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Date Posted: 21:15:09 06/15/10 Tue
Author: susiej
Subject: Re: In here, Old Dogs scene: 1082 words
In reply to: debikm 's message, "In here, Old Dogs scene: 1082 words" on 21:47:42 06/14/10 Mon

>For those of you new to the saga of Daniel and
>Valerie, this takes place early in their relationship.
>They really don't even have a relationship at this
>point. They are neighbors and he is her brother in
>law's good friend.
>
>To set the scene: Valerie's ex-husband showed up on
>her doorstep, drunk off his ass. Their was NOT an
>amicable divorce. Valerie left the marriage with what
>she came into it with, namely doodlely and squat. When
>she didn't show him much sympathy, he grabbed her and
>tried to force himself on her. She fought back,
>managed to rack him and get away. When her anger
>overwhelmed her and she tried to do him some damage,
>Daniel, alerted by the commotion he could hear across
>the intervening pasture, showed up in time to stop her
>from maiming her ex- and escorted him back to his car,
>where the ex- promptly blazed away to the dirt road
>and destroyed Daniel's mailbox and his lawn with the
>car. This takes place maybe an hour later.
>------------
>
>Nessa’s mini van crunched to a halt next to the lake
>house and Alan launched from the driver’s side like a
>rocket, striding straight toward Valerie. “That son of
>a bitch did what to you?!”
>
>Valerie was taken off guard and watched with mild
>fascination as Alan’s face went beet-red in fury. She
>turned on Daniel with a scowl. “When did you call him?
>I don’t recall being out of your sight.”
>
>Daniel looked sheepish. “You were in the loo.”
>
> “How much did you tell him?”
>
>“Only that your ex-husband attacked you and tried to
>molest you.”
>
>Nessa got out with the baby in tow, Kelly trailing
>behind. “You should press charges against him.”
>
>“No.”
>
>“Why the hell not?!”
>
>Valerie flinched from Daniel’s angry shout and felt
>worse when she saw him recoil as he realized he’d
>startled her.
>In a quieter voice, he continued. “He assaulted you,
>and was well on his way to raping you when I got
>here.” Twin gasps from Alan and Nessa intensified the
>tension. Valerie was still angry and the current
>situation was spinning madly out of her control,
>making her head throb with strain. She fixed a
>withering gaze on Daniel and sighed. “Thanks a lot.”
>
>Nessa reached down to soothe Kelly, who was clinging
>to her leg, staring wide-eyed at all the angry adults.
>
>Valerie’s head was pounding like a bass drum. Nessa
>nodded as if she had reached a decision.
>
>“Valerie, go get your stuff. You’re coming back to the
>house with us.
>
>“No I’m not.”
>
>Alan decided to assert himself. cut that line- it's telling and we don't need it. Your dialogue is good. We can see that he's asserting himself. “Yes you are.” said Alan. He
>reached for Valerie’s hand and she snatched it away.
>
>“Stop treating me like I’m a simple-minded child! I
>just want to be left alone.”
>
>Nessa sighed. “You’re just upset—“
>
>Valerie snorted without mirth. “You’re damn skippy I’m
>upset! My drunk ex-husband drove five hours to attack
>me, both physically and emotionally. And my own family
>is treating me like I’m incapable of doing anything on
>my own.”
>
>Alan shook his head. “Val, you know that’s not true.
>We just want to help.”
>
>“You can do that by leaving me the hell alone.”
>
>Alan cut- ignored her demand and gave Daniel a grateful glance. “Thank you for being here. I hate to think
>what would have happened if you hadn’t intervened.”
>
>Valerie sighed cut- in exasperation. “I kneed Ben in
>the balls, Daniel made sure he left.”
>
>Alan and Nessa both looked at Daniel and Valerie’s
>temper exploded-cut that. Debi, believe me! You have a good way with dialogue. It doesn't need these additions. I can hear it in their voices and I bet others can too. “Don’t look to him for confirmation!
>Do you think I’m lying about it now?!”
>
>“No!” Nessa cried. “We’re just worried about you.”
>
>Valerie flipped her hand at them, shooing them away.
>“Then worry about me from the comfort of your own
>home. I have a headache.” Then her gaze narrowed. “You
>didn’t tell Dad, did you?”
>
>Alan shook his head. “We were already on the way home.”
>
>Nessa chimed in. “He needs to know, Val.”
>
>“Why?”
>
>“Because he’s your father.”
>
>“What’s he going to do about it? Build a fortress
>around me? Come keep me under surveillance? I think
>you’ve got that covered.” She sighed, rubbing her
>throbbing temples. “Listen, I know you’re going to
>squeal anyway. But don’t give him a lot of sordid
>detail, please? Just tell him Ben showed up, we had a
>fight and he left again, okay?” She was annoyed that
>neither Alan nor Nessa would answer her or look her in
>the eyes in promise. She finally just waved her hands
>at them in aggravation. “You go away now, okay?
>Thanks. Bye.” She turned her back on them and walked
>back toward her front door.
>
>“Val!”
>
>“What?!” She spun toward them, glowering. Her family
>stared at her as if she’d grown four heads and Alan
>shook his head and sighed. “Just be careful, okay?”
>
>“Yeah.” As she watched, they got into the van and
>turned away down the drive. Only after the vehicle
>disappeared did she realize Daniel was still standing
>there.
>
>“In case you were wondering that dismissal applied to
>you too.”
>
>He stood, watching her. “I thought as much. I just
>wanted to make sure you were all right.”
>
>A breathy chuckle that threatened to become a more
>ominous emotion escaped her. this one's OK- its different- a foreshadowing, I think “In all honesty, I’m about where I was when my divorce was final, minus the
>relief.” She shook her head. “But that doesn’t really
>matter. I’ll live.” She gave him a narrow look. “But I
>wish you hadn’t called Alan.”
>
>“They’re your family. They needed to know.”
>
>“And I would have told them, when they got home, and
>hopefully, without all the drama afterward.”
>
>“You would have lied.”
>
>“I would have glossed over some details, maybe.” She
>glanced down the driveway where the van had
>disappeared and frowned. “By tomorrow evening, the
>Roark family jungle drum network will have reached its
>full capacity and I’ll have a dozen or more messages
>on my voice mail, from my dad, my Aunt Jill, from my
>cousin Amanda. They’ll all start with ‘Hi Valerie, I
>heard what happened, I’m so sorry,’ and then they’ll
>diverge. ‘You should have him arrested’, ‘you should
>have him assassinated’, an idea I’m not completely
>opposed to in principle, mind you, ‘the very same
>thing happened to my neighbor and he came back and
>shot her’, it just never ends.”
>
>“They’re your family and they care. You’re lucky to
>have them.”
>
>Her eyeballs were staring to throb in time with her
>pulse. “I know, I’m a terrible, ungrateful bitch and
>I’m going to hell for it. I just wish you hadn’t
>stirred up the hornet’s nest that is my family.”
>
>Daniel spread his hands in helpless confusion. “I
>don’t know what you want from me.”
>
>“I don’t really want anything from you.” Ooo! Ouch! She doesn't mean it!
>
>The words came out of her mouth before she could
>think. Taking a deep breath, she held it a moment and
>let it back out. Daniel’s expression was surprised,
>starting to lean toward offended and she had to say
>something to fix it. “I’m sorry, that didn’t sound at
>all like what I meant.” Words failed her yet again,
>the aching in her skull threatening to rob her of any
>coherence at all.
>
>Rubbing at her forehead, irritated, she sighed and met
>his gaze.
>
>“Thank you, for being there for me today. I was really
>scared.” Her impromptu confession earned her a quiet
>smile.
>
>“You’re welcome.” He nodded in the direction of his
>house. “If you need anything, I’ll be just over there.”
>
>“Okay.” She watched him go.

Great scene overall, Debi. Just those little bits that jarred me out of the moment. I was cringing and laughing. I can see them all clearly. Love the kid clinging to the leg. You do kids so well.

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[> [> [> I need to be more Zen between dialogue, you're saying..;-) -- Debi, 06:18:50 06/16/10 Wed


>
> Great scene overall, Debi. Just those little bits
>that jarred me out of the moment. I was cringing and
>laughing. I can see them all clearly. Love the kid
>clinging to the leg. You do kids so well.

Thanks susiej! I never 'see' those qualifiers until someone points them out. I always start out telling, not showing. I appreciate you reminding me/kicking me in the pants!
Debi

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[> [> [> [> Debi>>> -- susiej, 10:16:24 06/16/10 Wed

I used to be the absolute worst ever at describing every emotion. One of the many reasons my word count was so big.

Now, I think it's became, for me, like Ester and her adverbs. No offense Ester! Because I agree; however, the occasional adverb or emotional description can add zing or depth. Like that chuckle- chuckle usually means amused, but amusement may not come from what the reader thinks. In your case it was- oh, if you only knew how I'm about to bite your head off.

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[> [> [> [> [> LOL... I'll take whatever help I can get! -- Debi, 12:42:14 06/16/10 Wed

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