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Date Posted: 01:42:41 04/22/11 Fri
Author: asiacheetah
Author Host/IP: ppp-71-128-204-48.dsl.sndg02.pacbell.net / 71.128.204.48
Subject: Chapter 1 Betrayal – Part 9
In reply to: asiacheetah 's message, "Trust is Never Easy - episodic" on 01:00:19 04/22/11 Fri

This chapter touches on: Gates of Hell

Chapter 1 Betrayal – Part 9

I thought I didn’t know what love was any more. That was the biggest lie of all.

I sat in the temporary quarters Section put me in, contemplating whether to just end it all. I hurt so completely that I scarcely register anything around me other than the image of my smiling boy on the television. The knowledge that somewhere in the world Adam and Elena were hurting as badly as I was compounded my misery tenfold. Not for the first time, I wished the bomb that killed so many innocent lives had taken me with it.

I had avoided thinking about what would happen at the end of the blood cover mission since the day Adam was born. Before he was conceived I did everything in my power to try to bring an end to the mission. While Elena was an intelligent and good natured companion, my heart had belonged to my real wife Simone.

Down time from Section was brief and infrequent. Even those rare moments where I could spend time with my true wife was cut short once the mission began. When we did find a way to get together, our time was bittersweet and filled with unspoken silences.

When I thought I had lost Simone, I thought seriously about taking my own life. The only thing stopping me at the time was the conviction that what awaited me in death wasn’t oblivion or peace, but rather a never ceasing hell. I knew that I had not done enough penance to atone for all the evil I had committed.

When Elena told me of her pregnancy I could barely contain my fury and perform the part of a happy expectant father. I knew it was no accident that she could have become pregnant and that Section must have tampered with her birth control measures. I knew some of the anger I was feeling was showing through my Section mask as operatives scrambled out of my way as I made my way to Madeline’s office.

Madeline: “Come in Michael.”

Michael: “Why?”

Madeline: “It’s come to our attention that your behavior lately is jeopardizing the mission as well as adversely impacted your mission efficiency.”

Michael: “How would bringing a child in the world change that?”

Madeline: “Our analysis indicates a pregnancy will distract Elena from your continued change in behavior. A grandchild might draw Vacek out of hiding and initiate contact.”

Michael: “And my mission efficiency?”

Madeline: “We believe having the responsibility for a child will curb your reckless behavior and ensure your continued cooperation.”

Michael: “I thought Section believes having a child might alter the effectiveness of an operative.”

Madeline: “Perhaps that’s the case for some operatives, but you’ve never fit the mold of the typical section operative. Would that be all Michael?”

Michael: “Someday Madeline you might regret this decision and manipulating people like chess pieces.”

I forced myself to walk away then before I acted out my desire to squeeze the life out of her with my bare hands. I resigned myself to preparing for Adam’s birth and for the guilt of bringing a child into a world of deception and death.

I tried to prepare and guard my heart against my child, knowing one day I would have to walk away. All my resolve and defense melted away when I held that small defenseless little boy. Without consciously allowing it, Adam had become my reason for living. All the missions I planned, the people I killed, I now did in the hope of creating a safer world for him to grow up in.

The inevitable happened and I was forced to walk away from my family, from Adam. I could no longer be there to soothe away his little hurts, to chase away the nightmares, to make him laugh. I tried telling myself that Adam was alive somewhere in this world and I must continue trying to make the world a better place for him. All the things I tell myself are cold comfort to me and I felt like I was drowning yet again.

The gun felt heavy in my hand, but I didn’t pull the trigger for the same reason as four years ago, Adam. As much as I would prefer oblivion, I could not risk not being there for Adam if he needed me.

*****

All too soon I was called back to Section, although I welcomed the chance at distraction so I wasn’t alone with my thoughts. It was hard to focus on the Mihai Brevich mission. It barely registered when Operations took me off phase one to assist Birkoff in Tactical. If I was capable of laughing, I would have at Operations’ idea of a pep talk.

Operations: “Michael. I know you’ve been through a difficult time, but Adam and Elena are being well provided for. You need to get past it.”

Michael: “Get past losing my son?”

Operations: “Yes.”

Michael: “How?”

Operations: “However you can. I didn’t see my son grow up either because I was in a P.O.W. camp in Vietnam. It wasn’t pleasant but life goes on.”

Michael: “Really?”

Operations: “Yes really. Get over it.”

That’s rich coming from a man who used Section resources in order to ensure the life of his son, breaking mission profile in the process. I got away as quickly as I could before I gave in to the urge to punch in his face.

*****

It was Adam’s birthday. My little boy turned 4 and I couldn’t be there to help him celebrate and give him his present. To prevent myself from sobbing I played the lullaby I used to play to him to help him fall asleep over and over again. I noticed when Nikita came in, but I wasn’t ready to see the sympathy in her eyes.

Nikita: “So what are you doing?”

Michael: “I’m playing the cello.”

Nikita: “Your security isn’t engaged.”

Michael: “Sometimes he couldn’t go to sleep at night unless I played it for him. It’s his birthday today. I bought him a present.”

Nikita: “That you can never give him?”

Michael: “Yes. That I can never give him.”

Nikita: “You’re not well.”

Michael: “Who is?”

Nikita: “Brevich has a recon photo.”

Michael: “If he comes, he comes.”

Nikita grabbed the cello from my hands forcing me to meet her eyes. The sympathy I read there spurred me to jump up and prowl around the room. Anything to avoid her knowing eyes.

Michael: “You shouldn’t have done that.”

Nikita: “Do you want to die?”

Michael: “What’s it to you?”

Nikita: “I’m your friend.”

Michael: “That would be a big mistake.”

Nikita: “Why?”

Michael: “Because people who care about me end up dead or hurt. Simone. Elena. Adam. Don’t follow their path.”

My thoughts continued on to my abandoned sister, my betrayal of Rene, countless manipulations of others on behalf of Section.

Nikita: “I follow the path of my choosing, just as they did Michael.”

Michael: “What choice did Adam have? I’ve caused you enough pain already. Go while you still can.”

I had hurt Nikita countless time over the years. I don’t want her getting close enough to hurt and be hurt by me ever again.

Nikita: “Michael, I understand what they’ve done to you. You have to find a reason to live.”

Michael: “Where?”

Nikita: “Wherever you can.”

She didn’t understand. I had to find a reason for living too many times to count and each time that reason was taken away in the cruelest and most merciless ways. I could never find a reason for living within myself, and I couldn’t live for others. I had nothing to give.

I was saved from responding when a bullet shot through the window.

Nikita: “Well, Brevich found you.”

Michael: “I was an easy target. Would Brevich have missed? Maybe Section’s playing some more games.”

Nikita: “I don’t know. Michael. You have to do something please.”

Michael: “All right.”

I really didn’t want to think about the outside world any more. I just wanted to be alone with my thoughts of Adam. I ignored Nikita and began playing the cello once again. I didn’t hear her leave so wrapped up was I in memories.

*****

Another day, another mission to go after Brevitch. Nothing broke through my lassitude until I saw Nikita being forced into a truck at gun point. I listened as Operations and Birkoff debated the next plan of action. It was no surprise when Operations told the team to abort. I might not want Nikita to get close to avoid being hurt, but I’m not about to leave her to Brevitch to die like Section allowed Simone to be. For the first time, I disobeyed a direct order and went after Nikita.

I had felt dead for the last few weeks. As I drove the motorcycle toward Nikita’s coordinates, the colors that had bled away from the world slowly returned with brilliant colors. I could feel the cool air blowing against overheated skin. I could hear the steady beat of my heart and the hum or the engine beneath me. I was forced back into the land of the living and Nikita was the reason why I was dragged back from brink.

To my relief I wasn’t too late to save her. After the pain loosing Adam, I was sympathetic enough to Brevich to let him know that his son was avenged before I pulled the trigger.

*****

When I walked back into Section I noticed for the first time in weeks I could breathe again within its walls. I was aware of my surrounding and the reactions of people around me. I could see the relief in Birkoff’s eyes, the pity and sympathy in Walter’s. Harder to swallow was the triumph in Operations’ eyes. It was easy to see that the profile had been skewed, giving the team false Intel omitting the presence of a reserve team. If it wasn’t for the watchful eyes of Madeline and the warning I read in them I might have reproached him for risking Nikita and the team.

Nikita was waiting for me near Comm. I noticed the brilliant red of her lipstick and dress and the bright glow of her hair. Most of all I noticed the sympathy I read in her eyes made me feel welcome instead of pain. I made a conscious decision to allow her to get close. Even if in the end we will both get burned, I made a decision to live.

Michael: “You okay?”

Nikita: “Yeah. You?”

Michael: “Better.”

Nikita: “Good. Care for coffee?”

Michael: “Why not?”

Nikita: “Good.”

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  • Chapter 1 Betrayal – Part 10 -- asiacheetah, 01:55:33 04/22/11 Fri
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