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Date Posted: 13:49:00 10/10/11 Mon
Author: HOF curator
Author Host/IP: 24.136.80.183
Subject: Counter on newly single 35yo men looking for women

Craig: Thoughts.
IP: 170.202.22.1
Posted on October 10, 2011 at 03:51:49 PM by Counter

Thoughts:

The newly single 35+ man has only 2 viable options. He will ignore these options and futilely pursue much younger women, in the wrong places, for 2 years. He will do things like sign up for a booze cruise on the Connecticut River. He will enter a 10k. He will then google “10k” and enter a 5k. He will go to the opening of a student film festival. He will check email and/or read magazines at Starbucks. He will linger in the liquor store by the Ruby Tuesday’s pre-made mudslide display. These are all bad, bad, ideas, soon followed by even worse ones. No attractive female is excited to see you in her parking garage. “Just wondering” where that cute girl at the video store lives is wrong. She’s 16. You had no fucking idea because you are newly single at 35+. They look older now, perv. And, dude, no single man can “just sit” at a public park if there are kids around. At most you can briskly walk your dog a block away. Perv. Bars? Please. This is like Star Wars. The odds of you successfully navigating the tunnel and depositing your torpedo in the slot decrease exponentially if the shields are up. Don’t laugh—I used a Star Wars analogy because newly single 35+ men are freaking dorks. But I digress.

The 2 viable options:

1. The workplace cafeteria. This isn’t ‘Nam, dude. There are rules. You can’t know the names of more than 10% of the people there. This needs to be a big enough place so that the soccer mom who saw you at the park isn’t blowing her rape whistle to every good-looking prospect. You need some cover. The best plan of attack is to hit the salad bar, Fatty. Also, this is where the thin girls are. Don’t fuck it up with a shitload of bleu cheese, either. Figure out when the cute single woman eats her lunch and show up at the same time. Getting there early and waiting for her is not “at the same time”, shortswad. Extra points for this being a low-risk of jailbait environment. Except during intern season.

2. The grocery store(s). Unless your type is “bulimic” or “uses Peapod”, this should work for you. Also, it may just be the last place on Earth where a newly-single man can wander around looking at melons for an hour. Go to 3 or 4 different stores. Whole Foods for your age-appropriate, newly single cougars. Sav-a-Lot for your poor and desperate. Stop and Shop for your grandmas. You get the picture. Don’t forget your zip codes. The swanky town over has an entirely different clientele than the place that sells those chickens with feet.

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