| Subject: MIND DILEMMA ALERT |
Author:
kyla
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Date Posted: 18:28:42 08/03/01 Fri
yeah, okay, Cassie, here it is. i realized today just where my mind is stuck in the dilemma place that i have been crowing about not being in. it's one of those fish/water things (the fish does not know what water is because it LIVES in the water...) Plain as the nose on my face.
(And there may indeed be other dilemmas that I'm just not noticing yet...)
this one is the i can't make real money dilemma. EITHER i am in integrity and doing what feels right to me AND therefore broke, OR i am using my not inconsiderable talents to make enough money to actually afford to do what i want to do AND i am compromising my integrity.
Now, you all need to know from the get-go that i have really worked this thing. i mean, i have self-scoured, i have done programs, affirmations, read books, tried any number of times to just force myself to accept something (and proceeded to make myself sick every time); i have contemplated and tried to look at financially successful folks i admire for clues; i have followed my bliss and not followed my bliss in every combination i could dredge up the inspiration for, all to no avail. And at this point, i am just tired. it feels like the Rot, i just can't make myself do anything about this anymore. And i can even trace this GS to my father and his difficult relationship with making money versus the creatively fulfilled life. All to no avail.
Once, in the first WDW i attended, i brought this up and Saniel said that some people are just so sensitive to the core wound that this kind of thing happens, and the hope he held out to me was that as I matured in the work, and became a teacher, people would begin to see it was in their interest to reward me for my service. that was a very beautiful thing for him to say, but, you know what? the teachers aren't making any money to speak of either! i kind of think saniel would have a different response now. (but I don't know.)
Another friend recently suggested i should get a sugar-daddy. Jokingly. and even that would not work. i am too temperamental and stuborn to pull anything like that off.
Cassie, when i read your lovely list of all the kinds of possibilities that can open up in a freed mind, i recognized all of them as angles on this particular dilemma that i have invited, and that have failed.
And really, i have to say, it feels like it is more than my mind that is stuck in this one. my mind does two things here. it dutifully attempts to enter into any other version of this situation that is posed to it, and it shuts down at the critical juncture and goes back to the dilemma. i don't think the mind is shutting itself down, i think something deeper is going on to block it at that point.
so, let me ask the forum at large: any suggestions?
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