Update on my day.... (another insanely long venting session) -- Pregnant and Single

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Date Posted: 20:29:24 04/17/03 Thu
Author: Marsha
Subject:

Update on my day.... (another insanely long venting session)
In reply to: Lynda 's message, "General Discussion Area (please read inside)" on 19:04:54 04/14/03 Mon

Since I'm already (in)famous for my long posts, I'm going to use this one post to tackle a few topics.

For starters, before I forget, Lynda, is there a way to show how many messages are posted to a subject? There was a reply from Jaclyn on my previous post, and I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't gone back to read what I had written last night. I would just hate to miss someone's posts about something, because we don't know they're there. I know you are getting some help getting this board up and running, but thought maybe you could ask that question. BTW, I am truly loving this little site....maybe more so cause it's kinda a secret! Hee hee!

My day started w/ the drs appt that I was telling you about, so I guess I'll start there too. I knew my doc was on vacation this week, and I'd be seeing the midwife in his practice, so it wasn't a surprise. It was early this morning, which just does not work for me, because of my sleep schedule being so screwed up, so I was off to a bad start before I even got there. My appt was at 10:50. Usually I see my doc within 10 minutes of getting there. Today, the midwife strolls in somewhere close to noon, with me literally laying down, half asleep on the exam table. I was kinda embarrassed, since all I had on was a T-shirt and a paper sheet half covering me, but she didn't even notice. Didn't even say "sorry it took so long, it's been a busy day." She also had a med student with her, which is the first time I've ever dealt with that, and that sucked too. She didn't exactly "ask" if I minded her being there, but basically just said, "this is Joann, and she's helping me today," as if I didn't have a choice. I can't bitch too much about it, cause I didn't speak up, but once again, rude. So "Joann" is checking for the baby's heartbeat while the midwife is reading my chart to me outloud, making sure she doesn't miss any important details. "Joann" has now smeared jelly ALL over my belly, way too much of it, and CAN'T find a heartbeat. If I wasn't so in touch w/ my own body, I might've freaked out, but I knew Tristan was fine and this girl just didn't have a clue what she was doing. I tried to help her by showing her the way he is laying inside of me (I've only got like 8 days left, it's not rocket science), but she wasn't really listening, just kept moving her little wand all over the place, letting it make these god awful noises that sounds like a microphone with feedback. Finally, the midwife had to stop reading my stats allowed, because the noise was really so great we couldn't hear her anyway. She takes the wand, and proceeds to do the same thing that "Joann" did, also getting no response. I wasn't even concerned really, just pissed at how retarded these two women were acting. I explained that Tristan has been laying the same way for nearly a month now, and showed them exactly where my doc always got the best response back on the monitor. Instead of checking, midwife tells me that babies move quite a bit, and just because he was there at breakfast doesn't mean he'll be in the same spot at lunch time. After a good 10 minutes of this, she finally stumbles upon the spot I'd been pointing at all along, and low and behold, we get a heartbeat! I'm usually real intent on listening to his heart, as if I personally can tell something by it, but I was so distraught, I barely even remember hearing it.

So, on to the internal exam. This was only my second one, and the first was semi-uncomfortable, so I was prepared for it. I wasn't prepared for her "method" though. It's kind of like having sex when you aren't "properly lubricated." I don't know, but that's the best way I can explain it. I guess maybe "Joann" had squeezed all the lubricant all over my belly, so there wasn't anything left when it came time to do the internal stuff. OMG, it is NOT a comfortable feeling. Why does it hurt so bad? I'll admit, I haven't been sexually active in....six months now, but sheesh! It was not cool at all. Then she ends the appt by telling me I have "type B strep" which is basically strep of the vagina I guess. It's not harmful, it goes away, but I have to remember to tell them when I get to the hospital, incase someone overlooks it, cause it can be harmful to Tristan during birth. YEAH! One more thing to remember.

So, I leave, hating life more than I did yesterday. I don't even want to be crying when I walk in my house, so I fight it back. No one asked if I needed company when I went to the appt, and no one acknowledged when I came home either (it's a big house, but they knew I was back). So, I decided to change my clothes, and take a nap. That's when I noticed I'm now spotting. Midwifey said I was dilated to "1" and explained that literally meant she could fit 1 finger inside of me....I'm wondering if that's why it felt so yucky, because I was barely even a 1, and she forced it a bit. Is that possible? I'm not excited about spotting, but it's very very little, so I'm not worried either.

I slept for a few hours, which was the best I felt at all today. I woke up, suddenly letting my life sink in around me, and started to cry. I was crying so hard I made myself sick, which is not cool at all. I started imagining exactly what I always tell everyone else NOT to worry about...things that haven't even happened yet. Only, I'm being extreme about it, and suddenly I'm bawling cause I'm imagining being some crazy old maid who has one son, whom she over protects so much that he's 30, and still living with her. I know, dumb, but in case you guys have never caught on to my overactive imagination, there's a little taste for you.

I finally manage to choke my tears back enough to breathe normally, and hear all kinds of ruckus across the hall (my mom's bedroom). It's loud enough that I can make out the fact that my sis and her fiance are home, and that they DID get the house. They'll be in in by 6-19. Yeah, good for them, sorry, but I'm feeling selfish right now, I don't really care. Again, it makes me so upset that I'm running for the bathroom down the hall, sick all over again. This went on for about a half an hour. Me getting sick, everyone else celebrating, and somehow no one noticing me as I slink back to my room over and over. Finally, when it quiets down, I know I need to go ask someone to get me some Sprite or something, cause I'm way too worked up to keep anything down. When I go see my mom in her room, she tells me that maybe I need to wake up a little first and clean myself up a little. I tried to explain that I'd been awake for over three hours by then, and I was just plain sick, but she blew me off. She asked me what time my brother got home from work (he'd be home four hours after this), and said maybe he'd pick some up. Just her attitude made me sick again, and I just went to hide in my room. Awhile later, when a guy friend of mine called to see if I wanted visitors, I told my mom I was in no condition to be entertaining to anyone. Instead of telling him that, she says, "well, she's not feeling too great, but maybe if you'd bring her some Sprite she'll talk to you." WHAT? I'm not even getting into it anymore. I was so pissed by this that it knocked the sickness out of me. I called my friend back and told him if he came over, I was liable to let out an emotional overload, and maybe we should just talk tomorrow. He understood, and I went back to bed.

That's basically it, other than all night long I could hear my sister running back to my mom's room saying little things that she needed to do before she would be ready to move. I thought about calling my dad, just to have someone to cry to, but he'd think I was being an emotional pregnant woman, and immature about what was happening around me. Then I thought about calling my grandma, who ALWAYS takes my sister's side, so there was no point in doing that unless I wanted my whole family to know how much they were getting to me (this would solve nothing). I thought about calling a few friends, none of which would understand where I'm coming from, or why I am so emotional, so instead I did nothing. And now I'm here, writing this huge post on this wonderful new little board, venting my little heart out, as if you girls don't have your own problems, and I'm the only one this has ever happened to.

Well, that's basically it, other than I think you guys are truly the coolest. Sara, the comment about me having good advice was the nicest thing anyone has said to me in days. And Jackie, your post actually made me cry, not that that's something new, but it should make you feel special. I've never cried over a post before.

I know it'll all be different soon, but I suddenly feel unprepared. I'm sure this is normal. This is truly my only place to "be myself," so thank you. I am encouraging all of you to vent on here a little more, so this doesn't suddenly become "Marsha's Journal Page." Okay, I'm kidding, but you know what I mean. Thank you ladies, I feel better already. I'll talk to you all tomorrow.

Marsha and "Tristan" EDD 4-25-03

P.S. Sara, we had a day care service through Social Services too. I'm pretty sure it's a nation wide program. That is an excellent idea for you. The guidelines are high (I"m in Ohio)and they only allow "Certified providers" to care for your child, so you wouldn't have any worries. Good luck!

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Replies:

I just wanted everyone to know how "intelligent" I am (m) -- Micah, 13:42:48 04/21/03 Mon