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Date Posted: 06:53:21 11/08/10 Mon
Author: debi
Subject: A little bit of the new ending for Rayne's story
Remember when I was torn between giving her the happy ending with Garoben and making it sad and all tragic like this whole story has tried to be? Well, here's some of the new ending, Rayne's at home at her childhood farm, hugely pregnant, surrounded by friends and family, but no Garoben.
Come this way...
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In here, please... -- Debi, 07:00:15 11/08/10 Mon
Excerpt from untitled work, copyright 2010, all rigths reserved. Posted for sharing, does not constitute publication.
The village had grown a bit larger and changed over the years, but Rayne had no trouble recognizing it. The path through the woods to Marcan House showed signs of recent activity, from the carpenters and masons Arduval had sent, Rayne supposed.
They emerged from the trees and drew up to the house. Rayne jumped out of the coach almost before it stopped rolling, Morag scrambling after her to slow her down, Keresh dismounting his black stallion to do the same.
Rayne felt unhindered by her big belly for the first time in weeks. She stood in the yard, turning slowly to take in everything around her.
The barns, buildings and house were all in perfect repair; Arduval’s craftsmen had done an excellent job. A smaller house stood by a newly constructed forge built for Kaelian. The horses already ranged through the paddocks by the barn and the near pasture held several brightly colored caravans, Antonia’s bright blue one closest to the house. The snow piled high along the corners of the buildings but the yard and walk to the house was swept clean. Rayne paused taking it all in with a twinge of sadness.
“I never thought I’d see this place again, let alone come home to it.” She blinked back the tears the gathered. “I just wish Garoben had been able to see it.”
Morag squeezed her shoulder with one hand. “He can, I think. You know he’ll always be watching.”
Rayne nodded, trying to swallow the lump in her throat.
The door to the kitchen opened and Antonia came out.
“Don’t stand there in the snow, silly girl, come inside. It’s cold out here.”
Antonia sent the coachman to tend his horses and rest in one of the outbuildings. Some of the Traveler men were waiting to help him, but Rayne didn’t get to see much before her grandmother bundled them inside. Morag closed the door behind them then bent down and kissed the old woman fondly on the cheek. Antonia patted her cheek and waved them on.
“Go on; explore. I know you want to.”
Rayne couldn’t believe it. The entire house was outfitted for living, there were only little things for her to do to make it her own. The big kitchen was stocked with staples and utensils, the fire blazed in the hearth and in the fireplace in the main room. She went from room to room, going upstairs first to see her old room. It jutted off the back of the house, overlooking the woods and fields. But now it was outfitted for a small child. Rayne went to the room next to it, that had been Angus and Fiona’s room, the biggest bedroom in the house. It was fresh and clean, with a large bed and windows that looked out over the yard and barns. A cradle, still smelling of fresh-cut pine stood alongside the bed. Rayne smiled, willing the all too easy tears not to come.
“They’ve done it to me again, gone and made everything ready.” She gave a little huff. “Now what am I supposed to
do until the baby comes?”
Keresh chuckled. “Wait.”
“You’re not helping.”
Kaelian arrived in the afternoon as promised and installed himself in the little house newly built at the edge, meaning to take up his old profession of smith. He would not want for business. It seemed the village smith had given up his place and run off to Crowsport to be an armorer instead. The horses in the area had been without decent shoes for some time.
Exhausted by the long day and excitement, Rayne excused herself from the table just after supper. Keresh and the others watched her go up the stairs.
After he retired that evening, he awoke. Lying quiet, he listened trying to figure out what had roused him. He rolled out of bed and drew on a pair of breeches. There.
He could hear a sound from the hallway. He stood outside his door, waiting. The sound came from Rayne’s room. As he reached the door, he heard a step behind him and turned. Morag’s pale hair glowed in the darkness. He pushed open Rayne’s bedroom door and heard a muffled sob, disguised as a cough.
“Rayne?”
The sound was stifled quickly; he could hear her stirring in the bed. “What? I’m okay.”
Morag slid past him and sat at the edge of the bed. “No you’re not.”
Another muted sob coughed out and he joined them.
Morag gathered Rayne in her arms. “You’ll get better, but hiding it won’t help.”
Keresh wrapped his arms around the pair, felt Rayne shaking under one arm. He kissed her hair, feeling the old ache of loss deep in his bones. Morag was right; it did get better. But the pain never went away, not completely. You learned to live with it, got used to the gaping rent in your life, that was all. Rayne hadn’t learned to do that yet.
The hiccoughing sobs slowed, taking less time to subside than previous episodes. Even in the darkness, he could see
Rayne’s face as she lifted her head from Morag’s shoulder.
Eyes puffy and tear-stained, she drew an unfettered breath.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. I wasn’t supposed to be alone.”
“I know.” Keresh sighed, his hand trailing down her back. “I never thought I’d be anything but alone, until Tarlia. After she was gone I realized how alone I really was, even more than before.”
Rayne nodded. “I left my family, Fox left me. I figured I’d be alone. And then this beautiful man comes along and suddenly I’m not whole without him.”
Morag breathed a quiet sound of agreement. “Aarondel was that for me. He’s been gone for many generations but I still feel the spot he used to fill.” Her hand rose to lay across her heart.
“Great. That means I have centuries of heartache to look forward to.”
Morag uttered a tiny chuckle. “Perhaps. But you also have the love of friends to anticipate. And,” he hand fell light on Rayne’s taut abdomen, “you have the love of a child, a piece of Garoben still in this world. And, you well know that he’s waiting for you.”
That coaxed a smile from Rayne and she nodded, sighing. As she sank back into her bed, she patted the mattress, looking up at them.
“Please don’t go.”
Keresh nodded, lifting the coverlet for Morag to get in front of Rayne, then he went around, sliding under the covers and draping his arm over both of them.
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not a lot to crit here, just a few thoughts. -- Lady Morilka, 08:38:13 11/10/10 Wed
As I said I dont have a lot of time for a full crit, but two things bothered me her.
1st: here it took me way to long to get who awoke. it is from Rayne to someone else without saying a name. First I thought you missed the "s" for "she". That sentence in itself needs a revise anyway I think, cos it doesn`t say when he awoke or any other information to place the scene.
" "Exhausted by the long day and excitement, Rayne excused herself from the table just after supper. Keresh and the others watched her go up the stairs.
After he retired that evening, he awoke. Lying quiet, he listened trying to figure out what had roused him. He rolled out of bed and drew on a pair of breeches. "
2nd: I think for a loss that great and the time it takes to get into serios sobbing (and that beeing noticed) Rayne quits down a bit fast in the end. But that may be just me.
Other than that I really like the sentiment of the scene.I especially like the snow and the freshness AND calm and quiet it suggests to the whole setting. A new start is prommised ;)
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Thank you Lady M -- Debi, 13:02:05 11/11/10 Thu
Lots of good ideas. There has been a lot of mourning and such so far, this is something like six months after Garoben died. Sorry, I should have included that in the set-up. But her emotions are running the gamut with her sorrow, returning to her childhood home, being pregnant and without Garoben, so yes, maybe it should be a little more pronounced. And I totally missed the chance to identify the POV. I'll be fixing that.
Thanks for the ideas and pointing out the goofs!
Debi
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