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Date Posted: 18:31:09 04/05/03 Sat
Author: 4grant
Subject: Okay, my thoughts now...
In reply to: Candice 's message, "Ok, some more...." on 16:26:25 04/05/03 Sat

This is a complicated situation. I can understand both points of view. In fact, I have a friend (Bob) who is in a similar situation, except that he is a capable father who does provide a positive influence for his son. He has a son from his first marriage. His ex has since remarried as well and now wants my friend to give up his rights to his son (and have his son call her new DH "Dad), just to make her life easier. She keeps moving from place to place to keep them apart, hoping to drive a wedge between their relationship. Bob keeps persisting though and so far he's winning the battles. He gets to see his son quite often and they are indeed very close.

In your case, is sounds like your ESIL has done something similar... picked up and moved to put distance between her and your brother, hoping it would sever the ties to him. The difference is that in her case, she seems to have a justified reason. In cases like this, I take the view point of what is best for the children, and here's how I see it. If your brother is unable to provide a positive influence in their lives as a *father*... and an emotionally equivilant playmate does not count... I think he should give up his rights. I know he loves them and wishes things were different. However, he's made poor decisions in his life and this might have to be part of his consequences. If, however, he is able to get a clean life, hold down a job, stay out of legal trouble, and be there for his kids in every way (emotionally, physically, financially) then he shouldn't give in. Being the last in a family is tough, but in truth it all has to end at sometime and that shouldn't be a reason for not allowing the adoption. In fact, Grant was the last in our lineage. My Dad was the only boy (four girls) and my brother was the only boy (and he's unlikely to ever have kids). So, Grant was the last Mitchell until a month ago.

Maybe they could arrange it so that even if the kids were adopted by the new father, your brother would still be allowed to visit them as long as he had a clean life.

Anyway, those are just *my* thoughts and personal opinions. These situations are never easy and there are often broken hearts. What matters most though is the welfare of the children, and sometimes that means putting one's wants aside.

Let us know how it's going.

Sherri

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