| Subject: Axis of Evil Wannabees |
Author:
John Cleese
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Date Posted: 19:13:13 04/21/03 Mon
"Axis of Evil Wannabees" by John Cleese
Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis
of Evil", Libya, China and Syria today announced that
they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil", which they
said would be more evil than that stupid
Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in
his State of the Union address.
Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed
the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb
name. "Right. They are just as evil.... in their
dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il.
"Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being
evil ... we're the best."
Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over
being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if
they could join the Axis of Evil. "They Told us it was
full," said Syrian President Bashir al-Assad. "An axis
can't have more than three countries", explained
Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule,
it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany,
Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only
have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wickedly
cool."
International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil
declaration was swift, as within minutes, France
surrendered. Elsewhere, peer-conscious
nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has
become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and
Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of
Somewhat Evil", forcing Somalia to join with
Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil",
while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the
"Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally
Disagreeable".
With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the
desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador,
and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries
That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to
Host the Olympics". Canada, Mexico and Australia
formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite
Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About
America", while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain
established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to
Wear Lipstick". "That's not a threat, really, just
something we like to do", said Scottish Executive
First Minister Jack McConnell.
While wondering if the other nations of the world
weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush
granted approval for most axes, although he rejected
the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose
Names End in 'Guay'", accusing one of its members of
filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay,
Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges. Israel,
meanwhile,insisted it didn't want to join any Axis,
but privately world leaders said that's only because
no one asked them.
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