Date Posted:13:36:48 05/13/10 Thu Author: Alex Subject: Re: Part 2 (word count 1245) >>>> In reply to:
Fi
's message, "Part 2 (word count 1245) >>>>" on 14:42:46 05/12/10 Wed
Hi Fi. I like the changes you've made since your first posting, but I'm trying to figure out what POV you're going for here. Also what's the date?
POV-wise I find the scenes waver. It's subtle and took a bit for me to figure out why. These are Richard's scenes. Everything is filtered through him (supposedly), yet the reader doesn't get all his observations, feelings, etc. because the POV shifts at times to a more general, generic telling of what's going on. Like in the closing exchange, when he's shocked to discover he's a bastard. His stomach is full. He's just gorged himself on meat pie, yet he doesn't feel like he'll hurl it back up again, instead 'his stomach lurched'. There's also a great description of his Ma and her proud eyes, but the reader doesn't get to see her looking ashamed. Or turning her gaze from his. POV has shifted outside/overhead, into more of a narrative, telling the reader what's going on. Which is not a problem, but it does put a barrier up, making the reader a step removed from everything. Showing Richard gathering the clues from Mr. Joyce and his mother that she 1. slept out of wedlock and married/used 'his father' or 2. is an adulteress, would have more emotional impact with the reader, than telling them about his actions when he receives the news. Richard comes off as throwing more of a tantrum, rather than having his world turned on its ear...hmm, I guess that's because his actions are prioritized over his emotions. Anyway, like I said, I don't know if your story is written with the POV shifting in and out of a narrative for a reason. Like the opening line. It's just floating out there, a general observation of the man and his silver laced curls. It takes several paras before the reader gathers it's Richard's observation, but it's not really. It more an overhead narrator's perception. If you tweak the sentence, making it firmly Richard's, the whole scene will come across as stronger. It puts the reader in the scene, instead of watching it unfold at first.
And the reason why I asked about the date is the dialog phrasing seems to fluctuate into modern times, as well as Richard's interaction with Mr. Joyce. Seems too familiar. He starts out calling him sir, then shifts to calling him Mr. Joyce. Why the change? What did Mr. Joyce do to make Richard comfortable enough to use the more familiar address? I'd expect Richard to be a bit intimidated by Mr. Joyce's wealth and position and be very conscious of the demarcation between child and adult. Wouldn't he call him sir, unless Mr. Joyce indicated otherwise? And isn't calling him a liar a BIG deal? It wasn't something lightly bandied about back then, right? Duels were fought over such an insult? And since Richard's world is fairly black and white, Catholicism, adhering to vehement behavior (the spitting at the mention of Cromwell), would he call his mother a whore?
>>“They surely do. Isn't it great that there are still Catholics in the world, to keep buying our fish?”
Great sounds modern here. Wonderful, instead?
And lastly, introduction of new characters. There's a great description of Mr. Joyce's wife, but instead of Richard gathering the info and drawing his own conclusions about who she is, the narrator tells the reader who she is after the fact with the use of 'her husband'. What are the social customs of the time? As the lady of the house, would she introduce herself and welcome them to her table? Would her husband introduce her? Would there be tension between Kate & Mrs. Joyce? Mr. & Mrs. Joyce? Is Mrs. Joyce's departure a statement? She's extending an insult, slighting Kate & her husband's bastard by refusing to eat with them? And even if she's not, would Kate perceive it as such? And Richard, being astute, would gather the undercurrents in the room, but be clueless as to reason and just chalk it up to Mrs. J being snooty? So I guess I'm suggesting more layers need to be added to the scenes. *s* Physical perceptions. I for one think seeing Mr. Joyce's actions and expressions in the first scene would flesh him out and make him more three dimensional for the reader. But, it's your story, Fi. Up to you. And hey, let me know if this feedback is even a help, okay?
Hi Alex,
Thanks for your feedback, it's much appreciated.
I can see that I have some work to do, esp with establishing POV and making the dialogue/actions appropriate to the time and place. I guess I need to flesh out the Joyces (especially the wife). I originally had Mrs. Joyce staying for supper, but she wasn't doing much and just cluttered up the scene, so I decided she should exit stage left :) But I guess I should give her more of an entrance before she exits.
Thanks for showing that I need to focus more on Richard and show his internal reactions to events. It is supposed to be his POV and I can see where that's not clear now, so I know what to work on.
Dialogue can be a real bitch to write in historical fiction! Hard to know where to strike the balance between "gadsooks, thou knave" and "dude, where's my periwig?" I see what you mean about the demarcation between classes and generations; so I need to make this clearer in the speech.
The date is 1663, 11 years after the Cromwellian conquest of Ireland, 3 years after the Restoration of Charles II in England. Although the Joyces are well-off compared to Richard and Kate, they're actually middle-class merchants rather than gentry, and they're vulnerable to the political and religious upheavals of the time.
Thanks again for your help. Hope you keep reading.
Fi
