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Date Posted: 15:17:20 05/29/01 Tue
Author: Rich
Subject: Hey Grigg, didn't you see my abuse/Al's compliment down below? And what's your score for Heat then?

As you seem to like 'em so much, I thought I'd do another album review on your movie review board. (Oh, I took out two films btw - Coyote Ugly, which, when I saw the trailer, I said it looks like the biggest pile of shite I've ever seen in my entire life. But it has Piper Perabu in it and I'd like to penetrate her; and Charlie's Angels, so I can finish off my review properly and have another look at Drew's tits).

Anyway, we've done Jacko, so how does his rival Prince fare? Let's take a look at what possibly is, along with Sign O' The Times, his most critically-acclaimed album:

PURPLE RAIN (1984, AVAILABLE IN ALL GOOD LIBRARIES)


Let's Go Crazy: The major difference between Prince and Jacko is that, while Prince is a prodigious multi-instrumentalist and was given a $1 million contract at age 18, he wasn't a star from the age of an embryo like Jacko was. Instead of being some poor exploited bugger being made to dance for 10p a time, he had to work up, and build his audience. Purple Rain has all the swagger and conceit of someone who knows they've finally cracked the big time. The production's pretty snazzy, too. Rating: ****

Take Me With U: A bit average by Prince's standards this one, but likeable enough. Rating: ***

The Beautiful Ones: Again, nothing special, but worth it for the end where he goes a bit mad and starts balling "Do you want me?" and screaming all over the shop. Rating: ***

Computer Blue: Not one of his most famous tracks, it nevertheless tries to do something a little different. One thing the old man Prince is, is a good bloke in the studio department, having done most of his training there. You can hear all the reverbs and trickery on the voices to make it more of an experience. Rating: ***

Darling Nikki: Complete and utter total street cred meltdown!!! This is the song that inspired that group of overprotective mothers that stick that "Parental Advisory: Adult Content" stickers on the front of CDs. Yes, that's all thanks to Prince, who shocked a mum who walked in on her young daughter listening to this. Total street cred! Factoid: First line: "I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess u could say she was a sex fiend, I met her in a hotel lobby, masturbating with a magazine." The song ends with a backwards message praising God. Rating: A total street cred *****

When Doves Cry: Despite the critical plaudits thrown at this one, I've never been that into it, though making a song with no bass line is quite an innovative thing to do I guess. Again, when it comes to emotional depth Prince has it in abundance. This is a guy that's seen the world, unlike certain people with faces made out of plastic that I could mention. Factoid: MC Hammer apparently sampled this for the funky U Can't Touch This. I'm still not sure how though. Rating: ****

I Would Die 4 U: Even on one of the lesser tracks, Prince still delivers the lyrical goods. These days he just tries to be black, with songs like "Yo Mama" and "Get Yo Groove On." This wouldn't be so bad, but you forget he actually is. Rating: ****

Baby I'm A Star: Tongue-in-cheek braggadocio this one, all "Hey - I ain't got no money, but honey I'm rich on personality!" The lad knew he'd done good... but why did he throw it all away? Rating: ****

Purple Rain: Come on, the lad really means it, doesn't he? Rating: *****


I'll tape this fucker for ya if ya want, Grigg.

Rich's Final Thought: "While Purple Rain only gets an average ****, this turns out to be an album that's greater than the sum of its parts - a true ***** album. This is how it's done, Jacko. Until next time, take care of yourselves... and each other."

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