A few suggestions... -- Turbo Journey

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Date Posted: 22:03:38 02/11/03 Tue
Author: Star S.
Subject: A few suggestions...
In reply to: Menkin 's message, "I did say I was a poet...so now, it's confirmed, you know it." on 21:10:12 02/11/03 Tue

Hmm... Looking at the second stanza, there are a few things...

[]=Original work

[My thoughts go to her, my reason for life,
Protected her even with blood on my knife.]

This is a bit awkward... Reading it out loud helps with this sort of thing. The second line of this stanza is missing the "I", which makes the flow kind of tricky.

[Now I can�t save her that is my fate
I can�t believe it, I was the bait.]

First things first: change the "can't"s to "cannot". If you do it in both lines, it doesn't throw off the rhythm. Also, you need to insert a comma in the third line, making the third and fourth lines of the second stanza look as so:

Now I cannot save her, that is my fate,
I cannot believe it, I was the bait.

[It just goes to show how stupid I am
I should never of been her guardian.]

Same here, insert a comma in this, the fifth line, and change "of" to "have" in the sixth line. I don't quite like the way the rhyme plays out in these two lines, but, *shrugs* to each their own.

It just goes to show, how stupid I am,
I should never have been her guardian.

I don't have the time to repeat this process with other stanzas, but I would advise un-contracting the contractions and re-thinking some of the wording to make uneven rhyming sections flow a bit more smoothly. All in all, a good first draft. Keep polishing and working on it, and this could go places.

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Replies:

>;-)Thanks, I know there was problems with it...but I didn't care. It took about 3 hours to pull from mind to comp and I was tired with my vision getting fuzzy. I'll fix that...hopefully it'll turn out better for Janus. (NT) -- Menkin, 22:24:18 02/11/03 Tue
- *shrugs* I know how hard it is to get words down on paper/digital medium. Anyway, they're just suggestions, take them if you like them, ignore them if you don't. (NT) -- Star S., 22:39:43 02/11/03 Tue
  - B-)Yes, danke...much obliged. (NT) -- Menkin, 23:09:03 02/11/03 Tue