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Date Posted: 21:51:37 12/07/09 Mon
Author: Debi
Subject: Me too!
In reply to: Page 's message, "Hot doggies, I'm glad she woke up! >>>" on 18:23:18 12/07/09 Mon

>I really, really like the way you incorporate
>Molly's T-shirts into the story! I'm always delighted
>when I see what message she's wearing, and it
>solidifies a part of her personality. Also, super job
>of those glimpses into the neighborhood. Without
>dumping a bunch of info that tells us what's around
>the bar, you let us see the area when Molly waves to
>the woman at the Office Supply Store, or wrangles with
>the preacher across the street, etc. Oh, and Declan's
>"large fawn butt?" LOVE that! *G*


Thanks! Maybe I'm finally getting the hang of "show, don't tell."
>>
>>“Piece of shit,” she muttered under her breath and set
>>off after him. He turned left, toward the back door of
>>the bar and she broke into a trot, hurrying to catch
>>him before he tried to take himself to the park.
>>Rounding the corner, she ran headlong into him. He had
>>stopped by the back door next to someone sitting on
>>the pavement outside the door.
>>
>This is probably just me, but the last sentence
>threw me the first two times I read it. For some
>reason, it made me think there were two people sitting
>by the door, instead of one person and a dog. Like I
>said, it's prolly just me, but thought I'd let you
>know.


I'll play with it to try and see if I can make it more clear. If it tripped you up, it might do that same to someone else.
>


>>“I was worried you wouldn’t be happy to see me come
>>back, after I took off with no word last time.”
>>
>>“What makes last time any different than any other
>>time before? I’ll always want you back.”
>
>Ooh, nice! A burn, and a band-aid for it, all at
>once!


I didn't plan it that way, but cool!
>
he looked remarkably young and, in his sleep,
>>rather innocent. Molly knew better, but that
>>juxtaposition of sweet expression and knowledge of the
>>congenial devil that lay beneath made her smile.
>
>*sigh* What is it about most men that makes them
>look like they're about fourteen when they're asleep?
>(Fourteen??? Does that make me a perv??? Is sixteen
>better? How 'bout nineteen?) I like that last
>sentence especially!


Thank you. It just seems ot fit Gil. He such a different person from Daniel and the other male characters I've written.
>

>
>I dunno. Jerry Falwell across the street seems to
>see her as a force to be reckoned with. *G* I like
>this paragraph, though. Her insecurities about
>herself are played up nicely without all the drama and
>woe-is-me. Just Molly thinkin' her thoughts. I get
>the feeling she's not sitting there feeling sorry for
>herself, just stating the facts as she sees them.


Bah, Doug's afraid of her and has no need to be. He doesn't believe her, no matter how many times she tells him their secret is safe. Molly's rooted, Gil isn't. She envys his freedom as much as anything, though I don't know if she realizes how little she'd like the travel after awhile. Nice place to visit but wouldn't want to live there kind of scenario.
>
>>Oil and water, that’s what they were. He was volatile,
>>floating above, while she was the boring foundation,
>>the extinguisher when his fire raged unchecked.
>>She got up later, easing Gil’s head carefully out of
>>her lap. She’d heard some activity downstairs, having
>>left the door at the top of the stairs open.
>
>Beautiful analogy there with the oil and water!

Thank you. It decribes how different they are, but also how they need each other.
>>
>>With a weary nod, Molly took the first steps so she
>>could reach him. “Thanks.” Then she kissed him on the
>>cheek. As she mounted the stairs, she could hear him
>>dragging the seldom closed pocket door across the
>>opening onto the ground level. She closed the door at
>>the top of the stairs as well.
>
>This threw me: "...took the first steps..." It
>made me think Jimmy was standing on the stairs, and
>she walked up to where he was, instead of her
>descending the last few steps to him.


Yep, it does sound confusing. I'll fix it!
>>
>
>Growling whisper? Yes, ma'am!

It's established elsewhere that a full brass band can be in her bedroom and she'll sleep through it, but the sound of her name spoken aloud is enough to wake her comepletely. I dunno that she could have slept through what follows...;-)
>>
>>
>You did a good job here! By describing Gil's
>actions in short, terse sentences, and taking Molly's
>reactions out of the equation through much of the
>paragraph, it was clear what Gil was doing was
>completely blinded by his own lust. Then when Molly's
>alarm grew, it reinforced it. I could feel her rising
>panic, even without her having to say a word.


Thankee! At first, all I had written was the earlier scene with him asleep. When I came back to it, Gil just became this almost angry creature. It was only partway through writing it that I realized he was afraid. Afraid he'd lost her, afraid that he would lose her.
>
>>“Gil, what’s wrong? You—“
>>
>>The words were transformed into a grunt by his
>>withdrawing almost completely then slamming back in.
>>Now she was getting angry. They’d had plenty of rough
>>play in the past, but it had been play. This was
>>deadly serious and she wasn’t going to let him get
>>away with fucking her like some whore in an alley. She
>>reached up and grabbed a handful of his hair, dragging
>>his face away from hers far enough so she could see.
>
>Again, good job of playing up the differences
>between their rough play in the past, and this rough
>encounter!


Neither one of them has ever really been shy with the other. Sex is one thing their damned good at, and imaginative. It's just everyday things they argue about.;-)
>
>>His eyes were wild, black with lust and something
>>deeper. Fight fire with fire, it was then. Her other
>>hand entangled itself in his hair as well, and she
>>strained to keep his head raised. A snarl curled his
>>lips; he withdrew in one smooth motion and pistoned
>>back into her. Molly drew her knees in. He slid an arm
>>under one knee and used it to keep her pinned to the
>>bed and change the angle between them. Now he was able
>>to reach deep within her, much further than before and
>>she gasped. A wicked grin crossed his face and he bent
>>to savage her mouth again. She forgot to try and stop
>>him this time, her hands instead curling into claws
>>and raking his back. A feral growl boiled out of him
>>and he thrust in a hard rhythm, their flesh smacking
>>together with audible force. She tore her face from
>>his and instead buried her face in his neck and
>>shoulder, biting the muscle, ridged with effort.
>>Another, more approving growl rumbled out of his chest
>>and he shoved his hands under her hips, lifting her
>>off the mattress. Only her shoulders supported her.
>>Her leg slipped down and she jammed her heels into the
>>back of his legs to keep her hips angled toward him.
>>
>At the beginning, I don't think you need the comma
>after the second "fire." I may be wrong, but it just
>doesn't look right to me. And I really, really like
>the way you had Molly come right back at him with the
>same ferocity he was showing her. He evidently needed
>that, and I'm so glad she didn't cower, and whine
>about it, but gave as good as she got. JMHO. *G*


Again, thanks. She may not be big or overly strong, physically, but she can hold her own.
>
>
>I have to tell you, the phrase "like a gull"
>completely hurled me right out of the moment. It
>seemed too tame a caress for what was going on, even
>if Gil had calmed a bit. And right after that he gave
>that "laugh was full of darkness, of wicked deeds as
>yet undone." (BRILLIANT description, btw!) That
>laugh doesn't tell me his touch skimmed her back light
>as a gull, but more like a tyrannosaurus rex.


Claws are more appropriate than wings, aren't they? ANother bit to adjust. Thanks for the good eyes.
>
>>A flicker of guilt creased his eyes. He reached up to
>>stroke her hair off her forehead, watching her
>>reaction. She just watched him, her own fingers
>>tracing patterns on his arms.
>
>"watching" and "watched" too close together here.
>Maybe he could search her face for her reaction, or
>she could keep her gaze on his, or something similar
>to avoid having those two words on top of each
>other.


Good catch.
>>
>I'm not sure this needs to be a new paragraph,
>since it's Gil who continues speaking. For a moment
>there, I thought Molly had spoken up while he was
>looking out the window.


Sounds good. I dunno. Maybe I was tyring to emphasize it, but if it looks wrong, it needs fixing.
>>
>>
>>He looked at her, really looked at her, for the first
>>time since he’d come back. “I never should have
>>treated you like that. But I was just…dying.” He
>>paused, brow creasing in thought. “That’s what it
>>seemed like, like I would die if I didn’t have you,
>>bury myself in you right that second.”
>>
>>“At least you woke me up first. I appreciate that.”
>>She smiled to remind him she was joking and he shook
>>with a brief, silent laugh. “I’d have hated to miss
>>it.”
>>
>>“Really?”
>>
>>Molly sat up into his arms and twined herself around
>>his neck. “Really. Once I got over the surprise, it
>>was pretty damned sexy.” She was gratified to see his
>>eyes light with a speculative glimmer and he bent his
>>face to hers. This kiss was gentle but inquisitive,
>>testing her boundaries, wondering just how far she’d
>>let him get. Their lips met in a soft gesture, then
>>she craned her head back to look him in the eyes.
>>
>When I read that she twined herself around his
>neck, I got this mental picture of her entire body
>wrapped around his neck like a scarf. If she sat up
>into his embrace, then she could twine her arms around
>his neck, and you wouldn't have to deal with all those
>arms in one sentence, and avoid having Molly turn into
>a knitted muffler. *G*


*snerk* Okay, arms only... though the image of her hanging around his neck like a scarf is just funny!
>
>>“And where did you learn that breathing thing? That
>>was amazing. Or do I not want to know?” She was a
>>little worried he’d been honing his skills while out
>>on the road, though judging from his hunger the night
>>before, it had been quite some time.
>>
>>“You like that huh?” He kissed here again and sealed
>>his mouth the hers, drawing air in from her, pulling
>>it from her lungs and her airways from the outside.
>>The dizzying sensation left her wanting more.
>>
>>“Ancient Chinese secret,” he whispered, then did it
>>again.
>
>Okay, I'm sorry, but I cannot help but think of
>that Calgon commercial from the 70s here.
>
>And, man, am I intrigued now! I'd just give anything
>to know more about where Gil goes, and how Molly deals
>with it! I like what happens here between them,
>because it really seems to change the dynamic of their
>relationship, and Gil's admitting he had to have her
>right that moment or die says a LOT about how he
>really feels about her. Even though the sex was
>rough, they were both willing participants, and I like
>how Molly admitted she found it arousing. I think I
>like it so much because there was a similar scene in
>Carey On where afterward, Katie thought that
>some vital question had been asked and answered in
>their encounter. So I think I understand where you're
>coming from with it.
>
>And on top of everything else, LOVELY writing! Except
>for the bird on her back, which I just can't shake!
>*G*
>
>Hugs,
>Page


Don't forget the scarf thing! The reference to the commercial was deliberate, but I can make it somethign else if it seems too jarring. It's something I've said all my life in response to almost any question... it lends itself...;-)
Thank you for the great ideas and catching the bobbles. I always feel like my stories are stronger for having had a good set of eyes on it.

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[> [> [> [> Ancient Chinese secret, huh? *G* >>>> -- Page, 22:45:09 12/07/09 Mon

No, don't take it out! Especially not if it's in concert with Gil's personality. After all, I don't know him well enough yet to know he'd say that, and how he'd mean it.

Man, am I showing my age by remembering that commercial? I can still see the sheepish look on the Chinese dude's face when his wife comes out brandishing that Calgon box. LOL!

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[> [> [> [> [> I rememerb that commercial well too... does that mean we're old? ;-) -- Debi, 06:37:24 12/08/09 Tue

I'll play with it, see if Gil thinks of something better to say...;-)

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[> [> [> [> [> [> Nope. The commercial is! LOL! -- Page, 12:39:16 12/08/09 Tue

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