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Saturday, May 16, 11:57:43am [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, [3], 4, 5, 6 ]

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Date Posted: 05:35:35 11/30/03 Sun
Author: Robin
Subject: on dealing with other people's babies after your loss...

I feel so sad for you Heather,for any of you here who suffer so. Although, at this time,it may seem that it'll never get better; I,like Joanne, can tell you that it will. But like any wound, it does take time. My Ricki was stillborn at 24 weeks on Dec.3rd 1993. Another sister in our ward was also pregnant and due with in amonth of my due date. She was the darling of the ward. Everyone thought she was the cutest, funniest most wonderful person there could be ( and she really was a nice lady). She lived in a nice house. Had beautiful children that always looked like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine. She had it all. After Ricki died I approached her and told her how sad I was and how desparately I needed a friend to help me thru it all...I didn't want there to be awkward feelings between us...well my request fell upon deaf ears, I guess that it was too much for her?? Anyways where I'm going with all this is that my hurt cloaked itself in anger. For several months I'd just as soon have thrown a chair at her than looked at her. Every sunday the same thing, all the sisters in the ward "oooing" & "awwing" over her growing belly while at the same time telling me that I needed to snap out of it because " no one wants to be around a'downer'" or telling me that it was strange that I went to visit his grave regularily and took him ballons etc. Ricki's due date was April 4th...she was due the end of the month. I actually prayed that she would not deliver in my son's month and felt greatly relieved when her son was born a couple days into May. Yes, I guess that I was a little crazy...but it was such a hard time and I quite literally had no one to help me....I hope Heather that you have some support in your ward and it is so wonderful that you have these great sisters here to help you. I truly believe that Once death touches your family that you are never the same. How can you be?? BUT, it doesn't mean that you will never feel joy again because you will. Remember that grieving is not an event...it is a process...I think of a story I once heard...."there was once a young woman who had a most realistic dream... (we'll say that her name was Heather) she dreamed that she was walking thru a beautiful meadow when suddenly and great hand reached down from the sky. In the palm of the hand she could see three pieces of coal. The great hand closed around those lumps of coal and squeezed. Oddly she became aware of the pressure that was being exerted on the coal. The great hand continued to bear down on those coal bits...The young woman felt pain as if she where within the great hand also. She cried out to the hand to stop. The hand continued. AS the pain increased she begged the hand to stop. It did not. She dropped to the ground in agony sure that this would be the end of her. Then without warning the pressure eased. The pain ceased and she stood to see the great hand slowly opening. There in the palm where the dirty bits of coal had once lain were three gleaming diamonds. A godly voice came from the skies saying: " Heather, these are you"
I have always treasured that story. I have remembered it often to help myself endure what at the time seems unendurable. I still cry for my little boy. I still wonder what it be like to read bedtime stories to him or dig outdoor 'treasures' from his jean pockets ...but it is no longer the overwhelming , life consuming sorrow that it once was. I think the important thing to remember is that Your Father in Heaven truly loves each and every one of us. That it will get easier, more bearable. that you must not allow others to cheat you out of one bit of your healing...allow yourself to grieve...there is no timelimit or right or wrong to all this..just listen to your heart and the Holy Spirit. I send this message with a big dose of love to you. I hope that today is a 'good' day for you, Heather and for all you other sisters as well. Thank you for inviting me to join your group, hugs from me to you all.

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Replies:

[> Robin...great words of wisdom.....m -- Jo, 07:23:37 11/30/03 Sun

I remember all too well those times for you - and it still makes me cringe to remember a woman coming up to me and telling me about your loss and that you just won't get over it. That you must have had a problem or something...I remember being speechless with how crass she came across...and how heartbroken you must have been.

I love the story you shared...it really is amazing to try to get things into perspective when we are so lost in the moment.

Jo


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[> Thank you, -- Heather, 16:47:24 11/30/03 Sun

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I do feel a little bit better after church today. I just have my days I supose.
As we all do. Thanks for the story too. I keep rem. what doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I am still here so I'd guess I will be stronger after this grief subisbes a little bit. Thanks again


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