Date Posted:22:40:26 03/18/10 Thu Author:Fel Subject: Thanks Page!! >>> In reply to:
Page
's message, "Great revision! >>>" on 12:38:56 03/18/10 Thu
>You've done a lot of work, and it shows! What a super
>job of making Heinrich a more sympathetic character.
>With this version, it's easy to identify with him and
>feel his confusion and the conflict inside him. Very,
>very nice job!
Yea!!! I'm glad you are able to identify with him now.
>
>I think Debi hit the high points with her excellent
>crit. The only thing I'd add is to go back and count
>all the times you used "Heinrich," "Wilhelm," and
>"Will." I know it's hard to write a scene between two
>people of the same gender and keep them straight in
>the reader's head, but you've used their names an
>awful lot. One of the very first things I learned
>here at the Lit Forum is not to have the characters
>call each other by name very often. When people are
>speaking to each other, they very rarely say each
>other's name, so I'd suggest going back and taking out
>most of those in their conversations.
Okay. I'll weed out some of the names. Is it okay to leave some of them in? Or should I take most if not all of them out?
>
>You've created a very compelling tale here, and one
>I'd like to continue reading!
>
>Hugs,
>Page
Thanks bunches Page!! It really gladdens my heart to hear you say that.
I think you can probably remove most of the formal names in their conversation as soon as youve established who is doing the speaking. Of course, some will need to be left in, like when their mother sees her youngest son covered in blood. Its only natural shed exclaim, Heinrich! What happened to you? But after youve shown her turning to Wilhelm, she wouldnt need to call him by name, since youve established shes speaking to her older son.
The rest is a little more tricky. I mean, you cant take out too many, or all the uses of him, he, and his will get confusing. But go back and see if you cant reword some of the sentences to try to take some out. Or at least not use them at the beginning of a sentence. Like, Heinrich nodded enthusiastically and showed Wilhelm the pouch of shells he had gotten with the gun. Heinrich raced ahead to the back yard and showed Wilhelm where he had set up some old cans and bottles on a low tree stump far from the house and barns could be changed to Heinrich nodded with enthusiasm and displayed the pouch of shells he had with him. Anxious to show his big brother he was serious about learning to shoot, he raced to the back yard where hed set up some old cans and bottles on a low tree stump.
Here are two things that really helped me. First, read it aloud. Its hard to hear it in your head when youre the one thats written it, but reading it out loud will help you to hear any awkward phrases or overuse of words. Second, use the Find function on your word processing program to point out every time youve used Heinrich or Wilhelm. It helps when you can see how many times theyre used in a short time, and will give you a good idea of what sentences and passages you might need to rework.
Page, 19:12:12 03/19/10 Fri