Date Posted:15:08:50 11/29/10 Mon Author: Debi Subject: $%^&*&^#W#$#$ forum.... In reply to:
Larn
's message, "Stuff here!" on 14:22:52 11/26/10 Fri
This place sucks for eating replies. And I'm just too damned sorry to repeat the whole review that shoud be posted here now (POS bastard forum...)
The gist of my reply is that I enjoyed the piece. Maybe it just needs some polish and some going over, a little embellishment ehre and there. I find it very unfair of Margie to have made Mike marry Janet, and basically condemn him to an unhappy life. It's not saving anyone's feelings or reputation, but I totally see Margie doing it, to 'do the right thing'. I like how Emma calls him 'Michael' twice toward the end, like she's already trying to distance herself from him. His admission of love it sweet and touching and totally not what she wanted to hear right that minute. Emma was spoiling for a fight and he didn't give it to her. Good man. Caroline out playing mountain lion/bear fodder as a toddler is an excellent reason to cut Janet off, but again, I know Mike is wanting to keep his position on the ranch, but it's so unfair for him to remain married to the owner's slutty daughter. Obviously Margie thinks the ranch is better off with him than her own flesh and blood, maybe that's what pissed the old girl off. ;-)
Come back and play again soon!
Debi
Well I have good and bad news. I got laid off from my job. Kind of a bummer before the holidays, but hey, on the plus side, I have time now. Time to catch up on my TBR list, dust off my own writing, visit internet haunts and *gasp* actually be able to participate! *s*
So with that in mind, lately I've been reading like a fiend. A friend recommended Barry Eisler's stories with his protag John Rain. The thing that really struck me through the series is how believable his male characters are. Dialog, emotional outlook, reactions, etc. His female characters are pretty good too, albeit a little more fantasy in spots (i.e. always receptive to sex, despite a tragedy just occurring (family member dying, etc.)).
I literally put BE's story down and read your scene and was immediately struck by Mike's unbelievableness (if that's a word) and how two dimensional he seemed. I kept shaking my head, thinking, why would he confess his love? He feels intensely vulnerable here. Why didn't he clam up? Get defensive? Or angry? Regardless of right or wrong in the situation, while under attack, he's going to either hunker down and weather the storm, or he'll go on the offensive. The last thing he'd do is open his defenses and let the attacker rip his heart out.
That's the first thing that struck me, the second is E's anger dialog is too wordy. Especially when she's yelling.
>>>"NOT ONE FUCKING WORD UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE!"
That's a lot of breath, and she's undermining her position by giving him ultimatums. Painting herself into a corner. TELL ME IT'S NOT TRUE! has more impact. Direct. To the point. And she doesn't lose face if he tries to explain himself.
I love Mike's sorrowful eyes. Really adds impact to his silent answer. Instinctively he knows their relationship could be over though, so his dumbfounded expression doesn't jibe. The shit's hitting the fan here. Would he revert to damage control mode like in a crisis at the ranch? Maybe he'd use the dumbfounded expression after his silent affirmation? Would certainly carry more bite if E (and the reader) realized he assumed she knew he was married and hooked up anyway. (Nothing like adding a little insult to injury. *s*) It's also an excellent tactic to try and put her off balance. (Or put himself on equal footing, anyway.) IMHO, the reader needs to 'see' more of Mike, especially the dull paper grind he's doing, to better understand and sympathize with his position and accept why he made the choices he did. So as a scene overall E come through loud and clear, but Mike isn't as vivid. Maybe to tap into his side of the equation, try mapping out the scene from his perspective?
As always the intent of my crit is to be helpful, not to slice and dice. I hope I haven't caused offense by offering my feedback. ~Alex
