| Subject: Priority Mail 477 |
Author:
Nikita507
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Date Posted: Tuesday, August 21, 08:27:05pm
In reply to:
Nikita507
's message, "Priority Mail 469+" on Wednesday, July 25, 06:47:58pm
She had said the words and she squeezed her eyes shut tightly but couldn’t hold back the tears. Nikita gasped as she thought her world was spinning around her, although she was holding on tightly to the bed.
Pregnant.
“Oh…” Nikita gasped as tossed her head from side to side, still processing what she had said. It had suddenly hit her as she was in bed. It all made sense. Her extreme fatigue. The emotional outbursts. She was over a week late and she should have known. “My god…”
“Kita… “ Michael spoke but Nikita kept her head away from him. ‘
“What have I done?” Nikita sobbed as she covered her mouth and then forced herself to breathe. “I knew… it could… happen… that you wanted it… that we… we wanted it…”
Michael had known that it would be hard for Nikita, but he didn’t expect this. She was tense and holding onto the bed with a fierce grip. He had thought that there would be a test for them to take together, that Nikita would ask him to go get one at the store. He had pictured that cliché and now he realized that he was wrong.
Very wrong.
“God… I’m… pregnant… and I’m allowed to say it…” Nikita rasped as she looked up at the ceiling and forced the tears to stop. She was so scared but she had to stop the tears. She had to talk about the fears. For tonight she could have them all.
“Kita, when did you take the test?” Michael inquired from beside her as he sat up to look over at her. “I would have been there for you.”
Nikita shivered. She hadn’t taken a test. She didn’t need one. She knew now that it had clicked in her mind what it meant to be late. They hadn’t been using protection and she knew that this day could come. She had probably thought that it wouldn’t happen so easily, but that was just illogical thinking on her part.
Nikita screamed as she covered her eyes now with both of her eyes. She cringed as she screamed again, doing anything to stop herself from thinking back to how she took the test to confirm that she was pregnant with Sabina. She could almost feel the dampness of the restroom and Nikita tossed her head from side to side. “I didn’t… I can’t… no… no test….”
Michael was saying something, but Nikita was fighting those memories. She knew that she had to fight the flashes. What would a PTSD flash do to their unborn child?
There weren’t many memories for Nikita to have of being pregnant with Sabina. She remembered taking the test and then having Sabina, but there had been no pregnancy. Nikita gave birth but that wasn’t hurt. It was a human function that left no memories in her mind, but it hurt so much more knowing that.
Michael tried to get Nikita to talk for almost ten minutes. But she was screaming and covering her eyes. He was scared to his core and it froze him. “Kita… talk to me…”
“No... flashes… I can’t…” Nikita spoke as she had no idea that she had been screaming. She uncovered her eyes and looked at Michael. She was almost unable to breath. “I can’t… take a test… I can’t remember that, Michael… it scares me… to think back to that… I can’t flash… please, don’t make me…”
“I’m here, Kita… and we’ll talk about confirming tomorrow,” Michael whispered as he stroked Nikita’s back. “But you don’t need to be afraid… I’m going to be here for you.”
“Flashes…” Nikita swung her head from side to side. “And I don’t… know how to be… pregnant…”
Michael squeezed his eyes tightly as he felt his own tears coming in response to Nikita. She was so torn up about this.
Then Nikita started to pant for air. She was sure that she couldn’t breathe. She clawed at the bed as she tried to sit up, but it was like her body was paralyzed. She was so afraid that she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t move.
“Kita… take a deep breath… slow down… you are fine…” Michael stroked at her arm as she was half sitting up. Michael pulled her all the way up, unable to watch her struggle in that position. “I’m here, Kita… you aren’t alone this time.”
Nikita looked off towards the window as she felt her whole body tingle with being able to move. She didn’t want to think anymore, but she kept on starting to talk and stop. She instead just moaned nonsense.
“Use small words, Kita… just start with small words…”
Nikita turned to look at Michael; her eyes were so swollen with pain. “Scared.”
Michael nodded his head as he stroked her hair back. “I can’t imagine how you feel…”
Michael stopped. He felt guilty. He had brought up pregnancy with Nikita first and her instinct was to say no. He thought that she would be happy. He didn’t anticipate this at all. He felt hollow because he held responsibility for this.
“I know… different…” Nikita spoke the words but Michael knew that she wasn’t saying them all. But this was all that she could get out while the tears continued to stream down her face. He watched as she pressed a hand against her face and she bit down on the bottom of her palm as her hair swung from side to side as she tried to gain composure.
The bed was trembling from Nikita’s trembling.
Michael swallowed hard and took Nikita’s hand away from her face. “Kita… listen to me…”
Nikita shook her head but Michael used his other hand to make her look at him. He kissed her forehead. “I think you can get past this… but I didn’t know… it would hurt you this badly… I thought… happiness… God, Kita… I didn’t mean to do this to you…”
“I told you,” Nikita hissed and Michael nodded his head as he leaned his head towards her. “I know… and I want you to tell me… honestly… because I won’t stop you… because if you can’t do this… I understand, Kita… completely… I honestly finally get it… and I regret that this…”
Nikita blinked as she looked at Michael. Her head shook from side to side. “What?”
“I can’t… I never thought… I’d see you… like you have been… for almost two hours…” Michael explained as he looked at her eyes. “You say that you need tonight… and I fear that it won’t be just tonight…”
“I do too,” Nikita rasped as her shoulders rolled forward. “It has to be, Michael.”
Michael cupped her cheeks and forced her to look at him. “Kita, if you can’t do this… I completely understand.”
Nikita’s head rolled down to her chest as she cried harder now. Michael curled her against his chest. He couldn’t stand to see Nikita like this.
“I’m going… to do this,” Nikita whispered barely and Michael swallowed past the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure if this was the right decision for her.
Nikita shifted and leaned her head against Michael’s shoulder as she continued to cry. “I’m scared… of flashes… and what it can do to the baby… but I knew… I knew that I would have this day… when we… stopped… and I knew… I couldn’t stop this day… from happening… because we love... and I want... different… I know it…will be…”
Michael leaned back and brought Nikita with him as he rocked them both slightly. “I’ll do whatever you need, Kita… whatever you need. Just tell me.”
Nikita bounced her head up and down off of Michael’s chest. “I had a baby… I had Sabina…but I wasn’t pregnant… does that make sense?”
Nikita’s blue eyes were so red with pain as she pulled her head to look at Michael’s green eyes that were red also. “Yes.”
Nikita leaned her head back against Michael’s arm and looked at the ceiling, screaming. “It’s not fair… it’s not fair… I should be happy…”
“That’s for another day,” Michael whispered as he wanted to scream with Nikita too, but she didn’t need to see that right now.
“I feel it…”Nikita looked up at the ceiling and swung her head. “I was holding my hand… in a way…I never dared…”
Michael saw Nikita struggling to swallow and her body was caught up again, unable to move but needing to move. He sat up with her in his arms as she finally swallowed and cried against him. “It’s not fair…”
Michael hadn’t expected the guilt that Nikita felt for not being able to be pregnant in the ways that most women were pregnant with their children would almost consume her also. The fear of what was to come and the fear of the PTSD was a tremendous strain, but it only added to the guilt that Nikita felt for what she thought she didn’t give to Sabina, and it was almost too much.
Nikita couldn’t believe that Michael was willing to let her stop this right now. She wanted to tell him that she would have never gone this far if she didn’t want it to happen in some way. She wanted to make Sabina and Michael happy, but Nikita needed to have some desire to have a child. But those words just couldn’t come out. But she almost was relieved with Michael’s offering because she knew that he was completely honest about it.
But that wasn’t an option in any form.
Michael was willing to do whatever she needed and right now, she just needed to continue to cry and sob. She needed to continue to let out as much as she could without dropping into a flash.
Even now, her mind almost snapped back to that restroom. Nikita slapped her hand against the bed and groaned as she swung her head from side to side. She wouldn’t go back there. She didn’t need to go back there.
Michael stroked her back and was talking to her, but she didn’t hear his words. She exhaled and tried to form the words. She needed to communicate something more to him. It was a struggle. She thought that she was saying more, but it was clear that it was in her head. Nikita placed a trembling hand onto Michael’s shoulder and steadied her eyes on him. “I want this, Michael.”
He was so white and pale. She had scared him. She didn’t mean to attend that. Nikita didn’t even see relief with her words that she knew that she had said this time. Nikita gasped for air and she shook her head rapidly. “I only will be this way… tonight… tonight, only… I swear… I want this…”
Michael wanted to protest her words. She didn’t need to hide all of this after tonight. He didn’t see how she could. But he also wanted to truly believe what she was saying, that she wanted this baby. He believed it. It felt that it was the truth.
Nikita couldn’t talk again and she placed her head down onto Michael, this time hanging onto him, needing to feel him and touch him. Even as she felt his chest slick with her tears, it kept her away from the memories, and that was what she needed right now.
Michael started to murmur to Nikita that it was ok and that maybe she needed to go to sleep. He was drained but his job was Nikita right now. He needed to make sure that she fell asleep when she could and until then, he was going to hold her and sooth her.
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