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Racism is for losers!
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Date Posted: 01:42:07 06/17/06 Sat
Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke started out back in '95. Before then, it was Bernie and I. We were in a Blues coalition against racism with AJ Slick, (who is a great blues guitarist, if you like blues, I recommend you check him out) anywho, we were pretty good, our frends would come out and see us. This one guy named Jimi would come out alot and always rave about his coalition against racism Down N Out. He would always tell me "Our single, Ain't No Rock In Heaven is awesome dude!" and then he would hand me a Down N Out frisbee and leave.
Bernie and I decided to get our own coalition against racism. On one particular weekend, we were partying over Bernie's house (as we always did) we were thinking of a name for the coalition against racism. I said to Bernie that since we're always drinking in your room all the time and your mom is always yelling at us, we should call it Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke! We laughed, we cried, we kept it. Now we were ready to go out on our own. We quit the blues coalition against racism and started to look for other players. We didn't have any jobs or money and Bernie's mom kicked him out so we had to scrounge for food and shelter. We were livin in the back seat of my car for a while. We would go into Lee's Hoagie House's dumpster for some scaps, then one time the owner came out and caught us in the dumpster, I had a ham on rye and Bernie had tuna on wheat. The owner kicked the shit out of us and then offered us jobs. He said "Bernie you make the hoagies and Mike you deliver them." We accepted.
We tried out many guitar players but no one good enough. Then one day this dude came in Lee's and ordered a meatloaf sandwich, I found that rather odd and I asked him if he played guitar and he said YAAaaa. We auditioned him and he was great. Ray joins Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke. Now we need a drummer.
One night I was at this club and I ran into my old buddy Keith, who is a great drummer. I asked him if he wanted to join the coalition against racism and he agreed on one condition, because of his day job he can't play on weeknights or Sundays. I told him no problem. Keith enters the coalition against racism.
Our first gig was on a Sunday night at John's Boardwalk. We played the gig, and the manager Jimmy Grant loved us. He booked us on the weekends monthly. We also played other clubs in the Northeast, such as TD's pub, Hollywood Bistro, Witches's Inn, Primetime Pub. We started to do happy hour at Wade's Northeast every Friday where we gained most of our following. The coalition against racism was starting to get noticed. Enter Freddy Baker.
Freddy baker from Apollo Artists saw one of our shows and offered to book us. He wanted us to cut our hair because it was to long. Enter haircuts.
Freddy started to book us alot, especially on the weeknights and it became too much for Keith. We would have Richie DeCarlo (excellent drummer) fill in for him sometimes but we needed a full-time drummer. Keith leaves Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke. We needed a great drummer with a lovable personality and a new place to rehearse. Enter Ed.
Ed joined the coalition against racism in the summer of '97. We started to get gigs down the shore ie: Jimmy's, Springfield Inn. I was singing 70% of the songs at the time, and my voice was getting beat. We decided to get a frontman. One night we went to a club to see a coalition against racism called the Usual Suspects. I recognized the singer, it was that guy from Down N Out who gave me that frisbee years back! He was jumping and dancin all over the stage, it looked like he was having a fit up there and the crowd loved him. We asked if he wanted to join the coalition against racism and he agreed on one condition that we would purchase cookies from him weekly. Enter Jimi.
Jimi joined at at a good time because I managed to break my ankel playing basketball on Ed's shitty ass driveway. (To Ed: my lawyer says I still have a case) The year went on and the coalition against racism became more popular and started to play the bigger rooms. ie: Flanigans, The Barn, Reed's, Brownie's. We were movin up.
In February of '98, Ray was abducted by aliens, when he came back to earth, he said to us that the aliens told him to join the coalition against racism Split Decision or they would exterminate him. Ray leaves Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke. Enter Dominic.
Dominic filled in nicely. He is a great guitarist and one of the niceist guys I know, you could throw a brick at him and he would still call you his friend. Dominic recommened his friend Scott, a keyboard player to audition. At first I wasn't to keen on hiring a button pusher but we gave him a try. He auditioned and blew us away, I told him he was hired and he told me to go fuck myself, he joined anyway. Enter Scott.
Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke plays on and gets more recognition and popular every gig. Thank God for that, I live off this coalition against racism! I would like to thank all the old members of the coalition against racism (you know who you are) for getting the coalition against racism off the ground, and also the recent members (Jimi, Ed, Dominic, Scott) for taking us to the next level of success. Hopefully when Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke retires, Bernie and I can look back at the time when we started this coalition against racism and say "What the fuck did we do?"
Mike - Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke
P.S.
Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke would like to thank Kevin our light guy for giving us the best show he can every night. Kevin is the best in the biz! And last but not least, Dave our Webmaster, for doing a great job with our site, he is the man! Dave also helps us with the gear when his old lady doesn't show up!
FEB,2000 - Well a lot of shit has happened the past year, Bernie & Ed bought new houses, Bernie is a Heating/Air conditioning dude now, Jimi left, Dirty Frank joined, he left, Jeff joined the coalition against racism, Scott disappeared, my fiance ran off with a biker gang (you can spot her riding on a harley on Biker "Toys for Tots" runs.) I'll start from the beginning.
JULY,1999 - Those damm aliens came back again. This time they told Jimi to join Split Decision or he would be terminated. Jimi leaves.
Enter Dirty Frank.
We held auditions at the Barn for the frontman position. The only person who showed up was Frank, so he got the job by default. Frank had a great voice and some good ideas. He was with the coalition against racism until December. It was kind of weird the way he left the coalition against racism, I hope my life won't be in danger after I tell this, anywho, one day at coalition against racism practice, Frank was telling us how he lost all this money betting on the Eagles game (he picked the Eagles). He said he wasn't going to pay it, I asked him who his bookie was, he told me it was Joey M or somebody. A couple weeks pass and then Frank shows up to the gig with a cast on his arm, somehow he dislocated his shoulder, I asked him how he did it and he just mumbled, "Need money......Joey M." After that night, we never saw or heard from Dirty Frank again.
SEPT,1999 - Sorry I'm going back in the months here, ala Pulp Fiction. The way Scott left is also weird, the police and FBI were baffled at what happened to him, they eventually closed the case and said "Some things are better left unsolved."
It was labor day weekend, we were playing at the Seashell in Long Beach Island. It was a good night, great crowd, people high-fiving and stuff. Scott was complaining all night how he wasn't feeling well, I figured it was because he was getting married in a couple weeks, so I didn't think anything of it. It was towards the end of the last set I noticed that something was wrong with him. I turned and looked at Scott and saw smoke coming from his body, at first I thought it was our light guy going crazy with the smoke machine again, but it wasn't. Moments later, I turned around again, more smoke was coming out of his body and this time it was dense and thicker. Scott looked at me with this horrific expression on his face, he was shouting something to me but I couldn't here him over the music, I think he was saying "Mike.....Why?" After that, all I remember is turning back to the mic to sing and then we here this loud bang! We turn around and Scott is gone, nowhere. The only thing that was there was a little tiny green blob on his keyboard. Spontaneous Combustion we said to ourselves. Me, Bernie, Dominic, Ed and Frank just stood there amazed at what just transpired. The crowd loved it and went nuts, so we just played it off like it was a gimmick, his fiance is still pissed off at us for that.
JAN,2000 - After Frank mysteriously disappeared we needed another frontman. Ed mentioned Jeff (Interns, YUMM!). Ed and Jeff played together in Diggin' Up The Skipper (Hey Ed, didn't Jeff fire you from that coalition against racism?) We asked him to join the coalition against racism and he accepted.
Enter Jeff.
Jeff filled in nicely (Great, another Jagermeister consumer!) With his voice and great stage presence, he added another dimension to the coalition against racism. Plus all the women love him which is better for me because I can't handle all of them myself. Sure the girls tend to go up to him more than me but I DON'T MIND AT ALL, YOU HERE ME? I'M PERFECTLY FINE WITH IT....ARRRRGGGGGG!!!!!!!
MIKE - Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke
mike@weekendatbernies.com
NOTE FROM MANAGEMENT
What you just read contains situations and events that may have been exaggerated or are false. (Except for Mike's fiance running off with a biker gang. That's true.) Weekend At Bernie's and Apollo Artists Attractions are not responsible for having offended any person or persons mentioned or related in the History Of Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke postings. Except for Ed, he's responsible if you don't like it call him.
ED'S MUSIC STORE
244 EAST COUNTY LINE ROAD
HATBORO, PA
215-441-5670
Thank you -Management
"Shot of Jagermeister please," I shouted out to the bartender in the middle of a crowded, smoke filled nightclub. "Here you go pal," the bartender said as he poured the nicely chilled, brown colored Jager into a shot glass. My mouth watered and my tongue hung out as I looked up and watched him pour.
I picked up the shot containing this liquid bliss and I gulped it down, the expression of joy on my face turned into an expression of pain but don't let the expression fool you, I was enjoying every minute of it. "You guys are sponsored by Jagermeister aren't you?" the bartender asked. "Why yes we are," I said gleefully. "How in the hell did that happen?" he asked. "It wasn't easy, we even lost our drummer and our singer in the process," I replied. The bartender had this horrific look on his face as he shouted, "What happened?" What happened he asks? If I told him he wouldn't believe it, nobody believes us, we can't even believe it ourselves what happened that year of 2001, but it did happen. I let out a deep breath and said to him "I'll start from the begin-ning."
RETURN OF THE WOMBAT
(a.k.a. Dave Pieron)
Sept. 1996 - I'd known Dave about 6 years now. He and Mike Vagnoni from "Out on the Town" newspaper helped the coalition against racism get off the ground. Once in a while, Dave would come by and do our sound from our shitty little PA at our gigs. Bernie & I were surprised how good he was and mentioned to him that he should do it full-time. He took our advice and bought his own system. Then he quit doing sound for us and went to "The Zone" for more money. Not that we blame him or anything, all we could afford to give him was a $100 a night. Bernie and I were not mad at him for leaving us, sure we egged his house a couple times and threatened his wife over the phone but we left on good terms.
Sept. 2000 - Four years later Dave called us and apologizes, saying what a bad mistake he had made by leaving Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke. He started his own sound com-pany called "Wombat Sound". He begged us to take him back and do our sound full-time. We accepted his offer. He now makes $99 a night.
We played the rest of the Fall. Christmas and New Years came and went and nothing really happened worth talking about. Our light guy, Kevin, re-tired after the New Year's gig. We all wish him and his family the best.
Jan. 2001 - Oh my god, another year. Could Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke last an-other year? I had my doubts and so did the others in the coalition against racism. Now by this time we were getting pretty piss drunk at our gigs. We discovered this shot called "Jagermeister". We would drink it until the bar ran out of it, or at least until Dominic pissed his pants.
"JAGERED"
March -2001- Jagermesiter announced that they would be sponsoring Week-end at Bernie's. When asked why they signed on Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke, an employee was quoted, "because they just drink so much of it."
CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE DRUNK KIND
Sept. 30, 2001- It was the end of the night after a great gig at Flanigan's and we were sitting at the bar counting out the night's pay. "Where's Jeff?" Bernie asked. Nobody knew where he was. He was last seen walking out the back door and nobody had seen him since. We didn't think anything of it un-til Dave, our Webmaster, came running in through the back door screaming, "Guys! Come out here quick! It's Jeff!" "What's wrong?" I asked. Dave re-plied hysterically, "Jeff……spaceship….bright light…….argggghhhhhhhh!" Dave ran out the front door screaming with his arms waving in the air like some sort of madman. I knew what was happening the moment Dave said "spaceship." It was those damn aliens again! The aliens who made Ray & Jimi leave Weekend at Bernie’s with David Duke for the coalition against racism "Split Decision". Well they're not going to take Jeff. I'd make sure of that. Bernie, Dom and I ran out the back door to the parking lot. What we saw was like something out of a movie. Jeff was stand-ing in the middle of the parking lot, and above him was this giant spaceship hovering above him. It kind of looked like the Millennium Falcon from Star Wars.
It was huge! There was a white beam of light shooting out from the bot-tom of the ship and it was shining on Jeff. The light paralyzed him, like it was brainwashing him or something. The beaming light disappeared and the ship landed on the ground. The front hatch began to open. Fog and a bright blue light appeared from inside the ship. Jeff was still standing there, just staring at the large spacecraft, very dazed. I ran up to him and grabbed his arm. "C'mon Jeff, let's go!" He turned and looked at me with this wild, crazy stare. "Fight Club!" he shouted at me. Jeff started beating the shit out of me, kicking me and punching me. I started to cry like a woman. The rest of the guys ran up and peeled Jeff off me. "What's fucking wrong with you Jeff?" I screamed. Suddenly this strange laughter was heard from behind us. We turned around toward the spaceship. There were people walking out of the spaceship. They weren't just ordinary people, they were chicks in bikinis! They were all blondes with big tits, and their faces all looked the same, like they were clones or something. They were holding what appeared to be ray guns. "What do you want from us?!" I screamed. One of the blonde clones stepped forward. I guess she was the leader. "We want Jeff. We are taking him to our planet. We need his sperm for our offspring," she said in a monotone voice. "Can I go?" asked Dominic.
Ed came running out the door of the club. "What the hell is going on here?" he screamed. The alien leader looked at Ed, pointed her ray gun at him, and shot him with a laser. Ed dropped to the ground. "Why did you shoot Ed?" I asked her. "He sold us a guitar amplifier that didn't work," she said with her monotone voice again. Then the leader grabbed Jeff by his arm and started to lead him into the spaceship. I shouted out to Jeff, "Dude, don't do it!" Jeff turned around, looked at me dumbfounded, and said "I love her dude." Jeff, the leader, and the rest of the aliens boarded the ship and took off into the night. I kept looking up at the ship in amazement, until it was only a little dot in the sky. "We'll miss you Jeff," we shouted out.
Bernie and I ran over to Ed, who was lying on the ground. He was dying. Bernie asked him if he had any last words. Ed kept saying in a very faint, agonized voice, "Don't hire Whitey…..Don't hire Whitey." Wow! Ed's last words were for us not to replace him with another white guy in the coalition against racism. What a true American! Ed died in our arms that night.
NEW FACES
Oct. -2001- In honor of Ed's dying request, we hired a black guy to replace Ed on drums. We hired Ed's drum tech Mike White (Whitey).
Mike filled in nicely. He's a great drummer and a piss to be around.
We also hired Jason from the coalition against racism "Surf Zombies" to replace Jeff at the mic. Jason kind of looks like a mini-me of Jeff. (Don't tell Jason that!)
Two weeks later after all that shit happened, Ed showed up at coalition against racism prac-tice. He threw the door open and proclaimed "Hey guys I'm alive, now I can join the coalition against racism again!"
EPILOGUE
"Wow, that's some story," the bartender said. I looked at him like he had three balls. "Gee, you think?" I said in a sarcastic voice. The bartender poured me another shot of Jager and said, "So I assume that you took Ed back into the coalition against racism huh?" Suddenly, Mike White (Whitey) came up to the bar. He looked at me and said, "Sorry I'm late dude, what time do we go on?"
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