Date Posted:11:59:15 05/18/10 Tue Author: Esther Subject: Hey Paige! Finally made it to your test post! And I'm glad you were so persistant! This way >>> In reply to:
Paige2
's message, "Re: Testing out 1st Post" on 20:32:53 05/09/10 Sun
Now I have an idea about what your story is about, and it will make it easier for me to jump in and enjoy it. I do, however, have some comments if you're interested. The hazard of asking what I think. *G*
This is something I'd read. I like the whole justice concept, and the spell before she died, a spell that took the auld ones 600 years to grant. I devour anything that has to do with time. The potential for 'flashbacks' has me just about green with envy and I can't wait to see how you incorporate them into your story.
But I’m not a literary agent getting dozens, if not more, of these on a daily basis. So if this was a first impression of your book that I saw (and it is since I haven't read your next post yet) it might not be enough to keep me from adding this to the slush pile. Here are some things I’d like to see. Remember to use what you can and to toss the rest.
Your hook. You need to catch their attention and catch it fast. After reading this, I’m thinking that your first paragraph about revenge and justice resembles backstory. It starts out with Arianwen, but the book is about Arienh. It doesn’t matter that Arienh is the reincarnation of Arianwen. Arianwen is dead. For whatever reason, she wasn’t strong enough to survive. Arienh is the one who has to battle the newest version of Camalus. Make it about her.
Mention the title of your book right from the get go. The title shouldn’t be a surprise at the end. The title represents your hard work and I think it needs to be important enough to be flaunted as soon as you can. Same for word count. If it’s an important enough criterion to be the cause for frustration if you have to cut words, then it’s important enough to mention that you managed to write a complete story within those parameters. I’m sure the word count issue will arise at some point, probably right away. Deal with it and move on to the good stuff.
What the story is about. I think this needs to be condensed, made more concise and to the point. I don’t have a clear concept of the conflict. All I get from this is a couple musicians, whom look like the men in her ‘memories’ show up at the castle she purchased. The antagonist isn’t mentioned by name. He’s lumped in the same sentence as the three, as not worth mentioning by himself. He’s an important character because he is the one that forces the protagonist to become all she can be. We already know, because you have her learn the legend from the caretaker that her remembrances match the legend, that she’s the reincarnation, but then you mention a past-life regression. You’re concentrating on the how she got to the castle, but not what happens at it. Is it important to know the two men from her ‘memories’ resemble current day musicians? Does their occupation play an important role in the battle between the three and the one? What is the legend of the three? Be specific. Is the conflict resolved? In the fight that took 600 years to mastermind/transpire, do the auld ones suspect how it will affect the future? What's the consequence of failure?
In addition to the consideration, thank the agent for their time and mention a full manuscript is available upon request. Or whatever the individual guidelines are.
Remember this is your chance to speak up about something you have passion for, it’s your voice, and at this point, only you are your books advocate. You want what’s best, so put the best forward. A good strong voice here will demonstrate you can write and give them reason to believe your book will be even better.
And there. You have some unsolicited advice from someone who has never written a query letter in her life. Take everything with a grain of salt.
