| Subject: The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove76 |
Author:
Schnee
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 18:18:49 07/03/01 Tue
In reply to:
Schnee
's message, "The Ubiquitous Mr. Lovegrove" on 17:12:11 07/02/01 Mon
No, I cannot go back in time.
I cannot control what is past. Perhaps my actions and words did play a role in the events of that night. But perhaps that is just the perception of an angry young man who witnessed his father’s path to self-destruction, a path carved out by a lack of self-control.
In response, control and precision became my center. I find myself at the opposite extreme, feeling frustration at which I cannot control. But I need to be reminded from time to time that I am in fact human, with both flaws and needs. Early on, Nikita became just such a catalyst in my life, testing all my beliefs and ethics. Challenging me with her rebellious, less structured nature. Even today.
Nikita, unwilling to let me dwell on my guilt in silence, continues to address me. But it is the blow of her final statement that shakes my precarious balance.
“But without you, I don’t think I would have survived inside Section.”
“You would have. You are stronger than you even realize.”
It was I who needed her. Not the other way around.
My body may have survived Section without her, but my soul was lost before she came. It was only through her that I found it again. Nikita’s struggle to maintain her identity within Section’s bleakness, in turn forced me to reevaluate own identity. It forced me from the shell I had retreated into after Simone’s ‘death.’ With the sense of security that Nikita’s trust gave me, I began to let my barriers down and feel again.
Unlike me, Nikita has always found ease in voicing her emotions and feelings—the sorts of things I have strived to trap inside. Her strength is her openness and her willingness to embrace that which she cannot control. Strength she gained from surviving the chaotic and confusing environment of her childhood, living with her mother.
Casting my eyes at her, I witness the strands of her blonde hair flying back as Nikita faces into the wind, forming a crown of gold around her head.
Yes, she is the strong one.
The one who is willing to brave the uncertainty and doubts head on. Nikita does not lack self-control, but she is not bridled by it either.
As Nikita slowly turns to face me, her blue orbs become eclipsed by her pale eyelids. I step forward, sensing the discomfort in her features. Instinctively, I set my arm around her, knowing something is not right. Grasping my shoulder, she shifts her weight against me, burying her head.
The realization kicks me in the gut. I have been so absorbed in my own pain and memories that I did not even consider her needs. In fact, I had not considered her at all as I dashed out of the Pathfinder. Feeling foolish and neglectful, I stroke her blonde hair as her grip on me remains.
“I’m sorry ‘Kita. Are you okay?” I whisper gently.
As her pale face lifts from my shoulder, I already know the answer.
“I’d like to go back to the hotel.” Nikita mouths, her voice slow and raspy. In addition, her eyes brim with a silent plea for my compliance.
Gazing back at her troubled blue eyes, I do not hide my sorrow. I let my brush with the past cloud my judgment. I cannot change my past actions or words, but what I do or say now affects not only myself. Hoping to remedy my oversight, I carefully rest my arm around her shoulders to lead her down toward the Pathfinder. As our slow pace becomes even slower, Nikita shrugs off my arm, moving to escape my concern.
Reaching out for the limb of a nearby bush, Nikita stops, hanging her head downward. As I approach from behind her, I begin to hear the sound of her retching. My own stomach knots as a glimpse of the future lies before me.
~~~~~
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 
