VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 09:56:53 04/18/03 Fri
Author: HonorH
Subject: LW Post: Wondering

Disclaimer: All belongs to Joss. All hail Joss.

Note 1: This is part of the Lyric Wheel Challenge. Thanks to the person who sent me lyrics, even though I’ve forgotten your name.

Note 2: This story takes place shortly after “Lies My Parents Told Me”.


Wondering
By
HonorH


He found her sitting on the back porch, just where he suspected she’d be. Xander had always been able to sense just when Buffy needed to withdraw from those around her.

He also knew just when he shouldn’t let her.

This was definitely one of those times. Though no one had told him exactly what had gone down in the past day or so, one thing was obvious: Buffy was absolutely fuming at Giles, and Spike wasn’t far behind her. Xander had the feeling it had something to do with Spike’s “just been thrashed” look. He sincerely hoped it all didn’t mean what he thought it meant.

“Catching a little evil night air?” Xander asked.

“Just needed a little time alone,” she said, her voice very quiet.

“Good. I’ll join you.” Xander sat down beside her, and though Buffy gave him a sharp look, she didn’t say anything. “So, do you want to talk about the big ol’ Alaskan glacier between you and Giles, or is this one of those things you think you’ve got to deal with on your own?”

Buffy’s mouth tightened. “Let’s just say he taught me a lesson I won’t be forgetting real soon and leave it at that, okay?”

“Got it. If you don’t wanna say anything at all, I’m happy wondering.”

That earned him another sharp look, but again, Buffy didn’t say anything or try to get him to leave. Her eyes returned to the stars. After a few moments, she spoke again, in quite a different tone.

“Xander . . . thanks for spending time with Dawn. I know you have been,” she added in response to the look he gave her. “I’m not completely disconnected, just mostly. You’ve been taking a lot of extra time with her, and I appreciate it. A lot. I wish I . . .” She trailed off.

“Dawnie understands,” Xander said gently. “She gets it, that she’s got to share you right now. She knows you still love her.”

A bitter look crossed Buffy’s face. “Yeah,” she said. “I love her, but right now, I’ve got a war to fight. That’s the way it is, isn’t it? I’ve got to be General Buffy and make all the sacrifices that are necessary. I’ve got to decide what should be sacrificed.”

“Buffy, you’re doing--”

“Nothing. I’m doing nothing. Running around putting out the First’s fires, all the time knowing there’s a volcano set to blow. How do I prepare for that? How do I prepare these girls for that? How do I even know if what I can do, what we all can do, will make any difference at all?” Buffy swallowed hard. “And I’m it, you know. Those Shadow-men told me that I’m the Hellmouth’s last guardian. Last line of defense. If I can’t do this . . . that’s it. It’s all over. And I don’t know if I can.”

She turned to face him fully. “I need you to do something for me, Xander.”

“Anything. Name it,” he promised.

“Get out of here.”

He stared at her, uncomprehending. “What?”

“Get out of here,” she repeated. “Take Anya and Dawn, and get as far away from here as you can. You shouldn’t have to go through what the rest of us will before this is over. This isn’t your fight.”

“Of course it is--”

“I can’t protect you!” Buffy burst out. “Spike, Willow, Robin, Giles—they can all protect themselves. The Potentials can’t run, because this fight will find them. But you three, you’ve got a chance. You can get away, and that’s exactly what I want you to do. Run as far and as fast as you can, and don’t look back.”

Xander didn’t know what to say. For seven years, he’d watched her. She had faced impossible odds before, of course. She faced impossible odds every time she left the house, it seemed. Each time, she’d come back, stronger than before. It was more than just her physical strength, though—it was the way she affected everyone around her.

He also realized why he wasn’t offended by the fact that she was urging him to run away. She was trying to push him away because somewhere ingrained in her psyche was the thought that being around her led to them being hurt. And Xander knew what he needed to say. What she needed to know.

“Buffy,” he began slowly, weighing each word, “I don’t know who I’d be without you.” She looked at him, startled. “It’s the truth. When you first met me, I was well on my way to becoming a full-time loser. But you let me into your life—into your fight—and all of a sudden, I was doing things that were pretty much impossible. I was in love with you for a little while, and then I figured it out.”

“Figured what out?” she asked faintly.

“That the reason I was in love with you was because you made me love me. I grew up in a family that told me I was worthless because I was one of them, and they were all worthless. You showed me I was worth something. I could help save the world. If there’s one thing you’ve taught me, it’s that I don’t know what I can do until I actually do it. So no, I don’t know if I can do anything to help, but I’m not running. Whatever I’ve got, whatever I am, it’s all on your side.”

Buffy’s eyes were glistening. “But Anya and Dawn--”

“Dawn won’t leave you, and there’s no use making me try to take her away. And Anya? If she wanted to leave, she’d be long gone—believe me, I know the woman better than you do. But she’s not, because she knows there’s no sense in it. The First isn’t talking a little localized disturbance; it’s talking the end of the world. No way to run from that. If I’m going to go out, it’s here with the people I love. It’s doing whatever I can to save the world.” He shook his head to emphasize his point. “I’m not running. You taught me better than that.”

Buffy sat still and quiet for a long time, her expression unreadable. Finally, she spoke.

“You were never going to be a loser, Xander. Whatever I may have helped you find—it was there all along. In fact . . .” She looked down briefly. “I think you’re the bravest of us all.”

She leaned over and kissed his stubble-rough cheek. Then she stood and walked back inside the house.


Wondering by Good Charlotte

Chorus: If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't wanna say
anything at all
I'm happy wondering.

Since I was a young man
I never was a fun man.
I never had a plan and no security.
Then ever since I met you
I never could forget you
I only wanna get you right here next to me.

Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody that I found just in time.
Now my life is changing, it's always rearranging
it's always getting stranger than I thought it ever could.
Ever since I found you I wanna be around you
I wanna get down to the point that I need you.

Cause everybody needs someone that they can trust and...
You're somebody that I found just in time.
If you want me to wait
I would wait for you.
If you tell me to stay
I would stay right through
If you don't want to say
anything at all
I'm happy wondering.

Don't tell me the bad news.
Don't tell me anything at all.
Just tell me that you need me
and stay right here with me.

If you want me to wait
I would wait for you
If you want me to stay
I would stay right through.
If you don't want to say
anything at all
I'm happy wondering.


(from "The Young and the Hopeless")

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]
[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-8
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.