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Date Posted: 03:09:18 09/05/14 Fri
Author: Christopher Antony Meade (Laughing a lot)

During my first night as a suicide hot-line counsellor, I answered the phone to a very unusual caller. The first thing I noticed, when I picked up the receiver, was a sound like thousands of buzzing flies in my ear and a smell of sulphurous burning and decomposing flesh that seemed to fill the room. It was all I could do, to avoid spewing my dinner all over the floor, but I was a trained counsellor and I had to recognise that my caller might be very distressed, as well as smelly and noisy. Accordingly I said “Samaritans here. How can I help you”? The rambling answer, I got, was certainly not one I hope ever to hear again. This is word for word what my first caller told me.

“It’s not so much the eternal burning and being blamed for the entire world’s troubles, that bothers me. I knew that when I started that “ruck” in Heaven the punishment would be pretty severe. I can put up with everlasting hellfire but it’s the dammed flies that really get me. It was a dirty trick to call me “The Lord of the Flies”. The wretched things won’t leave me alone now. He even made me smell like a two month old corpse, just to make certain I attracted them. That was a devilish trick to play. When they are not buzzing round my ears or flying into my mouth, they are laying their eggs underneath my skin. Being eaten by maggots for eternity is no fun. Is it any wonder I’m always out to cause chaos”?

By this time I had realised who the caller was and I knew there was little likelihood of him committing suicide. My understanding of the term “eternal damnation” indicated to me that ending it all could never be an option for this client. But it was my duty to give him some advice and help. What could I tell him? The best I could think to say to him was
“get yourself some fly spray Mate, loads of it”.
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“The Zombie, the Cat, and Barack Obama” Critically acclaimed and available from all Amazon sites.

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