Jenkins has redeemed himself for only giving me a C for drama GCSE, and my amazing performance in the David Camp written and directed "President Swap", also starring Richard Fitzgerald and David Newman.
Speaking of David Newman, he finally signed on as the first official cast member in my film...yay! He has started work on his Irish accent for his supporting role. Also, tripod has been brought, and budget has been boosted to just over 2000....script to be finished early march!!!

Choreography in Barnum, very clever...and Mr.Romain's New York accent was nothing short of genius. Also liked costumes, evidently much money and effort has been spent on the whole thing, which I respect.

Good luck to everyone for the next 3 nights, don't mess up...I think it would push Mr.Jenkins over the edge, he was looking a little stressed.

Gimli posts coming ASAP :)


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Subject: Gimli vs the Oscars

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Date Posted: 23:07:17 02/11/03 Tue

Mr.Sarrell the duck quacked, and shook his glasses off. Gimli meanwhile was busy wiping the ginger blood stains from his shirt, that the Ron Weasley's had left behind.

The numerous Waitrose employees all wondered off back to the ruins that were Waitrose, as Evilgrinch, Gimli and Aragorn calmly strode away from the carnage, with Mr.Sarell the duck quacking nosisly, as Aragorn stuffed him head first into a bag.

Gimli: This may sound like a bit of a stupid question, but....what now?

Evilgrinch: Well, the police will probably be here soon. I suggest we take shelter somewhere, lets hide in A-block

Twenty minutes later, the trio were well-hidden inside the social-sciences office. Mr.Cope had wondered past at one point, but Evilgrinch promptly turned him into a duck as well....a fat duck that had joined Mr.Sarell in being stuffed into a bag.
They all sat in silence, as footsteps walked past the room. Was it the police? Was it the army? No...

It was Peter Jackson

Jackson: Oh, thank God...John, Viggo...I've found you...something terrible has happened!

Gimli: Who the hell are John and Viggo?

Jackson: It doesn't matter! Something terrible has happened! The Academy have screwed over me, Andy Serkis, Andrew Lesnie and even Howard Shore. We all deserved nominations, but....WE DIDN'T GET THEM!

Despite not knowing what the hell this shoeless kiwi was talking about, Gimli growled loudly.

Gimli: You mean...you didn't get nominations for director, supporting actor, cinematography and even....best score??

Jackson: I'm afraid not John. Also, rumour has it that Orlando Bloom has been murdered.

Aragorn, Evilgrinch and Gimli passed each other subtle glances.

Jackson: Will you join me in a bout of revenge?

Evilgrinch: Revenge is always good my bearded friend.

Jackson: Meet me in LA, next month.....

MARCH 23RD 2003

The 75th Academy Awards had just begun. Bruce Willis and Cameron Diaz were reading out the winner of Best-Supporting Actress, when a gunshot rang out across the theatre.

Peter Jackson ran in, spraying the celebrity crowd with bullets from his Ak-47. Ron Howard instantly had his head cut to pieces by the power of Jackson's weapon.

Jackson: Thats for stealing my award in 2002 you son of a bitch! The fonze was always better!!!

Ron Howard fell to the ground, finally he had been destroyed.

As Security guards ran towards Jackson, to subdue him...Gimli, Evilgrinch and Aragorn ran onto the stage, also packing some serious firearms.

In the crowd, Viggo Mortsensen turned to his friend John Rhys-Davies.

Viggo: Those lookalikes are pretty damn good John?

John: I've seen better...

Viggo: What like Pavarotti?

John: What did you say?

Viggo: Nothing!

Their conversation would have carried on longer, but Evilgrinch had begun shooting at the audience.


Julia Roberts died

Evilgrinch: DIE STALLONE!

Stallone screamed, then died

Evilgrinch: DIE PETER JACKSON!!.....oh...wait, crap

It was too late. Evilgrinch had already pressed the trigger. Jackson had directed his last film.

Aragorn: What did you go and do that for you idiot! We were supposed to be getting revenge FOR him, not against him.

Evilgrinch: My mistake, accidents happen!

Aragorn: What do you mean!!!! How the hell do accidents just "happen", you just killed Peter Jackson! You're going down!

Gimli: Aragorn NOOOOOOOO!

Aragorn opened fire, and blew Evilgrinch into oblivion.

Gimli fell, tears streaming from his eyes, then he turned to face the sky...



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Subject: Gimli

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Date Posted: 23:27:54 02/12/03 Wed

A picture of Gimli after his trip to the plastic surgeons.

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Subject: Gimli in gaol

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Date Posted: 15:17:23 02/14/03 Fri

Aragorn and Gimli sat in a cold prison cell, on their wooden matresses. After the events of the Academy Awards, the duo had been arrested, charged and convicted of multiple homicides and then sent to prison.
Fortunately though they had both escaped the death penalty, purely because no documents existed on Earth that could identify them. No birth certificate, no driving license...nothing.

So, now they sat...in an over populated prison, with a population of over 800, forced to share the same bed.

Most would consider this the end of their adventures...but not yet. Gimli, taking the initiative as always, had thought up an escape plan as soon as they had been arrested.

Mr.Sarrell the duck was comfortably nesting in Gimli's beard, and he would be able to help them escape. As a matter of fact, Sarell duck had become quite comfortable in Gimli's beard, setting up a nest of some sort down near the dwarfs left shoulder. He was beginning to enjoy life as a farmyard animal, until Aragorn pulled him out one day and started explaining his plan.

Aragorn: Okay, Mr.Sarell the duck, here is the deal. We are going to strap you to a remote-control car, and drive you into the prison armoury. You'll have 5 minutes to collect us as many weapons as possible, before we drive the car back to the cell and make our escape. If you do as we instruct, we'll organise to have you turned back into a human again.

Mr.Sarell the duck quacked loudly in response, and flipped his glasses back onto his beak.

Aragorn: Good, lets do it then.

Gimli handed Aragorn a large strip of masking tape. Aragorn sat Mr.Sarell the duck onto his remote-control car, and strapped him in with the tape. Gimli then handed Aragorn the controller.

Gimli: Good luck Mr.Sarell

Duck: Quack.

Aragorn pushed forward on his controller, and the car shot forward out of the cells iron bars, and down a corridor. Aragorn, using his memory as a map, drove the car towards the prison armoury. Prison guards just stood, confused at what the hell was going on.
As soon as he reached the armoury, Mr.Sarell lept off the car and began looking for weapons. All he could find was two lightsabres (yay!!!:>). He quickly grabbed them and then jumped back onto the car, as it sped away again back towards the cell.

Gimli and Aragorn were delighted as they saw the duck drive back towards the cell. But then...disaster struck. the car ran out of batteries, and Mr.Sarell and the weapons were a good 3 metres away, out of reach.
Guards came pouring from all entrances to the prison, pointing their pistols directly at the small animal who lay strapped to a remote control car with two lightsabres.


Duck: Quack?


Mr.Sarell the duck began to sweat, he looked desperately at Gimli and Aragorn, who stood gripping the bars of their cell...but they could not help him now.


All the guards opened fire, and blew Mr.Sarell the duck into a million pieces. Feathers filled the air, obscuring everyones view. Aragorn took this opportunity to act, using the force to pull the lightsabres away from the remote-control cars wreckage. They flew into his grasp, and he handed one to Gimli.

They both ignited, slicing open the iron bars, and leaping out to a torrent of gunfire. As always, Gimli was too quick though and cut apart most of the guards before they could even aim their weapons. When the room was empty, Gimli sighed, and turned to face Aragorn.

Aragorn had changed though, his beard started growing at an incredible rate and his hair changed colour.

Gimli: Aragorn!!! What is happening to you?

Aragorn's hair changed to white, his green lightsabre to red. Aragorn had turned into Saruman.

Gimli: Holy shit! I sure as hell didn't see that one coming? I thought you were dead!

Saruman: Mwhahahahha....never. Your powers are weak, Master Dwarf

Gimli: You can't win, Saruman. If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Saruman: When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master.

Gimli: Oh come on! You're not even making sense now, stop with the quoting and start with the fighting you crazy evil sonfofabitch. We'll see who's the master.

Gimli raised his lightsabre, and launched himself at Saruman. Saruman though was more then his match, and easily deflected Gimli's attacks. Gimli continued to fight, putting in more and more effort, but Saruman was getting tired of the entire charade.

Saruman: Time to die Master Dwarf.

Saruman swung his sabre, and cut throught Gimli. His prison uniform and lightsabre fell to the ground, but Gimli had disappeared.


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Subject: Arrr! nooo!

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Date Posted: 16:26:06 02/16/03 Sun

Oh no! crap....shit, I actually screwed up that last post really badly.

I got so overexcited whilst thinking about star wars, that i accidentaly ben kenobied Gimli.

Now he is dead...and i have to think up some way for him to return to life, very, very quickly!


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Subject: Gimli vs the afterlife

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Date Posted: 17:11:53 02/17/03 Mon

Of course, Gimli was not actually *dead*, in the definitive sense of the word. If he were then this forum would be screwed, and my life would lose all meaning.

When Saruman killed him, Gimli had become one with the force and had joined Yoda, Ben Kenobi, Mace Windu, Old-Anakin, Slimer from ghostbusters, Beetlejuice, The ghost from christmas past, Mr.Sarell the duck and the boogieman...all those famous ghosts from film and literature.

Being a ghost sucked bigtime though, and it really wasn't Gimli's style. So he decided it was time to return. So one day while sitting in Jedi Heaven with Yoda and friends, Gimli began to come up with his plan.

Gimli: The easiest way for us to return would be to posess the bodies of the living.

Yoda: Hmmm....fine plan that is Master Dwarf, yet a Jedi's body disapears when destroyed he is.

Gimli: Stop with the funny talk already.

Gimli grabbed a dustbuster, and sucked Yoda's ghost into it.

Gimli: That'll keep him quiet.

Obiwan: You could posess the body of John Rhys-Davies, who played you in Lord of the Rings? You may have killed him at the Academy Awards, but that was only a few days ago. I'm sure the body is still in a fairly good state....despite all the bullet wounds.

Gimli: Great idea Ben, you want to come with me?

Obiwan: I don't think so...I'd rather stay here.

Gimli: Okay...

Gimli left Kenobi to help Yoda climb out of the dustbuster, and wondered off to go posess the body of John Rhys-Davies.


Dozens of individuals, all wearing black, stood crying as John Rhys-Davies coffin was lowered slowly into a freshly dug grave. Everyone, including the priest holding the funeral, jumped back about a foot in horror though when suddenly the coffins lid burst open and the decaying body of Rhys-Davies staggered out.

Gimli: Mwhahahahaha...I'm back.

John Rhys-Davies wife screamed, and collapsed to the ground having a heart-attack as the body of her husband, climbed swiftly out of the ground.


The undertaker tossed the priest an uzi, and he opened fire on John Rhys-Davies body. Gimli was invincible though, and backflipped into the open grave, using the coffin as shelter from the priests aggressive attack.

Gimli: Why are they all over-reacting...I just need to find a good make-up artist and put on my costume, and I will be my old-self once again.

Gimli lept from the grave, and kicked the priest in the throat, catching the gun as the preist fell to the ground unconscious. He then opened fire, taking down most of John Rhys-Davies family and friends. There would be no survivors once he had finished.

In the end, the only person left was John Rhys-Davies wife, laying on the ground dying of a heart-attack.

Gimli: Sorry about the mess...


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Subject: Gimli vs Saruman

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Date Posted: 22:36:01 02/17/03 Mon

Gimli brushed the bits of rotted skankiness off his face, and marched proudly away from the cemetary. He appeared to be in a small town somewhere near Bristol, which despite its size should have had a much larger population then it did have.
As a matter of fact, the whole town was empty. The dwarf wondered slowly through the main street, looking around perplexed by the absence of civilisation.

Gimli: Where is everybody??

Obiwan: They are all dead.

Gimli looked to his side. Obi-wan's ghost was sitting on a wall, observing his actions.

Gimli: Ben! What is going on here, why is it so deserted???

Obiwan: When he destroyed you....Saruman proceeded to take over the world. He has rebuilt the death star....I, er, mean Waitrose.

Gimli: No!

Obiwan: Yes, he has re-built Waitrose, and has cloned a new army of Legolas to work there.

Gimli: A new army!!!

Obiwan: I am afraid so.

Gimli wiped the tears from his eyes, and began to walk away from Kenobi.

Obiwan: Where are you going?

Gimli: I must confront and destroy Saruman, Waitrose, and the new Legolas army.

Obiwan: You cannot do it alone Gimli, you will need help.

Gimli: Yes...and as always, I know who is still alive in the realm of science fiction and fantasy who may be able to help me.

Obiwan: Who?

Gimli: Well, its not strictly a person...but they may be able to help me.

Obiwan: WHO!!!

Gimli: Well...

Obiwan: Are you just trying to stretch out this conversation for as long as possible, because you can't actually think of anyone who can help you?

Gimli: Well, yeah.

Obiwan: Stupid son of a Gloin. I'm outta here.

Ben Kenobi's ghost vanished, leaving Gimli standing in the middle of nowhere alone.

Gimli: I guess its down to me then.


The Imperial March played constantly over the loud speakers. Hundreds of Legolas' constantly put new products on shelves. Hundreds more Legolas' worked, selling fish, meat, pie, cheese, pate, cake and iced bun.
Saruman walked contentedly amongst the aisles, pleased at his dramatic return to power. His lightsabre hung constantly from his belt. His staff may have been broken, but now Saruman was in posession of the ultimate jedi weapon....and only one man could stop him.

Saruman swiftly turned as an explosion blasted through the front of the supermarket, shattering the glass and sending the various Legolas' working on the tills, flying through the air, their hair all bloodied up and no longer blonde.

Gimli's motorcycle crashed through a portion of the wall, and came to an abrupt halt, next to the DVD's.

Gimli: Wouldn't want to damage them!

Gimli drove the motorbike past the service counters, firing his assult rifle as he drove, and turning many Legolas' into bloodied heaps on the floor. He then pulled his 8mm out of its holster, and pressed it against Saruman's head.

Saruman: Obi-wan has taught you well Master Dwarf.

Gimli: Obi-wan hasn't taught me nothing you evil intergalactic motherfu*ker. Gimli has taught himself!

Saruman: Well, good luck anyway.

Gimli: Good luck for what?

Saruman: Well, good luck for when you face me Master Dwarf.

Gimli: I'm not going to face you, this battle has already been won.

Saruman: I think not...a true warrior such as yourself would never kill me without a fight first. Its the honourable thing to do.

Gimli, inspired by Saruman's words, dropped his gun.

Saruman: Good, you are learning my young padawan.

Gimli: Stop with that padawan rubbish already! I hate that word, and I hate George for creating it.

Saruman took a step away from Gimli and drew his curved, red lightsabre.

Gimli: Now you're talking my language.

Gimli raised his green lightsabre, and moved forwards, in fighting stance.

Saruman: I see you have constructed a new lightsabre?

Gimli: I stole it off Yoda when I was on the otherside. I like the colour.

Saruman: Its a long story where mine came from, but sadly...you will never hear it.

Saruman used the force to send Gimli flying across the room and head first into the fish counter ice machine. Gimli yelled out for help, but he was stuck, and unable to do anything...even when Saruman came striding towards him, and sliced his hand clean off...which flew into the mincer.


Saruman: Obi-wan never told you who your father was Gimli.

Gimli: My father is Gloin...I already know that.

Saruman: No Gimli....I am your father!

Gimli: No...thats not true, thats impossible!

Saruman: Search your feelings Gimli...you know it to be true!


Saruman: Join me son! Together we will control the galaxy. I have the power to return you to Middle-Earth...we will rule the world! We will be just like Sauron and his son, Sauron Junior, were before they were killed, a happy father and son unit.


Saruman: Your mother....she is...

Jan entered the room.

Jan: Hi son!



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Subject: mwhahahaha

Evilgrinch forever
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Date Posted: 22:44:39 02/17/03 Mon

And you thought Tolkien had written an epic.

The world of Middle-Earth is insignificant and pathetic compared to Gimli's amazing adventures.


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Subject: Gimli and duck strike back

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Date Posted: 17:33:14 02/18/03 Tue

What was Gimli to do!!!

The most shocking revalation of the century had occured. His entire life had just changed. His mother was Jan...his father was Saruman....Gloin must have been an actor for hire, who was just pretending to be a blood-relative of his. Gimli wept openly, into the ice machine he was stuffed into. He lifted his hand to his face, in an attempt to wipe away his tears...but realised that his hand had been cut off, and found himself just smearing the crimson blood of a dwarf deep into his eyes.

Jan: Join us Son. We will be a family...I as your mother, Saruman here as your father. And also, your brother will join us too.

Gimli: Who is my brother?

Ron Weasley walked in.


Ron: Hi Gimli! Wanna go play some table-tennis, I have a table at home...you are welcome to share it!


Saruman: We know it will take time to adjust Gimli, but as a sign of our love...we want to let you have your hand back.

Saruman then used magic to make Gimli's hand fly back on.

Gimli: Er, Thanks.

Jan: Now will you join us Gimli?

Gimli: Well (pause) I have made my decision

Jan: And....


Gimli ignited his lightsabre, and with a swift stroke had removed Jan's head from her body. The swiftness of Gimli's attack had caused no blood to be spilled, and Jan's head just bounced away off along the floor. Saruman and Ron both screamed in anger, but Jan wasn't dead. Her head sprouted mini-legs (Woah...just like the Faculty) and ran back towards the ice-machine.

Gimli: Is she invincible or what!

Saruman: When are you going to learn that true evil can never be destroyed!


Jan's decapitated head flew towards Gimli and landed in his beard, disappearing amongst the gingery mess of hair

Gimli: Ouch, jesus...ARRRRRG, get out of there!

As Gimli struggled to remove Jan's head from his beard, a loud sound resounded through Waitrose. Jan jumped out briefly, and got a chance to look her killer in the face for a second before they blew her into oblivion.

Mr.Sarrell the Duck stood on the meat counter, wearing a bullet proof vest, an army-helmet and carrying a hand grenade.

Gimli: SARRELL DUCK! You're alive. Thank God....help!!!!!

The Duck quacked in appreciation, and pulled the pin out of the grenade, then threw it.

Gimli slammed the door of the ice-machine closed, and hid at the back under a mountain of icecubes. He heard the bang outside, followed by a loud quack of victory.
Gimli slowly opened the door and peaked out. The Fish counter was a burnt up wreck. The head of Jan and Ron Weasley's body laid nearby, both clearly dead....but where was Saruman???

Gimli: Good work Will. Where is Saruman?

Duck: I don't know Gimli

Gimli: HEY! You can speak!!!!

Duck: Yes...its a skill I have perfected in the last few weeks. Saruman is hiding somewhere in the shop. The only way to destroy him for good though is to destroy Waitrose once more.

Gimli: But how do we destroy Waitrose, duck?

Duck: With a bomb

The duck pulled open his body armour and quacked, revealing that he was strapped to a large amount of explosives.

Duck: I will blow up Waitrose from inside. You have 10 seconds to escape.

Gimli: But what about you???

Duck: I will die, then evidently return at a later point in this fan-fiction in some tacky way!

Gimli: Okay...Its been nice knowing you Mr.Sarrell the duck. Thanks for killing yourself!

Duck: Always a pleasure.

Gimli ran outside and hid behind a bin, as Mr.Sarrell exploded, sending Waitrose crashing to the ground and instantly killing Saruman and also the poor duck, who had quacked his last.
Gimli picked himself up and dusted his clothes off. It had been a strange day, but the young dwarf had got the job done. As he walked out of the car-park, Mr.Sarrell the ducks charred body landed at his feet. Gimli picked up the body, and put it into his pocket, then started planning what he would have for dinner.

Duck was high on the menu.


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Subject: Sarrell duck

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Date Posted: 16:17:45 02/19/03 Wed



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Subject: So...

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Date Posted: 20:22:16 02/19/03 Wed

Which one is he?

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Subject: duck

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Date Posted: 20:47:21 02/19/03 Wed

He is the one at the front.

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Subject: Gimli becomes 18 rated

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Date Posted: 17:24:49 02/20/03 Thu

Rain was beating down on Gimli's head. He was indoors now but his roof had a leak. He held the remote control in his hands, flipping throuth the channels rapidly. "I've gotta find The Late Late Show," he said to himself. "Yeah, I know," his schizophrenic otherhalf replied. "I heard that Legolas is one of the guests." "Really?" he asked himself. Gimli was still slightly out of breath and tired after a run to his house. He was surprised he survived. He had tripped four times over roots while dancing to the music in his head. And every time he realized that they weren't really roots, and he was just tripping over the bottom of his chain-mail which still had not been trimmed.

Gimli looked around the room. The furniture was ripped, stained, and faded, the roof was cracked in various places, the dishes in the kitchen were stacked to the ceiling, the tiles on the floor were misplaced, the walls needed a new paint job, and the plummming... God, there was no plumming. The land-lord took it away after Gimli missed two months of paying rent. He hated his house anyway. He thought about his fake father, Gloin, and his dying words: "I hate this fucking place!" Gimli had really been a slob after Galadriel left him for that damn Celeborn guy.
Gimli snickered. "If only her husband knew about my affair with her." It'd been going on -and off- for about two months. She'd broken it off three times because of Gimli's refusal to shave. His beard just kept growing, but she kept coming back...Gimli considered it his natural charm.

Gimli stopped on the ITV channel when an old King Kong movie caught his eye. He heard Mr.Sarrell the duck and Yoda talking in the other room. Gimli had taken the duck inside to try and nurse him back to health, but his condition was getting worse, though. He needed a doctor...one who can get rid of 90% full body burns. And Gimli need to control his beard. Suddenly, Master Yoda jumped over the couch and landed next to Gimli. Gimli jumped three feet and screamed like a little girl. Yoda shook his head. "Control, you must learn control." "Shut up," Gimli said. Then he realized that Yoda wasn't really there. Had it been a dream?

Maybe it was the alcohol, or the coffee. It didn't really matter. Gimli heard Sarrell duck ask about what he was watching on TV. "What they got in there? King Kong?" Gimli changed the channel to 4. It was Friends. "Oooohh," Gimli said, and started to watch. He had to leave briefly to find his whisky, but his eyes fell on something else. Something hideous. Something familiar. It bobbed its head lightly like a bird and snarled at Gimli.
It looked harmless, but the dwarf knew better. He stared in shock at the malignant creature. And it stared right back at him. It was a child. A messy haired, stinky, acne faced child. And snot was pouring down its putrid face. The monster squirmed and contorted its face. Then a loud sound roared out and Gimli could tell he would need to call in the carpet cleaners. Urine streamed down the child's legs and onto the floor. Gimli knew what came next. He screamed in terror and started to run, headed for the back door. But he wasn't fast enough. He felt a searing pain in his back and fell to the ground. He heard the sound of his own bones crunching. The creature turned Gimli over and grabbed his beard with its tiny fangs. With one swift stroke it ripped Gimli's beard off. Gimli hollered hysterically in agony as blood and gingery hair sprayed all over the room. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!" Gimli sat up on the couch, sweat pouring down his body. He looked all around him. No sign of the kid. It must have been a dream. "What a nightmare." Yoda came into the room and sat next to him on the sofa. "Bad dream, honey?" "Terrible. I dreamed that I got lost in our back yard and that my beard got ripped off and....it was terrible Yoda my friend." Yoda looked around the room. "Gimli, you really need to fix this place up or I'll stop being your friend "Okay, okay," he said. "I'll call a cleaner in tommorrow.' Yoda glared at him. "I'll call today," he said. Yoda handed him the phone. "You'll call now." He gave Gimli a cheesy smile. "I'll call now." "But before I do, how's Mr.Sarrell the duck?" Gimli asked, pretending to be worried. "I gave him some morphine. He'll be alright." Suddenly, the TV turned off. "Dammit," Yoda said. "The powers out again." "Phones are out, too Jurassic Park style.

Yoda sighed and put his fucking hands on his fucking head. Gimli put his hands on Yoda's lightsabre. "I can't get our computer back online without Mr.Sarrell the ducks help." "WHAT?!? I thought you said you paid the phone company three years ago?!" "Well, I haven't had a job in three years, you idiot! I'm out of the job!" "Don't you mean extinct," replied Mr.Sarrell the duck. Gimli and Yoda turned around to see the duck walk into the living room and fall into a reclining chair. He was naked, and all burnt up and crispy from where Waitrose got fried.

It had finally stopped raining and the TV came back on. Mr.Sarrell the duck looked outside. He saw a little boy next door poking a dead rabbit with a stick. But the rabbit wasn't dead, and bit the kids head off.
They all laughed for a moment, then Gimli looked at the duck quizzicaly... "Hey...weren't you dead?" Sun beams shined through the windows and the cracks in the ceiling. "Dammit," Gimli said. "It's morning. I missed the Late Show and The Late Late Show and The Really Late Show and The Even Later Show and The Extremely Late show and The So Late That It's Early Show." "That's okay," the duck said. "There's still RI:SE on channel 4." "NEVER SAY THE NAME OF THAT RUBBISHY PROGRAMME IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!!!!!!" Yoda cringed. "You are a godamn stupid bloody duck, who used to be a lacklustre and inferior headmaster at a comprehensive school, nobody gives a flying fuck about your opinion Mr.fucking duck!" Gimli and Mr.Sarrell stared at Yoda with blank expressions. There was a long fuckin' scientific silence.

Finally, Yoda broke the silence. "I'm gonna go make some fuckin' coffee." Gimli got the broom and swept up the broken pieces of silence. "I hate it when he does that. He's been so destructive lately. "I call it the rape of the natural world," Mr.Duck said plainly. "Whatever." Gimli switched the channel on the TV with the remote. RI:SE was on, and Legolas was being interviewed by Barry Norman. "What in the hell??? Hey, Gimli, you were wrong. Legolas was getting interviewed on RI:SE, not The Late Late Show or The Even Later Show or The-" "SHUT UP, DUCK!!!!! Let me watch this!"

Mr.Sarrell the duck was naked, so he, decided on this occasion to keep his dignity and remain completely silent, despite the fact that RI:SE sucked.
Yoda came back in with a tray holding 3 cups of coffee. He handed one to Gimli, who sat drooling over the television. "You sick son of a bitch!" Yoda screamed, as Gimli continued to watch Legolas interview. "I thought you were married to Galadriel and stuff, didn't know you were a Legolas lover!!!" Mr.Duck sat quietly, observing their actions from his sofa, and licking his burn wounds. "Wish I'd never set off that fucking explosion in Waitrose", he thought to himself.

Yoda exited the room again angrily, to fetch some sugar and milk, leaving Gimli and Duck together. They started playing basketball and bonding, when an idea came to Gimli. "We need to stop Yoda from using all these damn swear words, he was supposed to be dead anyway!" Mr.Sarrell the duck concurred, and in revenge they both removed their trousers and urinated in the 3 mugs of coffee. Gimli then proceeded to mix it all in so it looked normal, and they sat down again.
Yoda came back in with the milk, but was pissed off when nobody wanted any. "You can have ours Yoda, we already drank like 50 cups today." "Fifty-fucking cups, that is a helluva lot" Yoda replied.

Yoda drank all three cups of fucking coffee.

But in normal way, with less swearing and weirdness :)

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Subject: last post

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Date Posted: 19:19:37 02/20/03 Thu

In a crude way, its actually really kinda witty.

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Subject: gimli

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Date Posted: 17:35:04 02/28/03 Fri

Gimli going to Derby now for weekend.

Expect a dramatic return with new and interesting Gimli stories sometime mid-next week, now that my real-life screenplay is *very* near completion...can free up some spare time to write fanfiction.


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Subject: gimli

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Date Posted: 18:58:45 03/04/03 Tue

Probably will write a new Gimli post tomorrow, continuing with Yoda, Gimli and that duck, not now though.

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Subject: battle of the five armies

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Date Posted: 22:44:31 03/05/03 Wed


As Yoda finished his coffee, Mr.Sarrell the duck and Gimli sat laughing.
Suddenly, a strange portal opened up mysteriously in the ground and the trio found themselves being sucked into it. Seconds later, they flew out and slammed against a rock, crumpling to the ground. Gimli sat up, rubbing a wound on his head and brushing some beard out of his eyes.

He wasn't prepared for what he saw next though...a large army of Goblins and Wolves charging towards him carrying giant black and red banners, ready for war.
There was only one word left to describe the situation, and Gimli's feelings towards it...it was not a pleasant one.

Gimli: F**k.

Mr.Sarrell the duck and Yoda's both agreed with Gimli, also swearing loudly.

Gimli: What do we do now then?

Yoda drew his green lightsabre, a good choice of weaponry considering the seriously screwed situation they were in. Against this army though, Yoda was going to have to do A LOT of backflips in order to stay alive. At least 25.

The group were momentarily saved from possible death when the duck quacked in appreciation, as several hundred Elves, Men and Dwarves ran up to join them in the fight.
Gloin was amongst the army of dwarves, and pushed past the others, approaching Gimli.

Gloin: Son! What the hell are you doing here!

Gimli: Dad, this isn't really the time!

Gimli 'slipped' and axed Gloin in the head, causing his fathers bearded upper-half to amusingly bounce off down the side of the mountain. Bombur in particular found it funny, as he never really liked Gloin. Fili laughed so hard he urinated on Kili, much to the latter dwarfs annoyance.
No amount of hilarious deaths though would stop the iminent war.

Both sides charged down the mountain, and so the battle begun.
Yoda was in his prime, as always, lightsabering away having more fun then he had in years. Gimli stuck to his axe, occasionly taking down the odd Goblin.
Mr.Sarrell the duck was most pleased when Gandalf pointed his staff at one point and turned him into Mr.Sarrell the Bear. Beorn never showed up at the battle, it was Mr.Sarrell all along who eventually crushed Bolg the Goblin to death.

Gimli fought like a true dwarf, killing both bad guys and good guys. At one point he even accidentaly stabbed Thorin through the chest, but briefly apologised before running off to kill some more Goblins.
His turning point came though when he saw Gandalf fighting.

Gimli: I thought I killed that idiot in my second ever post. I flame-grilled him?

Gimli hit Bilbo on the head with a brick and stole the ring, placing it on his finger and turning into Invisible Gimli. He crept up behind Gandalf and swiped with his axe, failing to decapitate the wizard but succeeding in taking a large bloody chunk out of his arm.

Gandalf: ARRRRRRR...this explains the sling on my arm at the end of the battle.

Gimli: You know Gandalf, these fanfictions have gone really downhill. I have run out of ideas, until I think up some...consider me a dead man. I'm off to the desert.

Gimli jumped on a horse and rode into the distance.

TO BE CONTINUED....eventually?

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Subject: GIMLI RETURNS....my final attempted at redemption

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Date Posted: 19:12:11 05/01/03 Thu


(note- if any photos dont come out, then they will work eventually)

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Subject: Gimli Comic

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Date Posted: 19:25:32 05/04/03 Sun

To be continued....

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Subject: Gimli the Cartoon

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Date Posted: 20:16:54 05/07/03 Wed



It gets better as it goes along, and I intend to add some sort of logical storyline soon!

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Date Posted: 15:26:38 09/29/03 Mon


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