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Date Posted: 08:24:15 05/11/10 Tue
Author: Fi
Subject: Never underestimate the auld oak tree>>>
In reply to:
Paige2
's message, "Re: My Prologue" on 21:44:09 05/09/10 Sun
>Hi Paige2,
You have an intriguing opening. Shame, guilt, dishonor...
Great imagery, with the oak tree almost like another character; I love the way it trips up Arianwen and its branches seem to speak to her. The robe and the tatooing ... a wonderful introduction to a society where symbols and rituals mean a lot.
>>> a panicked shudder
I'd just say "a shudder"; "panicked" seems a bit overwritten.
>>>The young girl
"Young girl" makes me picture someone about 5 years old. Either "girl" or "young woman" would be better.
The part after the *** confused me a little at first. I think it was the switches in time. Flashbacks can be great but they need to be handled with care. Arianwen remembers happy times with the boys in the old willow tree, then back in time to the old crone, then back further to Arianwen's lineage and infancy, then forward to the present, then back into the past as Arianwen looks into the reflection pool. I was able to keep up, but just about.
I LOVE the idea of the reflection pool. However, I don't think you use it to its full potential. There's a lot of information and it's "told" rather than "shown". There's a temptation, especially in fantasy and historical fiction, to give the reader a lot of backstory at the beginning because this is stuff they should know :) I'm writing a historical, so I know the feeling. But it's often best to withhold some of this backstory until later in the story, when the reader has invested emotionally in the characters.
My suggestions (and you don't have to use any of this, it's your story and you know it best):
- Remove the bit about the old crone and Arianwen's lineage. Better to keep the focus on Arianwen and the boys for now. You can bring it in later in the story.
- Start the reflection with her meeting the boys for the first time.
- Move the description of the intiation ceremony so it is part of the vision in the reflection pool (BTW, I love the silver blade and inking scene!) That way the reflection "flows": from meeting the boys, to the initiation, to the happy times, and finally the vision of battle.
- Consider leaving out the part where Tarrant and Arianwen make love. I think the story of their becoming lovers would have more impact later, when we've gotten to know them.
>Taking a step back
>towards the basin she reached for the torch. Before
>her hands could grasp it, the pool came to life once
>more. The ripples were larger, angrier; the basin
>water rolled back and forth sloshing outside and then
>began to bubble and boil. Arianwen peered into the
>waters and watched as two gleaming swords appeared in
>the waves of rolling waters.
Just wanted to mention that I loved this scene. When you "show" the action, it's obvious that you have talent!
Happy writing :)
Fi
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Re: My Prologue -- Promise, 11:25:19 05/11/10 Tue
I put brackets [ ] around words/phrases that I suggest you omit or, in the case of punctuation, marks that should be removed or replaced (if the latter, with the correction following).
Shame, guilt; she carried both. It was her fault, if
anyone learned of her dishonor…a [panicked] shudder came over Arianwen as she continued her brisk pace through
the forest. To leave was her only option. It was
imperative that she pass the clover field and ley
lines before the sun came [up] over the horizon. Sulien and Tarrant would be furious if she were to be found
out here. They’d have her head if they knew of her plans. A shiver of fear rippled through her body.
With a tug she gripped her cloak tighter to her breast
and hurried [herself]. As she circumvented their
energy circle her nerves jangled with worry. [To] ---replace with "Should she"--- step
within it, they would know she was out here; they
would wonder why and come. The plan had to work;
there was just no other way. An errant tree root made
her stumble and she fell to her knees on the ground.
Her long robe caught on a jut of an uprooted tree
branch, as she undid it she noticed it was torn. Just
like her, she thought as she held the frayed cloth in
her hands. ---I like this description, of her and her garment both being frayed---
It was her circle robe, [the] forest green, [one] ---This sentence reads awkwardly with the phrasing "the forest green one", it reads better, IMO, as "forest green, with..." Note: are they meant to be Druids? If so, historically, the robes of the Druids were all white. Although, this being your fantasy world, you can make the robes any color you want.--- with the
embroidered runic symbols on it for protection,
guidance and wisdom. There were also a sun and moon,
a hawk, flowers and a tree, [all elements to represent
her] ---consider instead "her personal talismans"---. Sulien and Tarrant had similar robes, but in
different colors and symbols. Except for [one;] the unity circle. She had sewn the continuous,
interlocking circles around the edges of all three of
their robes. It was their elemental bind to each
other. Did they not have it inked around their wrists
when they were very small?
Green eyes sparkled in remembrance of the initiation.
They had each spoken their vows; a promise extracted
and bound by each other’s blood, drawn from the
silver, jeweled blade of the powerful wizard Myrrdin.
That vow and promise would forever bind them together.
The inking ceremony had been painful, ---add comma here--- but when it was
>finished [,] she had felt unique. The magical energetic
>power that ran through the dark ink around their
>wrists and into the moon and star placed in their
>palms connected each of them. No longer alone, she
>was now one of the chosen three. Arianwen rubbed her
>inked wrists together[,]: she could feel Sulien's and
>Tarrant’s strong vibrations; their flowing energy to
>each other so neatly entwined. A smile tugged at her
>lips, ---add comma--- then she breathed a heavy sigh. This was not
>supposed to be her fate[;]: to run and hide.
>
>Arianwen stood up and placed her hands on the trunk of
>the auld, gnarled oak tree and looked up at the
>branches high above then whispered[.], “Please...watch
>over them for me.” With tentative steps she began to
>walk away. Once again she stumbled over a wayward
>root. With a look upwards to its branches she faced
>the large oak. “Ah my lovely, do you not wish to see
>me go? Do you not think this a good idea?” Tree
>branches from high above swayed to and fro, whispering
>their answer to her in the soft wind. Arianwen looked
>down at the ground for a moment as an overwhelming
>sadness filled her. A lump wedged itself in her
>throat as she looked up at the auld tree. “I don’t
>want to…but…’tis the only way I know.” The young
>girl held back threatening tears and placed a hand on
>the trunk. “Goodbye my auld friend.”
>
>To look back at the mighty oak as she walked away
>would be her undoing. With tears in her eyes she ran
>until she reached the hillcrest, ---add comma--- then stopped for a
>moment, looking one last time at the castle. Its
>outline was shadowed by the thin sliver of light that
>was beginning to make its appearance in the blanket of
>purple-black sky.---This sentence is in passive voice. Not absolutley neccessary to change to active, just pointing it out in case you want to do so.--- Lit torches glowed bright from the
>turrets and along the castle walls. Happiness was
>there, with them, but it wouldn’t be for long if she
>stayed. A heavy sadness enveloped her and, ---add comma--- with a
>dejected sigh, ---add comma--- she turned away from her home, ---add comma--- leaving
>behind the two men she loved and ---add a word: "had" --- vowed to stay with
>forever.
>
>***
>
>The walk through the woods was long.Show that it's a long walk, don't tell us that it is. It was as if
>every tree had come alive by pushing up their roots,
>faltering her every step. As she passed by their
>ritual circle she paused. Beltane was coming…would
>Sulien remember to light the fires? Would Tarrant
>start the dance? Early morning light shadows began
>their slow dance through the dark forest. The sun
>would be up soon, she thought, ---add comma--- glancing eastward.
>Walking faster now, she pressed onward towards the
>fields of clover---suggested rephrasing "and the few belongings she'd hidden in anticipation of her flight." [This was where she had hidden some
>belongings and her flight into the unknown would
>begin.]---Afterall, she's already begun her flight, that's what we've been reading thus far. Sulien and Tarrant would be [upset]---Suggest a strong word here.--- when they
>found she had gone. They would search for her, ---add comma--- but
>she knew how to mentally block them with her energy[;]:
>she was a master at that. Winding her way over the
>mountains, ---add comma--- she would become as one of the many.
>
>Isn’t that what they had longed for? To live, wander
>and see, to have no responsibilities? The three of
>them would sit in the old willow tree, high up[on] in the
>boughs and look out over the lands. The view showed
>them numerous mountains and valleys; they couldn’t
>help but sometimes ponder what their life would be had
>they not been chosen. Tarrant with his duties as
>Lord and future King, Sulien the powerful wizard and
>confidante and she, Arianwen; well, she knew she had
>too many duties. She was wherever help was needed.
>Though mostly she healed, foretold the coming, and
>worked the earth. Her knowledge, magical abilities
>and energy carried her far. So many people wanted or
>needed her for something and, ---add comma--- as always, ---add comma--- she gave[,]. [t]This
>was her lot. She played her part, as did Sulien and
>Tarrant. Being chosen meant carrying the torch[;]. [i]It
>also carried a price, but a price they willingly gave
>so the line would be preserved.
>
>As she walked Arianwen remembered the day Myrrdin
>himself came to Maam, the old [C]crone, to get her. She
>remembered standing in the groves with Maam waiting
>for his arrival. For weeks she had known he was
>coming, she had told Maam about him and why he was
>coming. Awakening that day she knew Myrrdin was
>coming. Upon his arrival, she stood at age three and
>told him to bring her to her soul brothers. Another
>child might have been frightened to be taken from
>their home by this tall, strange looking man but
>Arianwen knew her place was with them. The boys had
>been foretold to her. Tarrant whose hair was as
>bright as the sun and eyes as blue as the water and
>sky, and Sulien whose hair was as dark as the night
>sky and eyes that were gray as the clouds that ran
>through them. ---This paragraph needs reworked. As it is written it reads awkwardly and a little confusing.---
>
>The crone had invited Myrrdin into her hut and
>Arianwen overheard her telling Myrrdin that she was
>‘the one’. She had the sight, as well as other
>abilities that he would have to help her hone. The
>crone had told him that she named the young girl after
>the goddess Arianrhod of the silver moon and that
>above all things Arianwen was part of the Caer Sidi.
>Maam then told him of her lineage, explaining to
>Myrrdin that Arianwen’s father had died during the
>winter leaving the pregnant mother alone and that it
>was she, the crone, who had brought the child into the
>world seconds after her mother had died after a long
>labor. Arianwen’s deceased parents had bloodlines
>mixed with the Sidhe. The child had been born on the
>longest night of the year, under the stars, on a night
>of a rare double moon. Ever impatient, Arianwen had
>interrupted them and asked to go. Myrrdin and the
>crone had laughed at her impertinence but they had
>soon left and along with it, Arianwen’s carefree life.
> Does this backstory have to come here? It really slows down the pace. Suggest placing elsewhere and reworking to make shorter.
>
>Arianwen reached the reflection pool and sighed. She
>loved Sulien and Tarrant dearly and would lay down her
>life for either of them. Had that also not been part
>of her vow? Placing the torch she carried in the
>wooden stand above the large, dark granite,
>water-filled basin, she stood in front of it and
>peered at the sitting water that had been fed from the
>underground spring. Arianwen stared into the black
>still water[;], watching colors from the lit torch play upon its inky surface. After a moment, movement in
>the water began[;]: slight tremors at first, then ripples,
>spreading in and out from the center of the basin.
>Past scenes of her life began to form in the water[;]: ---Move the above flashback here?---
>her meeting Sulien and Tarrant for the first time, her
>running down from Myrrdin to protect Sulien from harm.---?????
>
>
>The black water rippled faster. The scene in the
>basin shifted to their initiation, the three of them
>robed in a circle reciting their vows. Arianwen
>smiled at the memory. The inky blackness rolled to
>and fro in the bowl shifting the scene again, only now
>the memory glimpses --awkward phrasing--- were coming faster, one atop the
>other[,]: the three of them in the tree, blocking games
>in the woods, laughing at jokes told by the firelight,
>running in circles while holding hands in the ocean
>water, moon festivals, dancing and fires. The scenes
>were cascading and overlapping each other fast, and
>always they were of the three of them[,]. [e]Except for the
>last one. [It was of her and Tarrant together in the
>woods making love for the first time, becoming one.] ---If this scene is so powerful, maybe it should be described in more detail? Something like "A young couple entwined under the trees and the stars, shedding their innocence together. And then Arianwen was there, in that moment again, with Tarrant's lips on hers, his hands on her body and her hands on his, becoming one. Trembling as the memories washed over her, blinding her senses, she closed her eyes and turned away from the basin, sinking to the ground. Even with the spell broken, she was left breathless and anguished, tears running down her cheeks." ---
>[That last image overwhelmed her senses and she broke
>her gaze away from the basin. Arianwen stepped back
>catching her breath and tried hard to fight back the
>tears that threatened to spill.] ---Just a suggestion. Of course I'm not saying to use my words. Just giving an example. ;0)
>
>“Why?” Arianwen yelled into the fast approaching early
>morning sky. “Why torment me mother[.]? There is no
>other way[,]!” [she whispered as she looked down at the
>ground.] ---The power of the emotions her seem to fit with her continuing to scream in frustration.--- To stay would be misery for her and cause
>[such]discord. ---Among whom?--- [s]She had to leave. She would not bring
>that upon the house of her Lord ---Who's this?---. Taking a step back
>towards the basin, ---add comma--- she reached for the torch. Before
>her hands could grasp it, the pool came to life once
>more. The ripples were larger, angrier[;}. [t]The basin
>water rolled back and forth, ---add comma--- slosh[ing]ed outside and then
>began to bubble and boil. Arianwen peered into the
>waters and watched as two gleaming swords appeared in
>the waves of rolling---Just used rolled, suggest replacing rolling w/ "roiling" waters. The swords clashed
>together and the early morning sun behind them caught
>the silver and it glinted---Awkward phrasing, suggest instead "the early morning sun glinted off the silver blades"[;]. [that]The,/b> ray beamed out of the
>water and into Arianwen eyes,b>, blinding her [momentarily.]
> When her vision returned, [she saw] Tarrant appeared, his
>face stern, battle-like. [Another image followed, it
>was] Sulien's face followed, his grays eyes now dark and stormy and
>filled with angry power[,]. [t]They stood together on in the
>clearing, both holding their gleaming swords ready to
>fight.
>
>A battle? Danger perhaps, she thought. What was this
>vision? Change was coming[,]; of that she was sure. She
>passed her hand through the water, clearing the now
>fading vision of Tarrant and Sulien. “Mother,”
>Arianwen asked as she looked up into the gray sky.
>“What is this vision? How soon?” Closing her eyes
>she raised her hands upwards, clasping them to the
>morning sky.---She's able to touch the sky? How long are her arms? Maybe instead "open"?--- With her head tilted back it was then
>that she felt the wind blow, softly at first then
>madly. ---This sentence feels disjointed.--- The breeze picked up her robe, ---add comma--- billowing it
>around her[,]; [then it] lifted her long auburn tresses
>blowing, [it]them around her face in a wild manner.---Instead of saying "in a wild manner" perhaps replace blowing with "whipping" and then ending the sentence after face?--- Arianwen
>stood still[;]: her eyes closed, arms held high, wrists
>touching and with palms faced upwards, she listened.
>
>Softly upon the four winds she heard the voice of her
>goddess, [it was] beckoning her to hurry. "Hurry where[,]?"
>she thought, ---add comma--- as she opened her eyes? She heard it
>then[,]---replace comma with a dash---rushing water. Slowly she turned around to face
>the basin[;]: the once darkened water had turned blood
>red and was surging over the sides[.], [The spring fed it
>and it continued to] ---That it is spring fed was mentioned earlier, redundant here.--- streaming heavily towards her. With
>a quick step backward she watched the red water flow.
>Gale winds came from no where and it whipped her hair, ---But just above the wind is already whipping her hair and clothes. Did the wind die down and start up again? Did it become stronger?---
the flame from the torch caused a bush to catch flame,---replace with something more descriptive, such as "The dancing torch flames leapt onto a outstretched branch and ran like molten gold along the limbs until the entire bush blazed."
>and the dirt beneath her feet was carried up and into
>the maelstrom of the wind. Through the elemental
>chaos Arianwen heard the voices of the ancient ones
>summoning her to hurry.
>
>The danger was now[;]. Sulien and Tarrant were in
>trouble. She watched as the wind picked up the dirt
>and made intertwined circles that ran through the
>woods. Following the circles, ---repetative---she ran[; she], ran as
>though her life depended on it. " ---add quotation marks---It did," ---add quotation marks--- she thought.
> " ---add quotation marks---If anything happens to them. No…I can’t let that
>[thought] fear creep into my mind[,]." [she thought.] Pushed by
>the winds, she ran following the dirt circles until [it]they
>led her to the clearing, where itThe dirt circles...then "they"...the wind? then say the wind. suddenly stopped
>just as it had appeared.
>
>She held her breath as she saw then watched ---???that is really confusing---Tarrant
>walking away, his sword at his side. Arianwen
>breathed a quick thank you to the goddess, ---add comma--- but before
>she could take a step towards him, Sulien appeared[.],
>[H]his sword raised high. [and b]Before she could scream for
>Tarrant to turn around, ---add comma--- Sulien’s blade crashed down
>upon Tarrant’s back, ripping him open. Time appeared
>to stand still but it sped up ---confusing, maybe instead of telling this, show it, and it will be more clear.---and when her mind fully
>registered what her eyes saw, Arianwen screamed. She
>screamed loud and long as the wind picked up her voice
>and carried it along with the auld one’s ---one's or ones'? how many are there? cries.
Final Notes:
1 - You use the semicolon a LOT. I think you perhaps rely on it too much (I am a fellow semicolon abuser). However, there are some cases where it is not the correct or best punctuation to use. I have tried to correct all of these, but I may have missed some. I suggest you review the rules for semicolon usage. They are tricky little beasties! ;0)
2 - You don't utilize the comma as it should be. I have endeavored to replace it every where it is required, but I may have missed some. I suggest you review the rules for comma usage. They are also tricky things! :0)
3 - I have broken some of your sentences that were adjoined by semicolons into two shorter sentences. Shorter sentences actually heighten and drive the drama. In many cases, the last word before the semicolon needed more emphasis. By breaking the sentence into two, this word would then be before a period, naturally providing that emphasis.
4 - I've inserted some commentary and some suggested rephrasing. In a few places, I've given extended suggestions as examples.
5 - Overall, a very interesting and compelling beginning. I look forward to reading more!
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Re: My Prologue -- Paige2, 19:43:46 05/11/10 Tue
TY Promise. Yes I will admit it. My name is Stephanie and I am a semicolon addict. LOL However, since my stint in rehab...I am mending my ways. If you notice, I rarely used them in the paragraphs above the *** because those first few paragraphs I recently edited. Everything after well...(hangs head low) it's my shame - I was an addict, a semicolon junkie, I couldn't stop myself. It was just too easy. Now the missing colon's...well, I'd rather not have enough than have to many. I met a dear friend (Page) in rehab, she's a colon junkie. LOL
TY so much for reading. Your comments (and Fi's) are right on the money. You picked out the area's that I knew I needed to work on when I go into the editing trenches. Which, by the way, will be soon, I have 3 chapters left and then Remembrance will be done.
You and Fi definitely reaffirmed (in my mind) what I needed to fix. My appreciation and a BIG thanks for cutting some of the editing process of this down. TY TY!
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Re: My Prologue -- Paige2, 19:57:26 05/11/10 Tue
Oops. Wanted to make mention to Promise and forgot. Ari is not a druid, she is primarily a green witch. Hence her personal talisman's on the green robe being earth items. Arianwen, Sulien and Tarrant as a triumverate are powerful storm witches.
However, I do have a character that is a druid (from the past) in this story. The follow-up book is about him and characters from this story will be weaved in here and there. So when this story is done and the queries are out I shall be doing more research on Druids.
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Re: My Prologue -- Promise, 20:06:50 05/12/10 Wed
Before I got into the idea for my own work, which resulted in my new "obsession" with ancient Germans, I was really and truly obessed with Celts and Druids, starting when I was 15--so for more than 1/2 of my life. :0) Anyway, my understanding is that the pagan traditions and herblore practices that came to be seen as "witchcraft" in the middle ages were remnents of Druidic practices. So it all folds together. I don't know about you, but I get a certain satisfaction when things do that. Yes, I really and truly am a dork. :0)
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Re: My Prologue -- Paige2, 23:03:32 05/12/10 Wed
Anyway, my understanding is that the pagan
>traditions and herblore practices that came to be seen
>as "witchcraft" in the middle ages were remnents of
>Druidic practices. So it all folds together. I don't
>know about you, but I get a certain satisfaction when
>things do that. Yes, I really and truly am a dork. :0)
------
I agree. Most remnants of practices and traditions now, can be traced back to then. I find it very interesting indeed. I too glean that same satisfaction. Can I be part of that dork club - LOL! :-)
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Punctuation rehab! Now there's an idea whose time has come! LOL! Of course, after I took out 5,287 commas, an English teacher looked it over and told me to put all of them back in again. So I did, and if an editor doesn't like 'em, he/she can tell me to take 'em out. *G* -- 
Page, 15:58:26 05/12/10 Wed
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Thank You Fi - :-) -- Paige2, 20:01:24 05/18/10 Tue
Fi,
I'm sorry...looking over the responses I realized I never thanked you properly for your time and comments. THANK YOU!!!
You made some great comments and definitely affirmed, in my mind, what I had wanted to change around. I do believe I am going to strike out the part of them making love. THe impact of that will come later - not truly necessary in the prologue. :-)
Thank you again.
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