I just feel like venting a little.... -- Pregnant and Single

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Date Posted: 21:53:55 04/16/03 Wed
Author: Marsha
Subject:

I just feel like venting a little....
In reply to: Lynda 's message, "General Discussion Area (please read inside)" on 19:04:54 04/14/03 Mon

I don't even know what I'm venting about...is that dumb? I guess I'm just at this wierd point in this pregnancy (probably because it's my first), that I want it to hurry up and get over with so I can start the rest of my life, but yet I kinda feel like I don't want to ever go into labor. Does that make sense?

Besides that, I'm getting really depressed about the whole single mom thing. I have this little inkling of faith left that just because I'm a single mom now doesn't mean I will be forever, but still. I'm just not okay with it (not that any of us are). I guess I feel so bad about it, because being a single mom was my choice at the beginning (I left him), and now I wish I could take it back, and I don't even know what state he's in, literally. I did talk to the woman who will be my child support worker (she's a personal friend of mine), who said she's doing as much as she can to locate him, but that she knew for positive that she wouldn't be able to find him before the 25th (my EDD). Don't ask me how, something to do with one of the systems they use to track jobs, and how long it takes to get accurate info back. I'm okay with that, I guess, but I've had this fairy tale for months that he would be with me at the hospital (emphasis on the words "fairy tale").

The topper is my living situation. I'm living at my mom's for the first time in 12 years (I'm 25, moved in w/ my dad at 13), and it's not great. My sister, mom, and I are the only girls in a house w/ 5 other guys (sibs, sister's fiance, and step-dad). Since my mom and I don't get along all that great, my sis and I have gotten close (first time in our lives). Well, she's engaged, and they've been house hunting for months now with no luck. She's also four years younger than me (and still a virgin, which makes me feel like a whore sometimes), so I feel like I am the crappy daughter who is screwing her life up, and she's got this picture perfect little thing going. Despite that, she's the only female I have around right now, so we talk. And she's always been excited about this baby, which helps.

Well, today her and her fiance were going to look at a house that just went on the market (five days ago). It sounded okay, but nothing special. Because I was going, my mom decided she wanted to go. Because my mom was going, my dad wanted to go too (how embarrassing I thought to have your parents show up to look at a house w/ you, but whatever). Well, when we all walked in the door, everyone was stunned, even the realtor who'd never seen it. It was AWESOME! So awesome that it's hard to even be jealous, because she just can't pass this little gem up. It doesn't need a thing, it's perfect. So perfect that they went back to the office and wrote up an offer for $500 MORE than the asking price, just to make sure they get it. So, all night, my sis has been going around here, just on cloud 9 (who can blame her), talking about how she needs to get this, or hurry and do that, because she plans on being out by June 1st (she's 21 and never even lived outside of my mom's house). It was killing me. I guess because I'm 25, and this is the last place I want to be. And because I'm having a baby, so I can't just up and go when I want, I'm stuck here for awhile. And because I planned on living here for a year (moving next May), and now she won't be here during that time, and I don't know if I can live here without her. And because she was going to be a big help to me w/ this baby, and she'll be moving kind of far to be helping much if she gets this place. Despite the fact that I feel like I should be in her shoes right now.

The whole night her and her fiance, and my mom (who adores this house), and everyone else is just making me feel miserable. I know I can't be the center of attention, but I don't even get ANY of the attention around here. It just makes me miss the FOB so much more, cause he showered me w/ it (if I could've only got him to be more adult like and responsible in other ways). My mom already went out and got my sis this great little shelf w/ all these cool little trinkets for her "new family room" that she doesn't even have, and she has YET to buy a single thing for my baby, her first grandchild.

I am so desperate to find FOB right now that I can't sleep hardly at all. I looked into USSearch the other night, and the only info they have on him is pretty old (almost two years), so that didn't work. My old boss, who's a Private I, hasn't found anything useful either. My last hope is my CS worker, who won't know anything for a few weeks. I think it's going to be these next few weeks that make me crazy. Too much happening all at once.

Thanx for listening girls....those of you who are here. I just decided I'm going to only post here instead of PP, and hopefully sooner or later everyone else will follow suit. My sis will know tomorrow if she gets the house, so I'll let you know. I also have my Dr's appt tomorrow, so I'll fill you in on that too. Hope everyone is having a good week. I'm thinkin "good labor vibes" for all of us. I'm pretty sure we're all at the same point, and ready to be done with this. Talk to you all soon....

Marsha and "Tristan" EDD 4-25-03

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Replies:

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down . . . -- Sara, 07:01:58 04/17/03 Thu
- Sara, you should look into Daycare assistance programs..*m* -- Lynda, 08:00:46 04/17/03 Thu
Sad you're sad -- Jaclyn, 19:41:02 04/17/03 Thu