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Date Posted: 13:21:50 04/21/03 Mon
Author: Heidi
Subject: My opinions (more)
In reply to: Jeanne 's message, "Funeral question" on 09:29:25 04/21/03 Mon

First of all, I don't think it is your decision about whether or not you should take her, it is hers. I believe you should explain that your neighbor died in a careful and calm manner in association with your belief system. Then, tell her all about what a funeral is and what one might expect to see at a funeral. You can then ask her if she would like to go to the funeral or prefer to stay with someone while you attend. I do not think you should force her to see something she doesn't want to, nor to I think you should judge that it is best for her not to.

It may be more confusing to leave her at home. You might be protecting her from her hom own feelings. Yes, it might be sad, and hard for her, but death is a part of life that we all must face. And, you may be suprised how much she understands and reveres the sanctitiy and complexity of it all. Not giving her the option, isn't fair to her in my opinion.

When Ryan's pet fish died, that he loved and cared for and named, we told Ryan what had happened and asked him if he would like to see him and say goodbye. He did, very much. He was very sad to see him, and asked if he might just be sleeping, and we said again, that he was dead and he would not wake up. We explained in our own way how death is a part of life and that everyone and every living thing must die, and that fish just don't live that long. We consoled him, and he was sad for a little longer, but he got over it quickly (well, he still talks fondly of the fish), and I know he has a better understanding of it now. He did not, when asked, want to see the fishy funeral, so he didn't. I stayed with Ryan and we talked while dh gave the fish a burial at sea. Now, I know its a fish(and that fish are a lot different), but he loved the fish, and it was sad for him.

I modified this as I gave Kari much the same advice a while back. I hope you can find the right way to do this for all of you. I am sorry for your loss, and I hope that you have strength when you help your kids through this hard time.

Hugs,

Heidi

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