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Date Posted: 11:22:24 03/16/03 Sun
Author: Rodney Evan Bohen
Subject: The Footrace of Shame

An Excerpt from my recently released book entitled "Letters To Carla: Chasing my Heart"
Enjoy the journey....

6/29/2001

The Footrace of Shame

My Dear Carla,

Well, here I now stand, head down, like a boy who has been asked to go stand in a corner for talking out of turn in class, head down, shoulders slumped, he slowly walks to the front corner of the classroom, as classmates snicker as he finds his place in the world, finally he arrives, only to be told to move closer! Almost now kissing the corner indeed, he hears the snickers from behind him as he turns to cast an ugly look to repel them, only to be barked at loudly by the teacher, saying 'turn around Rodney'! Only to then have heaped a double portion of shame upon him!

He stands there and ponders the lesson to be learned, he finds only instantly instilled shame to be no civilized lesson at all! Most in his place would be saying, 'just wait till I arrive home to tell my parents! Boy shall they be furious with the teacher, and phone her and scold her'! It was not so with me at seven, I knew only too well, when arriving home, with the note pinned to my shirt explaining my conduct according to my teacher's view, that my already paralyzed heart due to the shame, would then be shaken violently within me as I was whipped, as I would be indeed, never offered a chance to speak in my defense! I was wrong! So stated the paper attached to my shirt, it told the tale, there was no need for me to speak! I was quiet all day due to the shame I felt dripping from my being, how indeed does one ever wash from such an ordeal? And does it not follow one into the next day as well?

I walked home slowly that day, finding no need to hurry, might as well pay for two crimes if I am going to be beat for one, I lacked the typical boyish wonderment on that day's journey, that generally prompted me to pick a favorite rock, one pleasing to my eye, and just the right shape, then kick it repeatedly all the way home. I administered a couple of lackluster kicks, with no heartfelt enthusiasm, quickly realizing, shame wears off slowly, whether earned or not. I hated my teacher in my heart that day for the shame she painted on the inside walls of my little innocent heart, though I knew even then in time, that it conflicted with the notion that I was to hate no one! However I thought, after all, she certainly hated me, or she would not have done such a thing!

I knew I shouldn't have talked out of turn, I knew I was supposed to raise my hand first. I just didn't seem to be able to control it sometimes, the words would just run out, as if having a mind of their own, then suddenly, oh, oh, I knew I was in trouble! I pondered, more than all other things that day at seven years old, how one washes the shame away! So as not to parade it back to the schoolyard the next day, inviting more ridicule and laughter than would be their waiting for me already, standing tall as a giant! I stopped at the freeway overpass, and lingered for a moment, and yes spit upon a few cars passing, far beneath me, due justice, and recompense I felt, readily deserved! I thought if I were to hurl myself into the deep valley beneath, busied with the flow of traffic, that would surely show them all! But I adored life so much! Such a thought rendered no permanent solution to a boy full of 'piss and vinegar' as my Father used to say!

I held all the colors of the rainbow in the palm of my tiny little hands that day, and point in time, insofar as my childlike zest and love for life went! But people seemed to muddy the mix terribly, they seemed so mean always, I viewed myself on the other hand quite charitable and sincere of heart.

I remember vividly, each day the whole combined two classes, would race to the top border of the schoolyard, turn around and run back! I was the second fastest of all perhaps seventy students in all, I was quite proud of this fact and feat, as I remain so still today, being one of my more outstanding accomplishments in life I hold still close to my heart in order to instill worth and such things even now. But often I recall indeed, as we ran and turned, I would look behind me to see, one young boy, afflicted in his legs, crippled somewhat as we merely made reference to it back then, he would always struggle harder than all, with anguish and pain written all over his face, to do well and excel, to no avail, for last place was always his. I often adopted a way of changing and altering that brutal fact somewhat, and hopefully altering his dwarfed image of himself that was similar to mine, after making the turn at the top of the playground, showing and displaying my speed to all, I would then merely slow down to almost a walk, in order to let my poor classmate catch up! I never let him win, for to do so would have been to obvious, but we would run side by side now seeing all the other students lined up at the finish line now laughing at us, as we crawled somewhat in time and space it seemed. I would say such things as these to console him, running is not everything, not important at all in the whole scope of things, though deep in my heart at six or seven I knew it represented his highest dreams and aspirations, to run as the wind.

I would explain my slowness, as he would urge me to fly as the wind as he knew that I could, by saying, 'I was a little tired', or 'why try to beat them all when I know that I can'! Or I just wanted to visit some old friend, yes I now recall, his name was Benny! He was shabbily attired as well as crippled adding more ridicule to his bed of shame he was daily laid in, in the schoolyard of horror, and meanness. I did not always pursue this custom, for that would have been too obvious to Benny, I merely executed this action every third or fourth day! The achievement of tying for first or being second, in this daily race, took second place indeed to my heart, that ached for Benny, as he struggled harder than all, just to merely always finish last!

What a heart of courage he must have contained in his young tiny body so racked physically, to try day after day, with all you posses to try harder than all others, knowing deep in your heart, it shall change nor alter nothing! For merely last place seems to be your designated spot, as well as your lot in life. I often wondered what drove him, aside from the hideous ridicule of other's; it mystified me then as it does to this day still. Benny went on in years to paint himself in mischief, and to surround himself with tough guys in order to buffer some of the ridicule and pain, in later years always, when passing in the hallways of Junior High School, and then High School; we would exchange nods, as was the custom for tough guys then, and he always smiled just a touch in remembrance, as did I. Benny disappeared off the scene, prematurely as did I, I hope however is journey was altered, but I fear it was not, as mine was neither, we both walked in similar shoes, seeking to merely know how to wash the shame inflicted by others in order to be rendered clean once again, escaping the laughter of mean hearts indeed.

I shall always remember those footraces indeed however! For they all finished first! But we my dear finished friends!

Bonded in Love,
Rodney
www.rodneybohen.com

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