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Monday, June 17, 07:44:47am

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Oh Heather, you are not a downer! This is why we are here!

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[> [> [> thanks -- Heather, 07:40:30 10/02/03 Thu

I just am overwhelmed, I have to keep going for my kids I have at home but I am just keeping my head above water.
My son asked me today "Can I watch TV all day today?" He was upset when I said no, I have been turning that thing on way to much just so I don't have to be a parent for a little while! I need to get back to my life but just don't know how to. I have such a big hole in my life that no one else sees but my husband, who doesn't feel like going on either. We have to but there are those days. thanks for listening and your help.

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[> [> [> [> Heather.....m -- Joanne, 11:43:57 10/02/03 Thu

I think what I noticed, after the worst of it all was over, was that people forgot that Jesus wept hard when he knew that Lazarus had died. He mourned for this person, who He already knew was in a better place - and He raised him from the dead to glorify Heavenly Father AND to comfort those of that family that Lazarus left behind.

If every member of the church were to realize that mourning is part of the processes of life, they would be far quicker to lend a shoulder, to call and stop assuming all is well because we have a knowledge that other churches just don't have. Yes, we know that are babies are safe where they are; however, it doesn't stop us from the desire to mother, to parent, to rock, to touch, to love our children who've already crossed over.

Our children do not want to be forgotten - they want to be remembered, they want to know that we are doing all that we can do to join them in the eternities. It never did drive a point into my heart that because Hannah was guaranteed her position that now it forced me to become more holier than previous to her birth - but it was something that a lot of members assumed. Some people within the church actually told us that Hannah didn't really count anyways as she never took a breath outside the womb - I think I would like to be there at the bar when she confides in them, face to face, that she indeed did count, does count and made a difference to more people than that man could ever dream of.

Yes, I too let the TV help me out. We are guilty of buying christmas presents that year that would keep our children occupied and out of our hair. Shameful to admit, but we were completely overwhelmed and were dealing with Hannah's due date, which was only 5 days after christmas. I lost presents for some of the kids, we had dinner way early and slept the afternoon away...I just wanted the day to end. My mother had gone away for the holidays so she could be back for Hannah's due date, but my DHs family wouldn't call or come over because it would just be 'too sad and they didn't want to "go there"'. Instead, they opened their home and entertained another family who had lost their daughter 2 mos before we lost our Hannah - and I was told to remember that the other girl counted more because she had lived longer. Yup, sure, you bet...isn't family wonderful?

Hmmmm - what else drove me out of my mind in those early days? My pg friends, that were both due within days of my due date, totally evaded/avoided/ignored me. That was just so touching to live through. Having no one that understood - that I could just say I was having a horrible day that day. Having to go to church each Sunday, into RS, and know that Hannah was just up the hillside in the Catholic Cemetery (for which we took a lot of flack for)...and how much I just wanted to leave class, go up and sit with her.

Anything else? Tons of things - things that just seemed to pile up and weigh me down completely. Too many things to type out. But as a Perinatal Bereavement Counsellor, I know that it is all way too normal - and the thing that you have to do, Heather, is to be very patient and allow yourself to go through the process.

See, if you try to not work through part of it, you'll have to do it anyways...you don't move up out of the pit unless you climb each rung on the ladder. You can't take 2 rungs at a time. No matter how ugly each of these rungs can be, it is paramount that you do it. Some rungs are easier to climb if you cry, some if you just take a deep breath...some with pondering, fasting and more prayer. And some, like Christ did, are just meant to be suffered out with that simple knowledge of hope.

You are very well-loved here - and yes, you have other children that require your care and attention. Ask your RS President to arrange for childcare for at minimum of 8 hrs per wk - and I am serious. 8 hrs is a minimum that you would need to do some personal grieving so that you can be better for your children. They, too, are grieving and need you to be the best that you can be, considering the circumstances.

And lastly, please know and understand that this heaviness will pass in the Lord's own due time. But don't do what I did and wonder why I felt so abandoned and isolated - pray, even if it is the hardest thing to do - and I will keep you in my prayers, too.

Sending you lots of hugs - and so sorry that this became a rambling tale....

J

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[> [> You are not a downer - all this is to be expected....m -- Joanne, 07:52:27 10/02/03 Thu

Be patient with yourself - grieving is extremely physically tiring, emotionally draining - and you have to work so hard during that whole first year afterwards.

Even if you just post that you are down, that is enough. Just to be able to say it helps.

J

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[> [> Oh Heather, please come here when you need to talk.(m) -- Sheila, 16:43:33 10/02/03 Thu

We have all been there & still go there. Losing a child is something that ONLY we who have done so .......truely understand. It is such a lonely place to be....but you don't need to go through this alone. We all understand.

My prayers are with you sweetie. HUgs~~Sheila

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