Date Posted:09:35:10 04/29/10 Thu Author: Lady Morilka Subject: Oh dear, I'm far behind once again, real life ist interfearing too much>>>> In reply to:
susiej
's message, "Teacher! Teacher, look. I did my homework! >>>>" on 14:19:49 03/21/10 Sun
>From The Seeker's Charm
>by S B James
>for critique only
>
>Rose leaned on her hoe to watch Eryna finish her row. two times "her" in this short sentence, maybe you could change the first to "the" or something.
>The grain was in; they were planting the vegetable
>garden.
>
>Eryna didn’t have to glance up to know Rose’s
>expression was smug. “Yes, you have the advantage of
>human practice and faerie power, but you don’t have to
>gloat about it. I am doing this as a favor to Edan,
>you know.”
>
>Rose brushed at some dirt on her skirt. “He told me my
>faerie powers were strong…when I resisted his pulling
>charm.”
>
>“Ah, in that situation, I’d say your head was strong
>and your blood was cold.” nice conter
>
>“Or that I’m simply much wiser than most young women
>for he also told me other mortal women have come to
>Faerie with him…”
>
>Eryna dropped in the turnip seed without saying a word
>although she did glance at Rose.
>
>Ignoring the look, Rose went on still brushing at the
>dirt on her clothes. “You told me Edan was the last
>baby born in Faerie, yet I know human-faerie couplings
>conceive readily. So I wonder, did he bring those
>women to Faerie out of deep …friendship?”
>
>As Eryna stayed silent, Rose found herself babbling.
>“Did they go out of simple curiosity to see Faerie? Or
>just to know him better? He’s lived a long life, in
>human years…has he never been married…fathered a
>child?” just one little thing here, when you use ... you sometimes have a blanc before and sometimes you don't, you should go with just one version throughout the story
>
>Rose finally dropped in a seed and pounded the earth a
>little harder than necessary, but she managed to still
>her tongue. When did rose start working again? I had the impression before that her row was done so when did she star again? Or was my impression wrong? because the next thing she does is start a new row. this just doesn't add up here.
When done, she looked at Eryna with what
>she hoped was an innocently curious expression.
>
>“My,” said the faerie straightening up and fixing her
>dark eyes on Rose. “How casual your manner for such a
>loaded question. One would think you were acting a
>part.”
>
>“You’re always so suspicious. I don’t think I can
>trust you. You say you aren’t in love with Edan, but
>you seem to find it so difficult to believe anyone
>else isn’t.”
>
>“Whose the suspicious one, now? I’m a faerie. I cannot
>lie.”
>
>“No, but you can sure evade questions. Are you going
>to answer me or not?”
>
>Eryna turned back to her hoe. “And why is it you don’t
>ask Edan these questions?”
>
>“I don’t see him here, do you?”
>
>“And that bothers you?”
>
>This time, Rose bit her lip to keep from asking, from
>screaming, the words-is it even possible for you to
>answer a question without another question? Instead,
>she calmly stated, “He sent you, so you get to answer
>the questions.”
>
>“But I just asked you one, and you didn’t answer me,
>so I don’t see that I have to answer yours.”
>
>“Arrrrgggh!” Rose spun around to start a new row. It
>was a good thing too, for if she’d seen the look on
>the faerie’s face, Rose might've thrown the hoe at her.
>
>Instead, Rose vented her ire on the earth digging a
>hole much too deep for a turnip seed. “Fine." she
>said. "I give up. Keep your secrets, Eryna, but do not
>expect me to... to go anywhere with anyone with such a
>past to hide! Don’t call me cold or stubborn or--”
>
>“All right,” laughed Eryna. “I’ll answer you…somewhat,
>for much that you ask should, in truth, be answered by
>Edan.” interesting mix of emotions here between Rose and Eryna. I like it, gives me a bit the feeling of teasing (in different degrees for the two of them)
>
>Rose kept on furiously digging holes and dropping
>seeds. Once again, she’d let Eryna pushed push?!
her into
>revealing that she cared more for these answers than
>she wanted anyone, including herself, to know. She seems to know (even if hidden) how much she cares, maybe "see" would be a better verb
>
>Eryna began in a tone which sounded like a lecture,
>“First you need to understand that since faeries live
>limitless years yet rarely have children, we…aren’t
>bound by the same conventions humans have when it
>comes to affairs of the heart--”
>
>“Sounds like a ruddy excuse to me for doing whatever
>you bloody want, whenever you want.”
>
>“Possibly, but one shouldn’t judge until they’ve
>walked in the shoes of another, and I must say Edan
>has always stayed loyal to the woman he
>was…with…until…” Why is she already stopping at the "with"?
>
>“Until what?” Rose looked up into Eryna’s face. I would like to know here what kind of look this is.
>
>The faerie sighed, “Until the end, however it came…he
>should be the one to tell you this, but much of it
>causes him pain to speak of, not because he’s broken
>hearted,
>but because of remorse for his involvement…and the way
>things turned out.” For once, the glib faerie seemed
>to have troubling trouble
finding words. “Some left him, for
>various reasons…some died…”
>
>“They became old and died…or did they just fade?”
>
>Before Eryna could answer, Rose frowned, her quick
>thoughts already working ahead, “But, both ways would
>take some time; yet, you seem to speak of several
>women. He hasn’t lived that long.”
>
>“They didn’t die from old age. Faerie women do not die
>that way.”
>
>“Oh! I…I didn’t know there were faerie women too!” I havent heard for a while now how the gardening is getting alon, maybe here would be a goot place to strew something in again. Maybe rose hiding embarressmanent by checking a root, or taking away a pebble that is in the way. And by the Way isn't Eryna a fearie woman (this is the first thin I read of this story so maybe this is a silly question)?
>
>Eryna’s finely shaped nostrils flared. “He is a male.
>An extremely attractive one. And there are plenty of
>attractive faerie women. And, he has lived sixty
>years. Still, it’s not as if there are dozens of women
>in his past. Although, there could’ve been, if he had
>complied. Did you expect him to pine for you before
>you were even born? Or while you were slobbering over
>your own fist in attempt to cut a tooth?”
>
>Rose glared before looking away.
>
>But Eryna was now in a full-fledged rant and no look,
>no matter how daunting, could stop that. “For a
>faerie, he’s considered rather serious and soulful
>especially in affairs of the heart. And ever since a
>certain someone began to grow up-though she hasn’t
>gotten very far, Edan's not so much as looked at
>another woman, although there are plenty who do
>everything they can to catch his eye. Eyes which must
>be blind or he would see the baby you are!”
>
>Eryna dug furiously while still keeping her eyes on
>Rose’s face. It was a testament to her faerie skill
>that she didn’t chop off the end of her toe.
>
>Rose breathed steadily trying not to blush. She'd
>completed another row, in record time. As she tamped
>tilled earth over a turnip seed, she watched Eryna
>work, giving the faerie time to catch up and herself
>time to get her voice under control. And think of a
>way to turn the conversation. I would make a break here, just to make it clear that she did take the time and that there was a moment of silence between. “You’ve already told me
>half the women in faerie dream of Edan. So, who do the
>other half dream of?”
>
>There was no smirk, no chuckle or lifting of a
>condescending brow. The answer came low and grim, “You
>will find out one day, and may the Stars help us when
>you do.”
>
>Eryna turned and walked to the jug of water kept in
>the shade of an elder tree. She took a long drink and
>went back to work, but her face stayed grimly
>thoughtful. Rose got no more out of her that day.
I figured I don'tgo into the POV discussion, it has all been said, but just give a crit on the chapter. I really like the chemistry between the two of them, like I said at some points it feels like teasing at some it feels tense, but there is allways somethin getween the two. Although I very much doubt it is ease or even friendship any time soon. I also like how you worked in the gardening, although at times the dialogue passages got a bit long for me and I had to go back at a few points to get what they were doing during that dialogues. I wonder where the storie will go from here ;)
