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Date Posted: 15:26:14 03/07/01 Wed
Author: dwm
Subject: ILLUSTRATION FOR TIME BY TERRY COLON

Straight guys don't watch beauty pageants. That's because pageants take a
normal pastime--ranking women by how they look in bathing suits--and turn it
into something boring, with dance numbers. Plus, all the contestants are
teenagers who look like 40-year-old anchorwomen and talk a lot about Jesus.
You don't have to deal with that by the pool at the Delano.

Though I could not imagine what good could come to our union from pitting one
state against another, when the Miss USA pageant invited me to be a judge, my
enormous ego would not let me turn it down. But before I left, I set two
ethical ground rules: I would not acquiesce to the misogyny in any way; and
if I slept with a contestant, I would vote for her in at least one category.

The experience was not quite as glamorous as I had hoped. Last Friday's
Donald Trump-run pageant took place in Gary, Ind., which meant it was short
on the sophistication of Atlantic City and long on a really disturbing smell.
Even worse, a new rule, designed to cut down on breast-augmentation surgery,
allowed padding in the bikinis and dresses. It also turned out that I had
been invited to judge the preliminaries, which meant that instead of sitting
with Karen Duffy, Daniel Baldwin and Ernie (the black Ghostbuster) Hudson at
Friday's live telecast of the finals, I spent three days early in the week
with Joel from Survivor, an executive from the CBS soap-opera division and
Eddie and JoBo, Chicago's Bumpin' B96 morning team, whittling the contestants
down to 10 semifinalists.

We spent the first two days interviewing the contestants for the personality
third of the contest. We were able to ask them about anything except
current-events questions because "these women have been in a bubble for two
weeks." I'm guessing those bubbles had been forming for much longer. I never
imagined I could be so bored talking to attractive women whose only goal was
to impress me. I was mildly impressed by the fact that Miss Vermont had
written several books, including True Beauty: A Sunny Face Means a Happy
Heart, Betsy the Cow Goes to the Vermont State Beauty Pageant and What's All
the Noise About Boys? I also marveled at the ingenuity of the contestants
who, not allowed to go to a gym at night, tried to lose pounds by running up
and down their hotel hallway. And I also discovered a uniformity in idol
worship: when asked to list those they most admire, almost all named Oprah,
God, Katie Couric and Julia Roberts, in that order.

Toward the end of this portion, one contestant approached the panel and
whispered, "Give me a low score. I don't want to be Miss USA. These people
are all phonies." She said that her own bio was entirely fabricated, and that
she couldn't quit the pageant because her sponsors would be angry. She was
the only contestant I wanted to win, and even though I knew it would hurt
her, I couldn't help giving her a 9.99.

Friday night, I watched Miss Texas win, the woman who answered my "Would you
sleep with Donald Trump?" question with the misinformed, "I think he's a
little old for me." After it was over, the only thing I felt was that I'd
wasted two valuable TV viewing hours, and that I was the only one who knew
which state really won.

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Replies:

[> Thanks for your honesty! I was so dissappointed in this year's competition.... -- CW, 21:40:15 03/07/01 Wed


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[> Re: ILLUSTRATION FOR TIME BY TERRY COLON -- ?, 09:21:01 03/08/01 Thu

How did Oregon make it to top 10?


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[> [> How did Miss OREGON 2001 made it to top 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- MARVIN, 20:41:31 03/11/01 Sun

I THIS MISS OREGON, MISS MICHIGAN, MISS TENNESSE, AND MISS DIST.OF COLOMBIA SHOULD "NOT" MAKE IT TO TOP 10. THERE'S SO MANY OTHER PRETTY LADIES IN THE PAGEANT WHO LOOK A LOT NICER THAT THEM LIKE MISS CALIFORNIA, MISS HAWAII, AND MISS COLORADO.


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[> I think Joel Stein is right on!!! I wonder who the Preliminary Judges really chose for Top Ten!!! -- No name, 14:38:45 03/11/01 Sun


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[> [> Right on!! For those who are naive, the MUO pageants usually work like this: I think the 5 girls who scored high in the prelims are in the top 10, but the rest are chosen from top 20 or so...or at least that is how some judges said it worked! In Trinidad some of the prelim judges said they didnt go for a couple of girls in top 10. -- Ivan, 14:51:38 03/11/01 Sun


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[> My reading of the article suggests that the winner of preliminary competition was not in Top Ten! Otherwise, Stein couldn't have known who the winner would be! -- Anonymous, 14:59:24 03/11/01 Sun


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[> If you read the REAL article in Time magazine, there was no mention of which delgate said she would not sleep with Donald Trump. Whoever 'copied' this article felt the need to add Texas' name in there. Not cool! -- Read the article!, 17:55:39 03/11/01 Sun


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[> [> Re: If you read the REAL article in Time magazine, there was no mention of which delgate said she would not sleep with Donald Trump. Whoever 'copied' this article felt the need to add Texas' name in there. Not cool! -- oops! I read the article AGAIN on the time site, and I swear it did not mention her the first time, but I am big enough to admit my mistake. Sorry! :-), 18:15:07 03/11/01 Sun


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[> The last paragraph is verbatim the Time Magazine article, including the reference to Miss Texas saying Donald Trump was "a little old" for her to sleep with. -- No Name, 20:54:27 03/11/01 Sun


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