Date Posted:10:13:58 12/03/10 Fri Author: Fi Subject: Don't want to work on Margie's farm no more... In reply to:
Larn
's message, "Stuff here!" on 14:22:52 11/26/10 Fri
Please bear in mind that I have v little context, just what you've given here + the love scene from a while back.
Over impression: it starts off well, plenty of righteous anger. E&M talking across each other, like people tend to do when they're arguing.
Then the story about Mike's background on the ranch - which I liked overall, but the speech about his marriage hit a few wrong notes. What kind of guy talks about how his ex came on to him, when he's in an argument with his current squeeze? A guy who's making excuses, or wants to make his current gf feel bad?
Then his declaration of love - which again seemed verbose for someone in a knock-down argument. Fewer words would get the point across just as well and sound more natural. Like maybe he just says “Nobody else has been worth the risk” and "It's awful because I love you!" and that's it before she storms out.
Lines I liked:
>Hot damn, how this ranch liked paperwork.
>“I never thought I’d speak ill of the dead, but he did a shitty job.”
>He looked so pitiful, a tiny part of me wanted to give him a hug. The majority of me told that small part to shut the fuck up.
Typos:
>the closet thing I’d ever had to happy.
the closest thing I’d ever had to happy?
