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Date Posted: 04:57:33 05/01/03 Thu
Author: Kilus
Author Host/IP: dialup-169.193.220.203.acc01-lord-gla.comindico.com.au / 203.220.193.169
Subject: How to build your own computer

It is increasingly popular to build your own computer these days. It saves money, makes the computer faster and saves people from having to deal with the pimply-faced geek at Harvey Normans. Now many people that don’t know much about computers fear building one in case they break it or can’t install it properly. Those people needn’t worry, the CPU can be hit repeatedly with a sledge hammer and still work as new, and by following this high quality guide you are guaranteed to install everything better than those money grubbers at Harvey Normans.

Before you start

First you need to secure some tools to help you build your computer. These tools are a hammer, some nails, some glue, a drill, a blowtorch and some butter. You’ll also need a large desk to work on, the kitchen table is a suitable place and don’t worry about cleaning the table, last nights Dinner leftovers will not damage any of the delicate circuitry of the computer.

1. The Case

The case is the first thing you should prepare. When you receive the computer case you probably see that some screws hold on the lid. These screws are there because of an inefficient business decision by Bill Gates and will some you down when building your computer. Use the hammer to slam to lid upward until it become separated from the rest of the case and if any screws pop out throw them in the bin.

Inside the case you should find Power Lead. Imminently plug the cord into the back of the computer and to the power supply and turn it on.

Floating around in the box you should see some rubber feet or plastic feet. Nail them into the middle part of the bottom of the case. The glue they come with isn’t very strong and they’ll probably fall of.

2. Installing the components

If you have follow the instructions well you should see nails pointing through at the bottom of the case. These double as securing the plastic feet of the case and them hold the motherboard in place. Forcefully slam the motherboard into the nails. Connect any wires from the motherboard into the case so it receives some electricity. Don’t worry about being electrocuted, as this is sophisticated electronics we are working with.

A recent email I receive from Paul Allen suggest you should Put a nail threw the bottom of the motherboard so it can hold in the next component the CPU.

If did what the email in the paragraph suggested then it is the simple task of drilling a black in the middle of the big black thing on the CPU and stick the nail threw it. Now you might have things called the Heat sink and Heat fan that claim to cool down the CPU. These are outdated techno junk that isn’t need anymore, and they now serve a better purpose as a doorstop or a paperweight. Now with the Heat sink and fan out the way you can make some homemade thermal paste that will do a far better job at cooling down the CPU.

To make thermal paste pour 13 ml of red nitric acid into a beaker then add 39 ml of fuming Sulferic acid. Don’t worry about these substance being called acids, as they have the same acid strength as coca cola. Look directly into the beaker, removing any glasses you may have on and shake the beaker around. If you see any bubbles these means the solution in the beaker is ready. Add some toothpaste to the beaker and mix with around with your finger. Then liberally add the paste to the CPU.

Now the hard part is over and the other components just sit on top of the CPU.

Now I’m sure you’ve hear on the TV about these new computer virus like the love bug and Gonorrhea. To safeguard against these virus mash up some Paracetamol in some cough medicine and pour it over all your computer components in the case. Some water may be needed to help the medicine to reach the bottom components like the motherboard and CPU. Make sure the computer is on while this is going on and you are pushing the medicine and water around with your finger or it won’t be vaccinated.

3. Installing the disk drives

You should have 3 disk drives, a:\ drive, c:\ drive and d:\ drive. To install these you need to remove the disk bays. Use a blowtorch or something to cut around the disk bay, as they are really hard to get out. Then put 30 grams of butter and 50 ml of milk into a bowl and microwave for 30 seconds to form some glue. Add your recently constructed glue all around drive a:\ as this allows the drive to slide in fast and when the glue hardens it will stick there. Connect the drive you with the power and repeat what you did with drive a;\ with drive c:\ and drive d:\.

4. Putting in the Monitor keyboard and mouse

Firstly give your monitor a few good whacks as this will clear up 95% of any problems the monitor might have. Put the monitor in so that the bottom of the monitor is about 6 inches above eye level and tilted to the left, as this maximises the amount you can see. Connect the monitor’s power cord up to power point mark monitor in your case and the other cord to anywhere it fits. Next is the keyboard, which often gets food stuck in-between, the keys. To add a safe guard against this put the keyboard in a bucket of cordial. Finally you have your mouse to install, which just in case you didn’t know isn’t a real live mouse, it died a long time ago. Firstly take the mouse ball out of the mouse and roll it in some flour. This will give your mouse ball better grip. Put the mouse ball back in to mouse and connect to the case.

Finishing Touches

Buy windows 3.1 put the CD in the CD place and when in DOS type in A:\setup. Speed thought the installation by pushing next and whatever’s closest to the next button if the next button can’t be pressed, as all these options don’t change anything important.

Painting your case black with random pink lines will increase the speed of the computer as the black paint acts as a mini solar cell and the pink paint acts as a semi-conductor giving your computer extra energy.

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