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Date Posted: Tuesday, August 02, 03:19:12pm
Author: sk
Subject: past the closing date, but here it is
In reply to: EllenM 's message, "THE LFN 100 Plus Challenge # 44" on Sunday, June 26, 03:01:47pm

Soon, soon everything would be great. Soon she wouldn't have to pretend, wouldn't have to hide what she really wanted to do.

Soon what she was and what she was supposed to be would be the same thing.

Karen had known forever that she wanted to hurt things. With her foot, with a rake, with a bottle, with a gun -- she wanted to make people stop, make them do what she wanted them to and then shut them up. At the beginning it must have been something about attention but that was too long ago to remember. All she knew now was that if someone else hurt it made her feel better, and killing them was the best feeling of all.

But just like she knew she wanted to kill, she knew she had to hide it. All the excuses that people made for her at the beginning -- "Karen needs to feel more secure, she needs to feel valued, she needs to know that we love her" -- they weren't right at all. Because she didn't need to feel secure, she didn't need to know that someone loved her. She just needed to make things stop, and all the psycho-explanations in the world weren't going to give her permission to do that. So when her grandmother found the box with the rabbits, and looked at her that way, Karen knew what came next. She had to shut her up, just like the rabbits, just like the dog, just like the baby next door. And so she shut her up and hid her like she hid them all until there wasn't enough room to keep them, and the judge sent her to prison. "Until you are dead" she said, and Karen had to laugh at that now -- she was dead alright, and it was the best thing that had ever happened to her.

When she first woke up in Section she thought she already knew how to kill, but she had no idea. All the tools and tricks, all the different possibilities -- some days training made her dizzy. There was so much to learn, and it seemed like the more you learned, the more there was. It was heaven.

But it wouldn't do to get too good, too fast. Even in Section, Karen could tell there were people watching her, people like her grandmother who would give her that look if they really knew what she was thinking. There were still things to hide, at least until she finished training. Then she'd be on her own, and it would be different. Then they'd want her for what she really was. Then she would be herself.

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