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Date Posted: 22:40:09 03/20/03 Thu
Author: silver
Author Host/IP: cache-dm07.proxy.aol.com / 205.188.209.75
Subject: heh
In reply to: Liz 's message, "Re: hm." on 22:08:14 03/18/03 Tue

i'm not too broken up about it. i wasn't really expecting them to want to read it (like with trek, and many other genres, btvs and ats are sort of an "in crowd" kind of thing, i think), so the rejection letter itself was kind of a kick. ah well.

and yeah, i'm looking forward to the apartment. except - of course - after having signed the lease and everything, the transmission just went out in my car. my parents are being great and putting it on their credit card (as i can't pay it myself, right now, since i have to pay first and last month's rent on april first [ $1,202.00]), but now I'll be owing them $1,800. *sigh* i feel like al pacino. i keep trying to get out, but they just keep pulling me back in (crappy life and debt, not my parents).

this - again, of course - happened like, a week or two after i'd decided to give life a go for awhile longer, anyway. sort of a cosmic bitchslap to remind me of why i can barely stand it here. so i don't know...i'm going to bide a little time. move into my apartment. pay off these new fucking bills, and see how things go. don't worry...it's not something that i'm going to do rashly, if at all. and i don't really need to like, find a new perspective, or find a meaning or anything. i came to the realization that there just *isn't* any meaning. there's no point, life is cruel and difficult more often than not, there's nothing after this, and no one will miss us after we're gone. so if you take all of that away, you really just have to ask yourself how much you enjoy life.

i...*sort* of enjoy it. i like to read, and i love my cats, and ...well, that's about as far as i got. pretty shitty, actually, but it's what i've got for now. which is why i'm just going to see how things go for awhile.

anyhoo. now that i've fed the fires in the engine of the pity train, i'm going to prance away home and go to sleep. night all!

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