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Date Posted: 00:15:24 01/05/05 Wed
Author: Waldo
Subject: The story you've been waiting for... "The Ol Switch-A-Roo"
In reply to: Waldo 's message, "Re: Pre-Quel II.... "Why Me????"" on 00:13:08 01/05/05 Wed

A couple of important disconnected facts which probably don’t merit an entire prequel.

1. I have a roommate. I’m not sure if I ever mentioned this before. I met him at the same bar, and we became good friends. His name is Rick H., and he’s a cool guy. Some six months after I bought my house, he was getting kicked out of the condo he was renting (it had been sold). He asked if I was interested in having a roommate. At first I wasn’t, but the house is plenty big, and he was a good friend, so I said what the hell. Now we remain good friends and he gives me $700 a month to boot.

2. Dodgeball has a friend named Jeni – Jeni V, to be precise. She is in her late 20s and is a schoolteacher. I know this won’t come out right, but she looks like a very sexy female version of Jack Osbourne (Ozzy’s kid?). She has this frizzy Jack Osbourne hair and Jack Osbourne little glasses… but somehow, it really works on her. We call her Jack Osbourne behind her back, but I think she is sexy. And she’s got a great set of hoots on her. Yumma.

Dodgeball and Jeni came in together a lot. Somehow I talked to Dodgeball all the time, but not so much to Jeni. Until one night, when we did for some reason talk a lot, and hit it off.

Now Jeni’s best qualities are probably those two big naranjas she carries around in that shirt, but right up there on the list would be the fact that she is FUNNY. This girl cracks me up. And she dances all sexy. And sometimes you see that thong peeking out.

So I decide Jeni’s pretty funny, and sexy, just like me (without the boobs and the thong), and I guess she decides the same about me. And she even mentions it to Dodgeball – probably a mistake and a violation of some girlfriend code, as Dodgeball is hurt but sort of gives her blessing for Jeni to make a run at yours truly.

And so one night I’m at the bar with Rick H., and Dodgeball and Jeni V come in. We all hang out, and I’m getting very good vibe (if a woman sends every signal in the book, I do actually manage to pick up on them probably one time out of ten). At some point when the girls are out of earshot, I mention to Rick H. that I like my chances with Jeni V and wouldn’t mind knockin’ the dust off of you-know-what with her. He thinks about it for a second and says…

“I’ll take one for the team.”

That, ladies and gentleman, is a true friend. A truer friend than I’ve ever met, or will ever be.

I guess I should point out that Rick H. has been to the land of Dodgeball once before – but, he is quick to point out that this happened “before she pulled the rip cord.” That is, she used to be pretty shapely. One day she had a nice ass. The next day, it was the size of Topeka, as if she had pulled the rip-cord and the parachute in her pants instantly ballooned out to full expansion.

So the girls come back from wherever, and we decide to hit the Village Inn for a late night breakfast. It’s a ritual of ours, usually used to either avoid going to bed or give us a little extra time to try and close a deal (not that we ever succeed).

While at breakfast, Rick looks at the girls and says “Let’s go back to Kim’s place and have some group sex.”

I was floored. The liquid courage had been flowing strong through Rick that night apparently (not to mention the associated goggles). But the girls giggled, and somehow we ended up at Dodgeball’s.

Rick and Dodgeball sit on the couch and get cozy, in a sort of sloppy, kissy sort of way. Jeni and I are slower to get to know each other – sitting on the floor in the same room – but fumble around in the vinicity of first base for a while, with ol Waldo taking a big lead off the bag, eyeing second.

Ohhhh, that greasy breakfast. I should be smarter than that. I excuse myself, but don’t have the heart to do what I got to do. I stand in the bathroom for a couple of minutes, knowing well what I gotta do but refusing, and then come back to the living room, just as uncomfortable.

Which means that after another 10 minutes, I have to excuse myself again. Rinse, lather, repeat, m’friends…. I do this over and over, never going in there to actually solve my problem – which can only be solved in that room. The whole apartment could fit in my garage.

During one of my MANY unsatisfactory breaks, Rick H. hopped off of the couch to help himself to a beverage. I hear whispering in the living room, and when I get back, Rick H. and Jeni V. are all cozy on the couch.

The Ol Switch-A-Roo.

Dodgeball loves me, saw an opportunity, and put her plan into action. Her best friend did what she thought a good friend should do, and complied.

Ohhh, was I ever in a quandary. Remember what a good friend Rick H. was? Remember the sacrifice he openly admitted he was willing to make, if it helped me accomplish my goal? It seemed only right that I return the favor.

So I tried.

Dodgeball and I were on the floor now, rolling around in the same territory that Jeni and I were only minutes earlier, and pretty much occupying our time the same way. And m’friends, I have never been less into anything in my life.

I tried to get in the mood. To get anywhere near the mood. But I am just not into this girl. And oohhhhhh, that greasy breakfast.

I now had two problems, and decided it was time to fix them both. I excused myself, went to the only bathroom in her quaint two-bedroom condo, and took the most vile, disgusting, nastiest toxic-waste paint-peeling shit any human or animal ever took on God’s green earth.

Man, did I feel better. I flushed the toilet about 10 times, walked out of the bathroom to solve problem number two.

Rick H. was on his feet, as he wanted to use the facility after me (probably the biggest mistake of his life – even bigger than doing Dodgeball). I told Rick “We gotta go.” And he said “OK.”

I came back to the floor, where Dodgeball said “let’s go back to my room.”

I said “That ain’t happening.”

She said, disappointed but thoughtfully…. “I know, but let’s just go lay down and give them some privacy.”

I said “That ain’t happening either.”

Rick H. came out of the bathroom, his face a queasy blue-green disgusted look to it, we put on our shoes, and got the hell out of there.

That oughta teach them to try and pull the ol Switch-A-Roo on Rick H. and Waldo. We hauled our blue balls right out to my Jeep at 5:00 AM, and headed home, smiling, cuz we showed them bitches.

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