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Date Posted: 19:45:14 06/25/01 Mon
Author: Andrea
Subject: DANCE WITH LIFE -- chapter 11

Okay, this one is a bit longer and I had to think this one out before posting it. I wanted it to be just the way it should....and hopefully it is.




---

CHAPTER 11

Their conversation was automatically brought to an abrupt halt. Jason’s words hung over their heads for what seemed forever, before either of them could utter one more word. Robin looked straight into Jason’s eyes, with a look he couldn’t quite read. He could see, though, that his words had taken her by surprise. Maybe she simply didn’t expect him to say them right at that moment. Neither of them seemed to know what to say, and they stared at one another. Was there anything that could follow up what Jason had said? IF there was, they simply couldn’t find it at that particular moment.

“Jason…” Robin said in a tone that not only broke the silence but both of their hearts as well.

“I shouldn’t have said that.” He said quickly taking the words back, while he tried to keep a hold of his flowing emotions.

“Why?” Robin replied in a voice born out of confusion and sudden, underlying hurt.

“Because I’m confusing you and…” Jason began.

“I’m not confused.” She softly interjected with an assured tone.

“…I’m hurting you.” He finished as his eyes grew tearful. “I don’t want you to hurt, Robin. I never wanted that.”

“But I did….and I do.” She said, painfully. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it.” She added as she wiped a tear from her eyes. “Someone told me that no matter how bad it hurts to know, it hurts even worse not to. And I think she was right.” Robin whipered as she and Jason stared at each other.

“I don’t know what you want to know…” Jason told her, honestly.

“The truth.” She said, calmly. “I don’t want you to lie to me, Jason.” She told him.

“I would never lie to you.” Jason spoke, emotionally. “You know that.”

“I don’t.” she said in a regretful voice. “I used to, but I don’t know anymore.” She added with a sigh.

They both looked at each other for a moment. Robin thought for a while and then looked into Jason’s dark eyes. Those eyes that only she could read so well.

“Can we just be honest? Can we just do that – be honest with one another?” she said, almost in a whisper. “We used to be able to talk openly, about anything. Can we do that still? Just one more time. Can we just be honest?” she asked him, softly.

“I’d like that.” He whispered back.

“So would I.”

They both stood there, facing each other in an awkward silence. They both seemed to be waiting for the other to instigate this moment of truth, but instead, they stood there in an awkwardness unknown to them before. Jason sighed.

“Easier said than done, huh…?” he commented as he sat down in one of the chairs facing the ocean.

“Jason…” Robin started, sitting down beside him in another comfortable chair. “I need you to understand something.” She began and then paused, thoughtfully. She had to measure her tone of voice and her words before she could face him. “I don’t regret what I did.” She finally confessed, determinedly. “I never, ever meant for you to lose Michael. That’s not why I did it. You know that. I did it because I felt it was right, and I couldn’t lie anymore. Because I know what it’s like to grow up not knowing who your real father is – or thinking of someone as your father and then learning it’s not true. And, I didn’t want that for Michael. I couldn’t do that to Michael and Aj…or to y ou.” She said as Jason looked away, silently. “And I want you to know that. Before we go any further with this discussion, I need you to know that even though it didn’t turn out exactly like I would have wanted it to, I still don’t regret it…I can’t regret it.” She said softly.

Jason paused for a while before adding anything. He then looked back at Robin’s face and pondered his words.

“The truth?” he asked softly. “I felt betrayed.” He said in a voice filled with hurt and sadness.

“And I felt used.” Robin quickly added in the same tone of voice, complementing his statement.

A cool breeze seemed to blow over them as those words were being spoken.

“I was angry at you.” Jason finally spoke in a heartbreaking voice that reached straight for Robin’s shaking heart. “but I’m not anymore.” He whispered in a tearful tone. “You see…when I woke up for the first time, you were the first thing I ever saw. When I couldn’t care less about the world, you were the first and only person I ever wanted to hold. When everyone said I couldn’t fear anything, I feared for you.” He said as his eyes slowly filled with painful tears. “You were everything I knew. Everything inside of me, you gave me. You were my world, Robin…until Michael.” He said in a trmebling voice. “I mean,” he continued with difficulty. “Most normal people have goals in life, and dreams. They work their entire lives to build a home, to have arms in which they can fall back into, to earn their own little piece of heaven…” he told her and paused very shortly. “And that’s what you were for me. All of those things…You were all that for me. If I even knew what they meant, it was because of you.” He added as Robin’s heart trembled along with Jason’s voice. “Before Michael, you were all I ever cared about. I mean, really cared about. But…when you told Aj, it’s like you ripped a piece of me out and hid it somewhere.” He said, pausing for a second. “I was mad, because I was lost. I had never been lost before. You had always been there…somewhere. And, I didn’t want to see you. I didn’t want to feel you inside of me. I didn’t want to love you, because I didn’t want loving you to hurt so much.”

“I never wanted that.” Robin said, emotionally. “I never wanted to hurt for loving you either.”

“It helped.” Jason said trying to regain control of his voice. “You not being around helped me to stop being angry…but it didn’t help me to stop thinking about you.” He whispered.

“Jason…” Robin tried to speak but couldn’t. She brought one of her hands to her eyes and stopped, unable to find the right words.

“Robin…” Jason said, picking up right where she left off. “I never meant for you to have to lie for me.” He confessed as Robin looked back up to him.

“Jason, you were not responsible for the choices that I made. You weren’t.” she replied, honestly.

“I should not have asked you to lie…” he regretfully spoke.

“You didn’t.” She quickly corrected him.

“But I expected you to.” He told her.

“Jason…” she said, finally finding her words. “You did. I know you were trying to do the right thing, but I made the choices that I made on my own. You know me.” She said and added a smile to that. “Nobody tells me what to do.” She said and he was tempted to retrun her smile, even though he could see tears in the back of her eyes. “I never said that I would lie for you…but I did.” She reminded him. “I never said that I would keep this secret for you…but I did. At least for as long as I could. “You see, Jason, you didn’t ask me these things. I did them…until I just couldn’t.”

“I think we both know that’s not true.” Jason said with guilt on his face.

“I think we both know that there’s a lot that I would have done, even if y ou hadn’t asked me.” She said calmly.

Jason breathed deeply and looked away at the ocean for a moment. His eyes seemed lost at sea for a while and Robin was glued to them. When he spoke, his voice was filled with a mixture of feelings that Robin couldn’t all grasped without seeing his entire face.

“All this time, I saw it from one side. Until that day.” Jason started, thoughtfully, as he remembered a specific day in time. “I was watching Elizabeth Webber, and I couldn’t understand the things that she was doing.” He confessed to Robin. “The sacrifices she made. She gave up her dreams for someone else’s. She changed her life, because of the people around her. She gave up her ambitions because of Lucky. And I didn’t get that. I didn’t get why one person would do that. Give up the things she loved most for just one person.”

“Love can do that.” Robin whispered, almost to herself.

“That’s what she said.” Jason spoke as he finally turned to face her. “When I asked her, that’s what she said. She was doing it because she loved Lucky.” He added and then paused. “And that’s when I realized that you did the same thing. It’s when I watched her make so many sacrifices that I realized that you did that…because of me.” He told her. “And I couldn’t be angry anymore. That’s when it stopped.” He whispered.

--

As her blonde hair waved from left to right under the fast rhythm of her footsteps, Carly walked into the police station, demanding to speak with Mac Scorpio. There was a lot of resistence from Taggert, whose dislike of Carly is only common knowledge in town, but Mac finally arrived and took Carly aside, almost reluctantly.

“What do you want, Carly?” he asked her, coldly.

“Where is Sonny?” she asked him, with just as cold a tone as he had used to address her.

“I don’t know what you mean. I haven’t seen Sonny.” Mac told her.

“Mac, tell me where the hell is Sonny. If you know…” she started but Mac quickly stopped her.

“If you don’t know where he is, then I know even less…” he argued with annoyance.

“Fine.” Carly said, taking a step back. “Then tell me where is Robin? She’ll know where Sonny and Jason are.” Carly said calmly for a change.

“Carly, you do understand that you are probably the last person Robin ever wants to see again, right?” Mac reminded the blonde as he shot her an angry look.

“The feeling is mutual.” Carly spoke even before she could think to take back the words.

“Go home Carly. Whatever it is you are looking for, I can’t help you with.” He told her.

“But Robin can. I would bet my life she knows where Jason is.”

“Then you must not think your life is worth all that much, Carly.” Mac told her as he leaned against one of the desks. “Robin is with her mother, not Jason.”

“Then why do you sound like you don’t even believe yourself?” she said as Mac stared at her with a look of concern suddenly washing over him.


--

“Do you know how hard it is not to think about you?” Jason asked Robin in a soft voice.

“I have a pretty good idea since it hasn’t been easier forgetting you.” She spoke as she lowered her eyes.

“Some days, it’s easier than others. But, most of the times, I can’t forget.” He said, tenderly.

“I don’t want to forget.” Robin then added as she breathed the night’s fresh air. “I tried to forget…and it didn’t work. And then I reminded myself that’s it’s good to remember.” She said, wisely.

“I tried to forget too.” He confessed.

Jason looked up and stared into Robin’s eyes for a second. His heart grew weak as he breathed in her beauty. Her face, even her tears, sparkled in the moonlight and she took his breath away.

“Four years ago, I would have never stopped to help your mother.” He then spoke after a long silence. “I wouldn’T have cared enough to do it.” He added softly. “But you thought me how to care. When your mother thanked me for saving her life, all I wanted to do was tell her ‘Thank your daughter’.” Jason spoke as tears melted into Robin’s eyes. “Because everything I have inside, you gave it to me.” He said as a small tear rolled down his face. “No matter what happened, or will happen. I can’t forget, because you’re inside of me. No matter what.” He said as they both stood on the verge of tears.

“Everything I have now, you gave it to me too.” Robin whispered. Jason seemed to disagree with her statement but Robin insisted. “No. It’s true.” She said as tears rolled down her cheeks. “You changed my life, Jason. Yes, you made me cry, and you made me hurt…but you also made me live.” She whispered in a heart shattering voice. “I’m a lot stronger now. I may not look like it right now…but I am. And that’s because of you in a way. You see,” she started as a lump formed in her throat. “Even if things always stay broken…I wouldn’t want to change anything, even if I could. Because I know that everything that happened has made me what I am today.” She said in a surprisingly grateful tone.

Jason slowly breathed a sigh of relief. Somehow he had forgotten that he wasn’t breathing at that moment.

“If someone could tell me – guarantee me – that things would turn out like this. That Michael would be safe, with his mother…and that you would be healthy and alive…Then I wouldn’t change a thing either.” Jason agreed in a trembling voice. “Not one thing.”

Robin and Jason both knew they were refering to Robin telling Aj most of all but they didn’t have to say it out loud. It was understood by both of them at that point.

“Actually, that’s not true.” Robin then said, shaking her head slightly. “I would change one thing.” She spoke in a clearer voice. “I’d take my best friend back. That one who knew that strong brave Robin was an act. I miss him.” She said quietly.

“I miss that too.” Jason sighed with a small glimpse of a smile. “Just being able to talk.”

“Well, we’re talking now.” She reminded him with a tiny grin.

He nodded softly and then looked away once again. When he turned back to her, she could see something different in his eyes. Some sort of realization.

“What is it?” she asked, kindly.

“It’s funny…” he started but didn’t seem to know the words to say.

“What is?” Robin softly spoke.

“How different it is with the rest of the world, then it is with you.” He whispered.

Robin lowered her eyes and took a deep breath as she smiled to herself.

“I know what you mean.” She whispered back. She then looked up to his eyes and he saw the hurt and sadness she held in them. “Sometimes I wake up and I know…I know that I will never find someone else like you.” She said softly.

Jason instinctively reached out to touch her face and he saw a small tear roll down on his fingers. Their eyes locked and Robin had to remind herself how to breathe.

“Nobody touches me like you do. Without fear.” She whispered, as her voice broke. “I can talk to guys, they can even like me…and then as soon as those three letters are out I can almost guarantee how fast they all run.” She added. “I can see it in their eyes. They’re afraid to touch me, to just hold my hand. And then I’m the one who gets scared…and it’s a cycle that never ends.” She confessed with a mix of hurt and frustration as Jason stepped closer to her. “But with you…I never felt like that. Because you never ran.” She cried. “You always stayed.”

“I know what you mean too.” He said in an emotional tone. “I tried to move on. But there was always something missing.” He confessed. “No matter how many people loved you or how many people you loved, there was never one person that seemed less important to you. And you made me understand that. But they couldn’t. With Carly, I was always second to everything. To herself, to her goals, her dreams…even Sonny. With Elizabeth, our friendship was most definitely always second to Lucky.” He said and then stared deep into her eyes, and she saw tears forming into his. “But with you, I never felt like that. I never felt second.” Jason sighed. “I was never second with you…” he whispered as he looked straight into her eyes.

“…Separate…” Robin whispered in the softest and most emotionally drained tone ever, as they both stared at each other’s teary eyes.

--

Anna and Sonny both sat on the couch in silence. The house was so peaceful and calm that they could hear the waves crashing on the shore. Anna took a sip of cold water as she stared out the window. They could catch a glimpse of Robin and Jason on the terrace from time to time.

“They’ve been talking for over an hour now.” Anna aknowledge, concern for her daughter obviously showing in her voice.

“You’d be surprised the amount of talking these two can do.” Sonny replied, honestly.

Anna turned to face him and raised an eyebrow.

“Somehow, Jason didn’t strike me as the talkative type.” She said with a bit of disbelief.

Sonny couldn’nt help but smile, before turning away from her again.

“There are a lot of things that come out of Jason whenever Robin’s around.” He said, thoughtfully. “He’s a different person with her.”

“Do you think they’re alright?” Anna asked after a short silence.

“Yeah…” Sonny answered as he glanced out the window too.

“You sound so sure…” Anna commented.

“I am.” Sonny said positively. “They’re always better when they’re together.” He told Anna in a calm voice.

They both stayed silent after this for a long time. Sonny sat back into the couch while Anna kept thining about Robin. She shifted in her seat after a while and was surprised at the sharp pain she still felt because of her wound. Sonny looke dover to her and asked if she was okay, to which she answered yes.

“Look, if you’re worried about Jason…” Sonny started but Anna quickly I nterrupted him.

“No.” she positively stated. “I’m not.”

“Because, I want you to know that I care about Robin, too. She’s been like a daughter to me.” Sonny spoke, seriously. “And I don’t plan on letter her get hurt again…not by anyone, including me.” He said slowly.

--

Robin and Jason both sat in their chairs, silently, emotionally recovering from everything that had been said already. There was a calming sound to the wind that night and they both seemed to simply enjoy it while it lasted. Robin slowly turned to Jason and smiled softly.

“Do you still think about Switzerland sometimes?” she asked him out of curiosity.

Jason smiled back and nodded.

“Often.” He answered.

“Did you ever go?” she asked him softly.

Jason paused and looked into her eyes. He felt his heart beat faster at the memories of their talks about Switzerland.

“I said I’d never leave without you…” he whispered as their eyes locked.

“I remember a time when I thought it would be inevitable. We would both end up there…There was a time when I was ready to leave with you. All you had to do was say the word.” Robin smiled.

“I wouldn’t have left without you.” Jason said tenderly.

“And believe me, I would have gone with you in a heartbeat.” Robin smiled.

“Things were so simple then…” Jason said as he got up.

Robin followed him slowly as they both leaned against the fence.

“They weren’t simple…” she whispered as she stepped closer to him. “We just made them out to be.”


They both stared at each other and to them it’s like time stood still.

“Where do we go from now?” Jason asked her, almost secretly.

Robin paused.

“I don’t know.” She finally answered. “But wherever it is, we won’t get there in one night.” She added, truthfully.

“I still love you though. I always have.” Jason said with an open heart.

“So have I.” Robin whispered with a smile.

“That part has always been simple.” He acknowledged in the softest voice ever.

Robin paused for mere seconds before looking back up to his eyes and showing him a sad smile.

“That part has never been the problem.” She told him in an emotional voice.

“So what do we do in the meantime?” he asked her.

“Something simple…” she whispered as Jason moved closer to her and reached for her hands.

They both looked up into each other’s eyes and paused.

“Something simple…” Jason repeated in a bare whisper as they moved closer to one another.

Their fingers intertwined slowly and Jason placed one of his hands on Robin’s waist. His heart seemed to race a mile a second when Robin put her left hand on his bare shoulders. She had to remind herself to breathe as she did so.

There, under the moonlight and the hot summer sky, they began to dance, very slowly, to a music only they could hear. They slowly moved closer to one another, staring into each other’s eyes, silently.

When you hold me like this
So many memories fill my eyes
The first time we kissed
The times we nearly said good-bye
But still here we are
Tested and tried and still true
And stronger than we ever knew


So much underlying emotion came across in every small move they made – in every glance, every breath, every touch. They never left each other’s eyes as they fell back into the ease and simplicity of dancing with one another. No word was needed.

Love is all
The laughter and the tears that fall
The mundane and the magical
Love is all
All is love
The careless word, the healing touch
The getting and the giving of
All is love

Robin’s hand moved from Jason’s shoulders to the back of his neck. Jason brought his head down and slowly pulled her closer to him. He closed his eyes as he breathed in the nightly sent of her hair. He could feel her arms around his shoulders and her chin carelessly brushing against the skin of his neck as they kept dancing.

There’s a me you’ve always known
The me that’s a stranger still
The you that feels like home
And the you that never will

Silences had always been unbarable for him…except with her. They both held back a sigh of relief as they held each other tight. After all this time…after all the laughter and tears…they still had each other to hold on to. No matter where it would lead them, they still had the dance. This dance.

This silent, secret dance with life…with each other.

But still here we are
Tender and trusting and true
With everything that we’ve been through

Sonny watched them dance from the window for a moment and then lowered his eyes. He turned around, only to find Anna asleep on the couch. He didn’t bother to place a blanket over her since the night was so unbelievably hot already. He looked at her for a moment and then reached his hand to the table to turn off the small light. He stood up as his eyes left a sleeping Anna to glance out the window one last time at Robin and Jason dancing. After a few seconds, he disappeared in the stairs.

Love is all
The laughter and the tears that fall
The mundane and the magical
Love is all
All is love
The careless word, the healing touch
The getting and the giving of
All is love

Carly leaned her head against the palm of her hand as she looked at the road ahead of her. The night lights rushed by her through the review mirror as she drove the night away.

All the glory
All the pain
All the passion
That turns to ashes
Only to rise again

Jason reached out to touch Robin’s face as she pulled away, slightly enough to look into his eyes. Jason’s heart nearly stopped beating as he felt her breath on his face. They both stood still, staring into each other’s eyes for what seemed eternity.

Love is all
The laughter and the tears that fall
The mundane and the magical
Love is all
All is love
The careless word, the healing touch
The getting and the giving of
All is love

In what could have been one of the most emotional moments of their lives, Jason closed his eyes and rested his forehead against hers. A small tear that she’d held back all night finally fell from her right eye as she closed her eyes as well. She reached her hands up tenderly and cupped his face as they just stayed there, eyes closed, in silence.

They didn’t know what lied beyond this night, but all they knew was this dance. And in that moment, it was all they needed.
---------------

Please do let me know what you thought.

Andrea

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