Date Posted:10:15:28 11/24/10 Wed Author: Lady Morilka Subject: Re: A little something from Chapter 2...>>> In reply to:
Page2
's message, "A little something from Chapter 2...>>>" on 22:09:58 11/15/10 Mon
I like this scene, and the abrupt change in pace when James knockes himself out. I don't know what the first chapter ist about and how much it explains, but I have the feeling that you put too much into serens train of thoughts here. I had a hard time getting what he is is and how he came to be there. Maybe that is explained before, but if not, it is a bit too much here IMHO. You don't nessesarily have to put all the information in in the first introduction, maybe if you leave out a bit more (like james past that has been hinted before) it may become easier to grasp. You can still add the information later in the book.
James s described very well especially by his actions. He is a messed up rock'n roller with a troubled past on a high flight with a dooming deep fall. With Seren I am missing that clarity a bit.
But as I said, I could be totally off since I don't know the first chapter.
What came out very good is the relationship between the two and the entanglement they are in. I'm waiting to read more, this sounds like a story with quite a few layers that will be interesting so really get into.
I like the idea of a being actually being a person's conscience. I won't rehash the excellent things Fi pointed out, but I would like to reiterate one point about clarity of language.
You're going to have to walk a careful road when writing conversations between Seren and James, especially since they share a body! You've already done the most important part- giving them distinct voices. James and Seren speak with unique speech patterns. This will be your greatest asset when writing dialog between them.
When in doubt, use their proper names instead of pronouns. As Fi pointed out, it's important to be very clear when differentiating between the two characters, especially during an important plot reveal like the one above. If you find yourself using names too often, try restructuring your sentences to be clearer.
You've done a bang-up job of it in this section, however, and I'm looking forward to reading more!
